Recovery
by Noeme
Summary: On the week of Liam's death anniversary, a reluctant Carla visits a psychiatrist named Dr. Harrington to help her on a the road to recovery. *This my first story ever so I really hope you all enjoy*
1. Chapter 1

**Recovery**

It was Carla's fifth appointment with the psychiatrist. Michelle and Maria had driven her into town because they were worried that her drinking had gotten worse. Carla had tried to explain to them both that the sessions were only making things worse, but Michelle wouldn't hear it. So here Carla was back in Dr. Harrington's office, wasting away a perfectly beautiful Thursday afternoon better spent at the Rovers. Dr. Harrington smiled at Carla with her crystal blue eyes so warm and friendly they automatically made Carla hostile and reclusive.

"How are you doing today Carla?" Dr. Harrington inquired. She smiled as she sat down on the black leather sofa across from Carla. She reached onto the brown coffee table separating the two ladies to offer Carla a mint from her complimentary tray.

"I am fine," replied Carla promptly and abrasively. She was determined not to share anything with this woman today, as she had not bothered to at previous sessions. Maybe then the doctor would get a clue, Carla thought.

"Well Michelle tells me you have been drinking a lot lately."

Wow Carla thought she wastes no time, she just gets right into attack mode ridiculing my life.

"I always drink," Carla responds making sure to emphasize the irritation in her voice.

"Well more than usual then," says Dr. Harrington ignoring Carla's obvious annoyance.

"Oh I suppose Michelle has been keeping count, no doubt so she can report to you and my probation officer what a lost cause I am. Well good for Michelle she loves to run her mouth, why not make a career out of it spying on me for a bunch of fools."

"She is a concerned friend Carla. She is just worried about you—"

"She is my sister in law and she isn't worried about me, she just wants a project so she can take her mind off this week."

Dr. Harrington leans back into the couch adjusting the sleeves on her gray cardigan. She looks at Carla her blue eyes gleaming as though she has just made break though on something. Her face is satisfied, and then just as promptly she composes it as grave and concerned.

" I understand this week has been extremely difficult for you. Would you like to talk about it?"

Carla can feel an intense anger taking over her body. How dare she bring up the topic of this week? It has been five years dammit and Carla just wants to forget what everyone is determined she can't. How dare this doctor even bring up the topic of-

"-Liam has been dead for 5 years now this week, I understand."

Carla needs to compose herself; Dr. Harrington has bought up the topic Carla was adamant she never wanted to talk about within these walls. She feels a volcanic rush of anger and grief swelling deep from within the pit of her stomach. She is so badly in want of a drink at the moment.

"Liam is a topic I'd rather not talk about", Carla answers trying to steady her voice.

" I understand that Miss Connor, but it seems as though you list of prohibited topics grows bigger each week. First we aren't allowed to talk about your childhood, your mother, your brother, Paul, Liam, Tony. I mean where does the list end Carla? How can I help you if you don't talk?"

"How about you don't and just say you do, " Carla says curtly. "That way Michelle is happy thinking she is saving my life , you still get paid generously might I add, and I, well I get to be happy keeping my life private and indulging in a little drink here and there. It is a win win for everyone."

"Carla you can't be all that happy, you are drinking yourself into an early grave. Your friend's care about you, they don't want to lose you. Michelle told me she found you passed out in the street next to the Rovers last Tuesday. Her and Maria had to get you home. Is that what happy is for you?"

Carla wanted to roll her eyes. She looked at the lady sitting across from her with her beautiful blonde hair, perfectly manicured nails, and winning smile and felt nothing but hate. What did she know about anything? How dare she sit there and tell Carla what was good for her, and how dare she judge.

Dr. Harrington continued, "And even if it is happiness for you it is not fair to Maria or Michelle to have to take care of you all the time."

"I never asked them to," Carla's raised her voice. She was feeling deadly. She wanted to ring the doctor's neck out.

"That's not the point," Dr. Harrington responded curtly. "It seems to me that this week is always hard on you. I have looked over your file extensively and each year around or on the date of Liam's anniversary you end up at the hospital. Sometimes your wrists are cut, sometimes it's alcohol poisoning. I have the file right here if you'd like for me to read it to you." Dr. Harrington reaches for a thick brown folder on her right hand side.

"That won't be necessary," Carla tucks her dark brown hair behind her ears shocked at the nerve and guts of the doctor.

"Then perhaps you better talk, say something because the evidence in front of me is damming enough Carla. You don't talk now you'll have to talk when the drinking takes over your life so much you can't even keep a job anymore, you lose your house, and all those nice clothes you wear. Eventually you will lose Michelle, Maria, everything tying you to the Liam. Your choice."

" Fine you want me to talk, I'll talk all day doctor. Where do you want me to start? How about I hate my life, I am down right miserable actually. I constantly think about offing myself, and when I am not thinking about that I am thinking about drinking." Carla paused observing the Doctors expressionless blue eyes and continued. "I drink because life is a party, one fucked up crazy party and I drink so I don't have to bother myself with thinking or feeling. I don't want to feel because feeling is overrated. I drink so I don't have to know Monday from Friday. How is that Dr. Harrington, is that enough talk?"

Dr. Harrington leaned forward on the couch intently making the space between the two women more intimate. And with concern she asked, "Why don't you want to know Monday from Friday Carla?"

Carla played with her hair once more, positioning herself closer to the doctor as well. She thought of all the times people acted like her drinking was some unique occurrence known only to her. Michelle acted like she never drank a day in her life, and Maria she seemed to be doing better then she should. But what about her? Carla felt like everyone's resilience around her was consuming even threatening. She wasn't as strong as Michelle, as forgiving as Maria, as spiteful as Helen and Barry. She had no amour of which to keep her safe from the only man she had ever loved, she was standing in an open field naked and exposed. She hated it, she hated loving Liam and she hated missing him to.

She chose her words carefully and opened her mouth so to deliver each syllable raw and cold for what they were. She so badly wanted a drink to get rid of the impending lump in her throat.

"You know I don't even remember his voice anymore. I had known him all my life and one day I tried to remember what he sounded like. Closed my eyes and everything, concentrated really hard on it but nothing." Carla was staring into Dr. Harrington's eyes her own eyes mirroring Carla's sorrow. "Each day is just one more thing I forget, until one day I won't even be able to remember what he looked like, his unique smell, anything at all. I drink so I can speed up this evitable fact, if I forget now versus tomorrow what would be the difference really? Doesn't change the fact that he is still gone."

There was a silence between the two women for a time. Dr. Harrington seemed to be processing the information Carla had just given her. She had pity in her eyes and Carla thought her pity was wasted.

"Carla, thank you for sharing that with me. It must have been very difficult."

Carla nodded her head in agreement but thought to herself it wasn't. It was the truth her horrible truth. She was just ready to go home now


	2. Chapter 2

"Red tie or green tie?" It was here finally the day she had been dreading, the anniversary of Liam's death. Carla sat in the Kitchen of Maria's flat trying to consume the scaling hot cup of black coffee. She had taken some meds so she wouldn't be a basket case, and pressed the bitter drink fervently to her lips. She hoped sipping Coffee all morning would save her from doing any more talking then necessary. Maria was standing in front of her next to little Liam's high chair holding out two of his little ties.

"It's September not Christmas, don't you have a blue tie or something. Blue would help bring out his eyes more, " Carla reached over to Liam and pinched his baby cheeks. The toddler beamed at her with enthused delight. "His hair is so light Maria, seems like it's getting lighter everyday."

"And messy, more and more messy. I need to comb it again because it just won't part right. It is driving me mental," Maria reached down to her son patting his hair. Liam was getting fussy. "Oh he better not start on me now, I barely slept last night he had me up for hours on end."

"I find that hard to believe," said Carla winking at the little boy. He stopped his fussing at once and reached out for her. Carla got out of her seat and when to collect him.

"Oh he has the Connor charm, he can pull the mask over any ladies eyes if he wanted to. He has you wrapped around his little finger."

This was true Carla thought, she simply adored baby Liam. "Michelle and Ryan will be here any minute now, go and get him the blue tie. I know you have one."

Maria was heading towards the stairs and muttering, "It will be an impossible find Carla, I don't even remember buying one."

"You did buy one. Sean told me, Marcus and him were with you, " Carla bellowed at Maria's ascending feet.

Now Carla was left downstairs standing all alone with Liam, his big green eyes looking up at her with such wonderment. They were his father's eyes. Carla felt saddened by her own behavior for the past couple of weeks. It had been so reckless and destructive. She had been selfishly wrapped up in her self and her own feelings for Liam, she had not considered how hard this must all be for Maria. Maria had to wake up every morning to a living reminder of Liam, his carbon copy in everything but hair color. Yet she always put on a happy face. In spite of all the bad blood between the two, Maria always smiled warmly every time she saw Carla, always picked up her up from her drunken binges, and was always their to listen to her when she was feeling alone. Maria had a good heart, and Carla was certain little Liam would inherit his mother's resilience and kindness.

"Shall we play a little game while we wait for mummy to get your tie?" cooed Carla. She walked Liam into the living room and placed him on the carpet next to an assortment of toys and books. Usually Carla was no good with children, but it surprised her how loving and caring she felt towards little Liam. She remembered when Maria first confided in her she was pregnant; it was the day Liam died. She was overcome with sorrow because it meant she and Liam could never be together. She was determined not to be the one to take a father away from his child. She would not bare the brunt of being a home wrecker.

At the same time she also felt jealously. She had never wanted any mans kids before, but in the last few times she had been with Liam she couldn't help but imagine the two of them having children together, blissfully retired to the Irish country side where they could watch them grow into old age. She was resentful that Liam and Maria would get to have that special gift, but of course now things turned out much differently for Maria.

Liam tumbled over to the books, his steps so angelic and carefree they made Carla want to cry. He ran back clumsily into her arms dropping a tiny blue book into her lap. "You want a story?" Liam nodded and positioned himself in Carla's lap. Carla looked down at the book and read the title _"Love you Forever, by Robert Munsch_." She turned the page and began to read…

Little Liam has such calm breathing; it began to soothe Carla. She stared down in amazement at this delicate child before her. He was so beautiful and innocent and oblivious about today. She had a strong urge to protect him; she always wanted to protect him from the tragedy of September 26th. To her he represented the true concrete proof that life does go on. All the times she was so stubborn and content in suffering and being in pain, here was a true sign that from darkness there could be light. Little Liam listens intently hanging onto her every syllable and she enjoys the comfort of his head come to rest on her shoulder

"_I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, my baby you'll be."_

Carla finished the book just as Maria came walking back down the stairs. She had found the blue tie. And was looking quite relieved. "Oh I see you guys found his book, I was beginning to wonder why it was so quite down here." Maria opened up her arms to collect Liam as Carla got to her feet. " Carla Conner sat down on the bare carpet, now I have seen everything, " scoffed Maria.

Carla rolled her eyes joking, "He was persuasive."

"It's odd seeing you here all maternal though Carla, it is actually quite nice . Liam really adores you ." Maria set Liam down on the couch and the toddler played with his mother's hair as she fixed his tie. "There, beautiful blue to bring out the eyes. You look absolutely stunning", Maria beamed down at her child and kissed him on the forehead. Suddenly Carla could see the tears welling in Maria's eyes and she instinctively went towards her. Maria broke down into uncontrollable sobs. "It just isn't fair you know. None of it is fair at all." She had been trying to hold her sadness in all day

Carla wrapped her arms around Maria and rocked her back and forth. Liam's seemed mildly concerned until he turned his attention elsewhere. He played with his stuffed giraffe and zebra on the living room couch, oblivious to all the pain unraveling around him. He was lucky for it Carla thought. Life does go on…

Maria's crying steadied and she removed her head from Carla's shoulder, "You know that's his favorite book. He makes me read it over and over every night. I just keep on saying I'll love you forever Liam, I'll like you for always, my baby you'll be. He doesn't understand where his father is and I am all he has got. I have to keep saying the words over and over in case I ever forget."

"Shhh, " whispered Carla trying to calm her friend she motioned her over to the sitting chair and Maria fell down her crying stifled. "Oh Maria, how could you ever forget?" Carla cupped Maria's face in her hands, her green eyes looking intently into Maria's deep blue.

Maria looked like she was convulsing, her head had involuntary jerks and she reached for the sides of the chair to steady herself. She looked to be struggling with her thoughts and Carla thought it was best to let her calm herself. She hated when people probed her and wouldn't do that to Maria.

"Sometimes I hate him Carla. Sometimes I hate my own God damn child. I look at him and I think to myself, he is a burden. He barely talks you've seen it he is almost four now, he isn't a toddler anymore. I wonder what is wrong with him. I have him in a bloody high chair because I just don't want to deal with him."

"Maria he's a tiny child—"

"Just stop talking Carla and let me finish. You have gotten a lot of time to talk over the years let me share my thoughts just this once."

Carla shuts her mouth and waits for Maria to respond.

"I hate how everyone goes around expecting people to love their kids unconditionally, when those kids themselves aren't born from conditional love. How messed up is that?" Maria looks down at Carla who is now squatting at her feet. Carla supposes Maria expects her to be horrified but she isn't. She understands Maria needs to get things off her chest. Maria musters up the courage to continue, "What you did with him Carla, it disgusts me. You act like you're the only one hurting, like Michelle and I don't matter. We get Carla he was the love of you life, but he was my husband and he is Liam's father. You sit at Rovers day in and out wasting each and every God damn day given to you. What about Little Liam's pain? Do you even care?

Carla didn't understand where this was coming from. She was on her best behavior today. The drugs had mellowed her out and she had not touched any alcohol.

"I haven't done anything today Maria."

"Yeah I don't care about today, what about tomorrow and next week?"

"I am trying Maria. And you are only getting yourself into a tizzy. Liam lived you to. "

There was a flash of bitterness that etched across Maria's beautiful features. "Well that's just it isn't it? He loved me—do you hear yourself right now Carla? _He loved me to. _ We were married for god sake!"

Carla does not have any words, she knows what Maria is saying is true. She interfered on a marriage. She had wanted to take Liam away from Maria and she did. She was selfish and now at the end of the day, she acted like she was the only person who cared about Liam, who had loved him. All the while little Liam has to grow up without a father, without ever having had known his father. She thinks back to what she had told Dr. Harrington two days previous.

"_You know I don't even remember his voice anymore. I had known him all my life and one day I tried to remember what he sounded like. Closed my eyes and everything, concentrated really hard on it but nothing..."_

She could sit here and fume and wonder where the hell this was all coming from. But the truth was it was long over due. Carla had cried for days after Liam had died because she was unwelcome at his funeral. Everyday she woke up and found more and more reasons not to be happy. She drank herself stupid and always expected Maria and Michelle to pick up the pieces. This wasn't about her anymore it never was really. It involved many more lives then just poor lonely Carla.

The doorbell rang signaling the arrival of Michelle and Ryan. Maria snapped out of her anger and went to go grab it. Carla looked over at little Liam still wrapped up in his own little world. She had complained how she wouldn't be able to remember Liam, how each and everyday she was losing pieces of him more and more to memories. But his son would never have these memories, of which to close his eyes and hope to conjure.

Maria was under a lot of pressure and Carla observed the child before her. Was Maria right? Was there something wrong with him, was he developing slowly? Maria had gone into labor prematurely, it was a possibility and yet Carla was so wrapped up in her own pain she didn't even notice. Maria had spent so much time and energy hauling her around to see Dr. Harrington and helping her detox that she was neglecting little Liam's needs. He was four and barely walking.

Michelle and Ryan appeared in the doorway greeting Carla warmly. Ryan rushes over to his cousin and scoops him up, and Michelle sits on the couch beaming at the scene.

Carla looks over at Maria who has just appeared in the doorway to the living room. She is not taking anything in and stares at her son with great emotion it breaks Carla's heart. Carla gets up to join her.

"I so sorry I didn't see how much you have to deal with Maria."

Maria continues to stare straight ahead, Carla wonders if Maria has heard her. The tears are flowing freely down her face.

"Been a tough day Carla, nothing more."

"No don't lie. You were right about a lot of things Maria and I am sorry."

"Your always sorry Carla, it's like washing windows with you. I have heard it all before. I don't really want you to say anything anymore." Maria turns around abruptly and heads towards the stairs.

Carla considers following Maria, but she doesn't. She realizes it wouldn't be any use. She could try convincing Maria she is changed all she wants but at the end of the day, it is only she, Carla who can change if she wants to. And God she wants to. She looks at the four-year-old boy in front of her, the splitting image of man she loved so dearly, a sign that life goes on, and she wants to change…

There must have been a reason why she didn't drink herself into a stupor today; maybe it is a sign she is finally growing up. Maybe it's Liam talking to her from up above, Carla won't let him down, she won't let little Liam down. The gorgeous boy stumbles in his walk towards her. Carla scoops him up immediately and all of a sudden she knows what she must do. It is time to start recovery.


	3. Chapter 3

_October 3, 2011_

_Dear Journal,_

_I had that dream again last night, the one I thought was finally gone forever. It's the one where Liam, Paul and I are all kids again and Paul steals the necklace my gran gave me just to tease me. I cry and beg him to give it back, but he wont so Liam goes after him. We end up at the pond near the Connor's childhood home, and just like in childhood Liam trips and hits his head on a rock near the pond. Usually at this point my mind signals my body to wake, it knows the strains an image of Liam's lifeless body can put upon me. But last night was different, when I tried to open my eyes I couldn't, Liam wouldn't let me. I wanted to scream but nothing came out, and when I tried to physically move my limbs where immobile. It was like a presence was holding me down, trying to make me accept the image of a 13 year Liam Connor lifeless and on the brink of death. I was terrified; my dream had never gone beyond this moment before. "Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this to me now?" I hear my 12-year-old self scream. I rush over to his body to be at his side and Paul joins me. We are both crying like we had all those years ago and Paul is getting scared. I try to remain calm but all those familiar feelings of emptiness resurface, and I feel hopeless as I kneel next to Liam's body. I check for his heartbeat and all those familiar things I had done when we had been children came into motion. I do CPR on him trying to make him breath but he isn't responding so I recoil next to Paul who is still crying and stare willing him to open his eyes. My 12 year old self thinks willing someone to live will work and against all odds like a miracle he opens his eyes. We wait for him to say something cheeky like he was just pulling our leg, but he just stares at us with his blue eyes. Paul runs back towards home to get Helen, and I hoist Liam's head to rest in my lap. Finally he says, "I can't move Carla, I can't feel my leg, my left leg Carla…" I look down at his leg and shriek horrified there is blood everywhere blood coming from his leg. But how? It was his head… and then I move my hands out from beneath him, there is blood everywhere, all over my dress and on my hands. I am petrified and cannot speak. "What is happening? How is this happening Liam…why are you doing this to me?" He glares at me then, but then composes himself beautiful and bloodless once more before ushering me to come closer to him. "Because I can…" The faint whisper of words sure to haunt me forever…_

It is 12 o'clock at the factory and Carla tells the girls she will be off for the remainder of the day. She promised to meet Michelle for a quick bite to eat before her appointment with Dr. Harrington. When Carla arrives at Nicks Restaurant Michelle is already waiting.

"Hello Love how's your day going?" Michelle asks as Carla sits down at the table across from her. The waiter has already bustled over to get there orders so Michelle orders a glass of red and Carla an iced tea, before deciding to let them take a few moments more with the menu.

"I am doing ok, how about you? Has Ryan left to go back to Uni?"

"Yes last night oh and he tells me to say he is very sorry he didn't come by to say goodbye, but I told him he can call and tell you himself."

Carla laughs and takes a swig of her ice tea, "It is no worry really. He is all grown up now he has a life to live. Can't be bothered with an old aunt like me"

"Oh yes tell me about it. The Connor men always have a_ life_ to live. They spend half the there lives telling you all about it, trust me I know."

"Ha Ha oh Michelle, you forget I was married one. I think his name was Paul, so I do know all about it."

"Touché", Michelle emptied her class and signaled for the waiter. "Speaking of Connor men, there is something I want to tell you. It's about little Liam."

Suddenly Carla felt worried. She noticed concern overtake Michelle's often-relaxed features.

"Maria will probably be angry with me for this but I don't care because you deserve to know. Maria took Liam to the doctors, you know she has been worried about him, he hasn't really been walking or speaking like he should for his age. The doctors think they may have identified some motor problems. They told her, he has mild cerebral palsy in his left leg."

_Left leg… _

Carla was trying to process this heartbreaking news and thought of her dream, the remnants she had recorded in her journal.

_I can't feel my leg, my left leg…Carla_

Carla felt overwhelmed and wanted to cry. She felt her voice breaking as she asked, "Will he be ok, and will he be able to walk? What about Maria?"

"The doctor says he has to wear leg braces in order to help him walk. This is all really stressful for Maria and she is worried about the medical. But I think she will be ok, she has us right?"

"Of course. Does she need any help watching him, I wouldn't mind."

"That is sweet of you Carla, you got such a good heart. But Maria didn't even want you to know about any of this. I am only telling you because you are practically my sister and I feel you have a right to know. I don't know what is going on with the two of you right now, but I hope you guys can just work it out so we can go back to being family. We are too old for all this falling out"

Carla knew exactly what was wrong; she hadn't shared any of the events of Liam's memorial with Michelle or what transpired between the two. Maria basically hated Carla and in Carla's mind she had every right to. But Carla was working on changing herself, and this time she wasn't going to talk about it, but actually do it. She had already signed up for a recovery program for alcoholics and was keeping her appointments with Dr. Harrington. She even poured all her vodka down the drain.

"Just give her time Michelle. She regularly hates me you know that, but it doesn't matter she has better things to worry about like Liam. And anyways you always have her back, so there will be no shortage of family."

Michelle sat across from Carla her mouth wide open she was taken aback. "Carla Conner, not willingly talking negative about Maria Connor…who are you and what have you done with Carla?"

Carla just laughed. Truthfully at the moment she did not know where the old Carla Conner was, but she was certain she was far away from here. Slowly she was starting to find a new person, a happier person, and more full of hope. But something was threatening this that dream. It was threatening to drag her back into darkness, and she was determined to fight against it, whatever it was.

It was 1:00 in the afternoon when Carla and Michelle finally finished lunch. She had an hour to spare before her appointment with Dr. Harrington, the two parted ways and Carla decided to go home and take a quick shower before going into town. She felt eerie as she stood in the doorway of her bedroom. She stared at her bed; her sheets all in rumpled mess were the only signs of her disturbing dream. Liam wouldn't let her open her eyes he made her watch him and relive the moment from their childhood when she thought she had lost him and everything was ending. It was unbearable having to endure that when it had happened all those years ago but to relive it all again threatened to break her.

The hit and run, the night he actually died, she remembered how she watched him as they put him on the stretcher. There was blood everywhere and she wanted to run to his side, but she couldn't. The child like games of staring and willing someone to live would not work. There was no magic in any of it, it was truly his ending, no trick of the mind, no innocent fight, no brother to run and call for mother, no opening eyes to greet her and tell her he was ok.

Carla entered her bathroom and turned on the tub, slowly watching the water rise as she caressed it. With her finger tips. She decided Liam had used the dream to reach out to her the way he knew how, and tell her that his son would suffer. Carla felt angry, she wanted to scream and cry. Poor little Liam, what would his life be like? She felt powerless and as she removed her clothing and climbed into the tub, she felt the water submerge her. It wasn't fair; he was just a boy why should he have to grow up with this disability and without his father. He was four and his life was already full of so many setbacks. Michelle said it was only mild CP and that he would walk, but Carla was still worried.

She had always felt so sad or angry with both Liam and Paul for leaving her, but now she was angry that Liam would allow for this to happen to his son. She felt so much anger, at first it was about the dream but now it was about everything. Death in general angered her, Liam had left everyone to pick up the pieces, and she had been left to face the wrath of Maria, Helen, and Barry. He had left her with the feeling that life was dark and that nothing could save her. He made sure she would never forget him.

The water in the tub was at Carla's shoulders. "Why are you allowing this to happen to your son? Why are you doing this to me?" Carla whispered. But she did not want to hear an answer; she submerged her whole body in the tub and thought she heard the faint familiar whisper…

"_Because I can."_


	4. Chapter 4

**Some inappropriate and sensitive subject manner about abuse. You are forewarned**

"I think you have a lot of anger Carla."

Carla sat across from Dr. Harrington on her comfortable leather sofa. She had been late for the appointment, lost in her own world as she lay underneath the water in her tub. She finally came to it when she heard her cell phone blazing from her adjacent bedroom. Apparently she had missed five calls and Dr. Harrington would have called the police to go check on her if not for Carla finally answering. So after all of this Carla was really not all that surprised that the woman staring back at her in luminous perfection with golden blond hair was looking to play hardball. Carla however decided to bite her tongue.

Dr. Harrington continued, "I think your anger is misdirected."

"Why is that Doctor?" Carla posed the question in a manner of mocking care. In reality she was so overcome with sadness because to whole situation regarding little Liam she did not care.

"You are acting like both Liam and Paul purposely chose to die and leave you. No one does that."

Carla cocked her head to the side and looked bemused, "Tell that to my granddad. He offed himself when me mum was young and couldn't have care what the consequences were. But maybe you'd be interested to hear them. My mum basically ran away from home at 16, you see her new stepfather had been inappropriate with her for some time. She met an older boy had my brother and then me and settled down into an alcoholic mess with countless boyfriends and drugs. My brother endured her hatred, which leads me to suspect he may have been product of her stepfather and not my dad. And then my brother to went the way of hell. Now he has racked up countless prison terms and drug charges. He even gave some girlfriends a few black eyes along the way. "

"That example you just graced me with proves my point Carla. Instead of blaming your mother for neglecting you and your brother, you lay the blame completely on a grandfather you never met. He is like a non-entity to you, never having known him it is easier to vilify him and label him as the source of all your suffering. You aren't ready to accept that the mother you know and love, was incapable of giving you love and it hurts you to be angry at her alone, so you blame her father for committing suicide and leaving her defenseless."

"Bravo doctor," Carla could feel more scathing remarks itching to get off her tongue. What happened to biting her tongue she thought.

Dr. Harrington ignored her and continued, "You are repeating the same with the abandonment issues you feel towards your mother with Liam and Paul. You feel like death is the ultimate betrayal, and now you are projecting those feelings onto your nephew Liam. You act as though Liam left his son willingly, but if I remember correctly you told me Liam didn't even know about his son on the night he was killed. So what I want for you to do is tell me what it is you are really angry about? Is this about your nephew and his cerebral palsy or is this about you and how you feel left behind by Liam?"

Carla sat for moment. She shrunk back into the sofa in silence and suddenly she felt so small. The anger that had made her feel so deranged in the tub had flooded from her. She was broken and vulnerable once more, she was ashamed. The doctor made her feel so ashamed.

"Because I can," Carla said staring at Dr. Harrington dead in the eyes. "I asked him why he left me in the dream I had, why he was dying on me and that's what he said, because I can." Carla felt her whole body convulsing saying those words. They tore through her heart and she was on the brink of tears. "You know I think of all the times he hurt me, when he chose every other girl he could besides me. I always wanted to scream out to him, why didn't you pick me, I was standing right there I loved you more then any of them ever could. Why go for the blonde prissy girls with the perfect homes, and the clothes?" Carla now lurched forward more comfortable in what she was saying and feeling, "He always went for those girls because he could, because in the back of his mind he knew I desired him and always would. You know on his 21, he kept on looking at me with that look you give someone when you are noticing them for the first time. I kept expecting him to come on over, and talk to me, but he never did he stuck with his mates all evening. It was Paul who paid attention to me that night, and it was in that moment I decided Liam could go fuck himself. I was set on marrying Paul instead."

Dr. Harrington took a few notes on her note pad before looking up. "So you felt like Liam never really loved you in the way he should have, that you loved him more. So then you made the brash decision to marry Paul, because Paul was still the brother of the man you loved."

"I loved Paul in his own right. In the early years, he was a wonderful husband."

"No Carla, he was safe. He was a way for you to be connected to Liam and at the same time he acted as a safe guard against Liam. Paul was your convenient excuse to not confront what you truly wanted."

"I loved Paul", Carla repeated as though she had not heard a word Dr. Harrington had said.

"Ahhh yes, " Dr. Harrington was now the one bemused. "That's just it isn't it? "You loved Paul, but you were _in love _with Liam."

"You don't know what you are talking about."

"Carla you just admitted it yourself. You just told me all about Liam's 21st birthday. You got all dressed up he invited you out. You went and thought to yourself maybe that night he would finally choose you, he would feel the same way. But he didn't so you settled for Paul, who had always like you. You settled for love where you could get it. And for years you and Paul had a loving relationship. For him it was complete besotted love, and for you it was safe and something to contend with. He was your friend, not your soul mate. Now why is it so hard for you to say what you describe?"

"Aren't I already horrible enough. I already have a drinking problem; I am labeled as a husband stealer wherever I go, as selfish and career driven. I am the local neighborhood dragon lady and black widow rolled into one. Any man who gets involved with me ends up dying."

"Answer me Carla. Admit who you really love and what you are angry at."

" I love them b-"

"You loved Liam and it was always Liam. You're angry because you married Paul and made yourself and him both believe that it was real. You're angry because as you have said Liam never fought for you. You have guilt because of what happened the night before your wedding, that Helen walked in-"

"STOP IT, JUST STOP IT DON'T YOU DARE SAY ANYMORE," Carla saw red, the anger was back again, she lounged out of her seat. She wanted to slap Dr. Harrington on the face. Dr. Harrington ignored her and her threatening stance.

"Helen walked in on you in the arms of a son, who wasn't the son you would be marrying the next day. She walked in on Liam and you kissing, didn't she? She hated you before then, she thought you were low class ever since Michelle bought you home to play r that day long ago when you were kids. She judged your muggy hair and tattered clothes, and she didn't want you or your druggy mum and criminal brother around her family. And when she saw that kiss all those years later, it made her physically ill Carla. You were trash and had already seduced one son, now you had gotten the other, her favorite son Liam. You would never be good enough, not only were you trash from the wrong side of town, you were immoral, like a poison."

Carla couldn't take it anymore -_SLAP-_

She couldn't remember what happened next, but the doctor was on the floor with blood coming down her lips. How the fuck did she do it? How did she know all of Carla's insecurities and her anger? Further how did Dr. Harrington know all of these things, Carla was certain she never told her about the Liam incident that had taken place before her marriage to Paul. Perhaps she was being paranoid, but something was not right about Dr. Harrington. The doctor looked almost triumph like she had enjoyed the rage she sent Carla into.

"That's it Carla, release your rage. Once you release your rage you can accept the things you can not change and move forward on the road to recovery."

Carla started down at the Doctor who was now readjusting her blouse. She had just been assaulted in a fit of rage and yet she was smiling acting like this was all ok and part of the process. Carla could not believe her. Perhaps it was the doctor who needed to see a shrink

"This is not recovery," she whispered to Dr. Harrington. If this was what recovery was, something that unleashed an angry uncontrollable monster that assaulted people she wanted no part in it. It was not the person she wanted to be. "This is not recovery at all."

Carla ran for the door and swung it open nearly breaking the door handle. The receptionist outside looked up from her paper work alarmed but Carla didn't care, she just wanted to get out of there. She felt like things were going down hill quickly and she knew that she was on that familiar path towards relapse.


	5. Chapter 5

**I am on a roll today so here is chapter 5**

It was a dreary Thursday evening as Dr. Harrington drove into the corrections center just three hours away from Manchester. She made the drive every week usually on Sunday, but the events of today were urgent and she had to fix things quickly. She went through the mandatory check for weapons, and the inspecting of her mobile device like a routine she was going through the motions. She felt like an expert now and as she slide into her booth and picked up the phone, she smiled at the cold face staring back at her. She was clearly screwed, her smiles usually worked on men.

"Why are you here Katherine? I wasn't expecting you until Sunday." The voice on the other side was anything but the warmth she so longed for at the moment. But she knew Tony Gordon was not one to be sympathetic.

"I screwed up Tony. I am so sorry-"

"How the fuck did you manage to screw up. We have been working on this plan for 3 years. Tell me what you did?"

"She is suspicious of me. I got a little carried away. I know you want to petition the judge and have the question of her character examined. I know how badly you want a retrial. I did everything you asked, I provoked her she went into a rage and I took pictures of the assaults aftermath just like we planned."

"Then what happened Kate? If it all went according to plan and you got the pictures what went wrong?"

"Tony darling please let me explain with out you interrupting me. I am shaken up as it is."

"Get on with it then," Tony glared across from the panned glass.

"I think I mentioned a story she hadn't told me yet. There are so many you see, it's hard to keep track. Sure it got a rise out of her and she attacked me like we wanted, but there was something about the way she looked at me as she left, like she was on to me. I don't know if she remembers which stories she did and didn't tell me. I am praying she does not."

"Carla is a smart woman but she is paranoid too., especially since the death of her precious Liam. Katherine you have messed things up. Now I have to fix this." Tony sighed and tilted his head in deep thought. He looked up and met Dr. Harrington with stern and deadly eyes. "Now here's what we are going to do…"

Dr. Harrington lend in eagerly ready and waiting for his every word…

Carla didn't want to go to sleep. She had driven in her car for hours trying to calm herself down on the desolate roads of the country side. She was determined not to be anywhere in town where she could be tempted by the alluring scent of liquor. Finally when she had calmed down and her cravings had past she went home. She had ordered in some sushi but didn't have the stomach to eat a morsel of food. So she sat on her couch in complete darkness, the clock ticking away she was not sure what time it was anymore. She just wanted to know, how did the doctor know such an intimate story? Carla was sure she had never told Dr. Harrington what had transpired between her and Liam the day before she had married Paul. Only three people knew about it, that was herself, Helen and Liam. Liam never told anyone, and Carla was certain Helen would not be eager to share the story either. Perhaps she was being paranoid. Perhaps this was a distraction for all the painful and hurtful things said in today's session. Carla couldn't believe she had slapped her psychiatrist and not only slapped but practically assault her. She had drawn blood. She hadn't been that angry since she was 15 and had fought off one on her brothers punk friends who was trying to beat her. That was her survival mode; she only used it when protection was absolutely vital. But perhaps it was necessary today as well, Carla didn't want to relive that night with Liam, a night so wonderful it was painful all the same. But the problem was the harder she tried to not think, the more the memory kept gnawing at her until finally…

_Carla was having her Daisy Buchannan moment. She had locked herself in her hotel suite, the family had all booked rooms in the hotel for the wedding, it was near a beautiful church that Paul insisted they get married, or rather Helen. It was a nice Catholic Church called St. Monica, conveniently Monica is the patron saint for married women, and Carla felt it was one more dig by Helen at how classless she considered her. Carla was nervous with the mounting pressure of never feeling good enough, and she was stressed because no one from her side of the family would be attending. Her last hope was her old fraternal grandmother, the only family she felt she ever had. Her grandmother was ill and suffering from the last stages of leukemia, Carla had tried to fight for the wedding to be closer to her grandmother's town, but Helen wouldn't hear it and Carla didn't want any conflict._

_The night before the wedding, Carla left Michelle and Tom to their cooing over new born baby Ryan and walked out into the reception area. She pressed the elevator button lost in her own worries and thoughts, when the doors finally opened and she was met by non other than Liam and his current prissy freshly squeezed dumbo. Carla couldn't even remember her name now. Perhaps it was Victoria or Louise, it didn't really matter Carla was annoyed and in a foul room._

"_Hiya Carla!" Liam said beaming at her. His dark black hair was in a tousle and his girlfriend Louise, Victoria, whatever giggle in delight hanging onto his arm like she was never going to let go._

_God he looked so beautiful Carla thought, even when he was letting other women fawn all over him. But just a quickly as the thought entered her mind, she banished it in shame and resolve. She was going to be Paul's wife tomorrow._

"_Have you seen Paul?" Liam asked trying to get his girlfriend to stop playing with his hair so he could collect himself._

"_I don't know why you'd even ask me that Liam. You know the bride isn't supposed to really spend the night with the groom before the wedding. It's bad luck."_

_For a second Carla thought she saw the faint shadow of hurt etch across Liam's eyes. Perhaps it was the words bride and groom that where fazing him, Carla felt a smug satisfaction. He had his chance and blew it, he many chances._

"_Ooooh snappy, " chimed Liam's annoying girl friend, bringing him back to earth. He had forgotten she was there as he stared intently at Carla. He now turned to her and pulled her hands off of him._

"_Really Olivia?"_

_Ha Carla thought, Olivia I wasn't even close_

"_Put a lid on it. You've been a goner all evening, my brothers wedding tomorrow requires that you actually attend and not pass out in a cab like you did before the rehearsal dinner."_

"_Hmmm," said Carla not nearly as entertained by the scene before her as she had been moments earlier. She didn't want to hear about anything any girl did with Liam, whether it be romantic dinner dates or Liam nursing a drunk girlfriend in the back of a cabbie. She abruptly pushed herself past Olivia onto the elevator, leaving Liam to collect his girlfriend who was now stumbling in his arms singing "It's my birthday I can cry if I want to cry if I want to…" the doors shut and Carla thought peace at last…_

_Ring Ring_

Carla snapped back into the present, her mobile phone was on the kitchen table ringing. She rushed over to kitchen to answer it. It was Michelle.

"Carla?"

"Hey Michelle."

"Where have you been I rang you like 20 times. Sally has been round to see me, she said she wasn't sure if you were coming in today or not and is flustered by her duties and responsibility. I really don't know why she is telling me for."

Carla rolled her eyes and sighed, "That girl I swear, actually I am positive I told her I wouldn't be in today. Thought she'd be happy with the duties and all. What time is it anyways?"

"9:00 am. Have you been drinking or something?"

"Hah very funny Michelle, no I haven't been drinking, I just lost track of time is all. I haven't been able to sleep lately."

"You should get Dr. Harrington to prescribe some sleeping pills or something."

"Hmmm maybe, we will see," Carla was in no mood to discuss the Dr. at the moment.

"What's that hmmm for missy?"

"Nothing Michelle. Honest you're all jokes today aren't you. What happened?"

"Met a bloke, what else?"

"Oh my Michelle you are killing me, do tell."

"I will but over coffee and some pastry, mine is not a story for the phone if you get my drift."

Carla couldn't help but playfully roll her eyes. "Where and when?"

"Roy's at 1:00. Oh and Maria is coming as well." Michelle hung up before Carla could respond to that last little bit of information.

When Carla arrived at Roy's around 1:00, Maria and Michelle had already ordered coffee and pastry. They were huddled in a corner sharing secrets like a bunch of schoolgirls. Michelle's face lit up once she noticed Carla, Maria's soured immediately.

"Hello," said Carla, sitting down across from the two. She already felt isolated with Maria's obvious cold inclinations toward her. Carla remembered why she always had very few girl friends during school. They were always so two-faced and catty. "How is everyone?"

"Good," responded Michelle immediately. Maria abruptly rose from the table and collected her purse heading towards the washrooms.

"Seriously? What is going on with you two?"

"Really Michelle, why are you asking me? I am making an effort; she is the one who is clearly hostile. I am sure you will figure it out what makes most Connor women tick, starts with an L, ends with an M, been dead 5 years now."

"Not cool," Said Michelle. "I came her to talk about my beau and you two go and ruin it with talk about my dead brother. You guys both know before any of them were your husbands, they were my brothers right?"

Carla was now getting irritated, "Of course Michelle!"

"Good, just seems like sometimes you guys get lost in the ongoing pity party that has been the last five years, seven if we are talking Paul. Just wanted to make sure you realized that Liam and Paul's death is much more then the two of you."

"You should tell Maria this to, not only me. I wasn't trying to start anything Michelle. I really don't want to have a row, can you just tell me all about your beau. I was so excited coming over here."

"Okay fine if you really want me to," Michelle smirks.

Carla repressed her impulse to roll her eyes.

"His name is Jack Thomas…"

It is evening once Carla gets back to her flat. Maria did join them again eventually, but spent the whole evening avoiding eye contact with Carla or talking to Michelle. Carla is exhausted and heads into her kitchen to get a glass of water. She notices there are a few messages on her answering machine and presses play.

"_Mrs. Connor, this is Dr. Harrington calling. I wanted to meet with you to discuss the last therapy session we had. You left my office flustered and out of sorts. I want to explain to you, that you are on the right path to recovery and I want to help you make sense of all that happened. I know you may think I crossed the line with some of the comments I made to you, but if you let me explain you will see that it was all for the purposes of releasing your anger. It would be a mistake for you to quit treatment and counseling now that you have made such a break through. Please be in touch a soon as possible. I would like to meet before next weeks regular session."_

Carla pressed delete. She was still uneasy about her previous session with the doctor and what she had done. She was alarmed that Dr. Harrington would let her get to such a level of insanity; she was alarmed that she had allowed her self to go as far as she had. And even more, she was still bothered by the story she was sure she had never shared with Dr. Harrington. How could she have possibly had known about it?

Carla sat in front of her mirror at her dresser brushing her hair out for bedtime. Her collarbone was exposed and her necklace rested beautifully on her skin. It was the necklace her grandmother had given her as a child. The one in her dream, the one Liam had fought to get back from Paul when she was 12, the one she was wearing the night before her wedding day…

_Carla sat in front of the mirror in her hotel room brushing her in a routine fashion. She was in a trance, lost in the sorrow that the only family member she was close to would not be coming. Still she thought as her hands clasped the necklace, I still have this. Gran always told her to wear it as a child and that in wearing it her Gran would always be close to her, even when she felt far away. Carla wanted to cry. How hard could it have been for Helen to have the venue closer to her Grandmothers home? Carla could have made sure that her Gran would see her in her wedding dress, even if she had to go to the cancer ward to make it possible. Carla let out a stifled sob before her dreary depressing thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the hotel door. At first Carla wanted to ignore it and just lock herself in the bathroom for a good cry, but then she heared his voice._

"_Carla."_

_Liam? What is he doing here, And at this time? Strange. Carla rises from her seat, putting one foot in front of the other. For some reason her legs feel like a cross between lead and jelly. If she wasn't careful she might tumble to the ground like Olivia had earlier. Her stomach feels uneasy, and her hands sweaty as she reaches for the door handle. Slowly she turns the knob noticing that her heart has begun to beat loudly. He probably just wants to talk, say good night, she reasons with herself. Liam stands in her doorway with his rose colored cheeks, even more flushed than usual. His black hair is still tousled, and his blue eyes penetrating, taking her all in._

"_Can I come in?"_

She always wondered why he bothered to ask. He knew what her answer would be before she had even said it. Carla walks over to her light and switches it off; she is in total darkness in her surroundings and in the mind.

"You should've never let him in" Carla is talking not of rooms but of the mangled worn down heart slowly desecrating from within.


	6. Chapter 6

**Warning some offensive language is present in this section**

_October 23, 2011_

_Dear Journal, _

_I have refused all of Dr. Harrington's attempts to reach out to me for the last two weeks. I can't sleep, and instead I am forced to relive that night in which I betrayed Paul with Liam over and over again. Perhaps this is my penance maybe this is my guilt. Now I question what to do with this guilt, should wear it like a scarlet letter, or is it etched into the skin like a mark of Cain? I don't know, maybe this is all a bunch of rambling of a crazy person. But I can't sleep and every time I close my eyes, I see Liam dead at 13 years of age. Over and over he says, "Because I can" What is happening to me? What should I do? That story, how did the doctor know? And what else does she know? Should I return to her, and try to figure out who told her and what else she knows? Maybe I will, besides I could do with some sleeping pills, I have been avoiding alcohol like the plague. I think I will call her and tell her I need to come back. And well I am at it; I might as well call Michelle back. She wants me to go on a mini break with her Ryan, and his girlfriend. Maybe a distraction will help me think of something else besides Liam. _

"Welcome back Carla. I was starting think you would never come back, but I am glad to see that you have accepted what it takes to achieve recovery." Dr. Harrington adjusted her yellow cardigan and reached out to offer Carla a complementary tray of sweets sitting on the table between them. Carla shook her head implying no thanks. Dr. Harrington continued, "So shall we talk about the last time you were here?"

"No, I prefer not to. However I would like to know something." Carla looked at the doctor, trying to examine her body language. Perhaps if she would behave nervously and give herself away, to what exactly Carla was not sure. She had not established what Dr. Harrington was guilty of yet. To Carla's disappointment the doctor cool calm and collected.

"Ask away."

"Why in heavens name didn't you call the police on me? I gave you a bloody lip."

Dr. Harrington laug a high-pitched sound, it began irked Carla. Ever since Carla decided the Doctor could not be trusted she got annoyed with every weird quirk the woman possessed.

"Carla it is apart of the process. I am allowing you the room necessary to express your anger. Letting go of anger is key to moving on. If punching me is the way you choose to do, so be it, what matters it that you deal with this anger."

This woman really is crazy. Looks can be deceiving. Carla nodded her head to indicate the answer had been satisfactory. However it only established there was something wrong with the doctor. "So I guess today we will be talking more about my marriage to Paul?"

"If you like? Or Liam, or both you can talk about both."

Carla raised an eyebrow, "So I can talk about them both, but just not imply I love them both?"

"Carla are we ever going to get past this game? Paul himself probably knew you loved Liam over him."

"For an outsider, with so little detail, you sure seem to know a lot about Paul, Liam, and I."

Dr. Harrington held up the thick file sitting next to her on the couch. "Remember this sucker Carla, it has all your incidents and hospital stays. Sure I don't know the full story, as told from your lips, but I can conjure up the details, and put pieces of the puzzle together."

Carla nodded curtly. She had almost forgotten about the file. Dr. Harrington had used it once before to bully emotions out of her. Carla really didn't know why she was so surprised the Doctor had said the vile things she had last session.

"In any case, the files won't help me to understand who ever told you it was ok to love two brothers at once. Correct me if I am mistaken, you seem to have enjoyed being the object of both brothers affections all your life. Perhaps maybe the pain all of this is due not to the loss of the two brothers per say, but the loss of their undying adoration and affection."

Carla was determined not to let this therapist incite her to anger again. She took deep breaths counting

1,2,3,4,5…

"There is nothing wrong with that Carla. You never really had love before, so how were supposed to know what was normal and what wasn't. Paul thought you were a trophy wife, and Liam, well Liam just knew you were always a girl he could depend on to get a good lay."

30, 31, 32, 33, 34….

"You thought every time Liam said he loved you during the sex, that he meant it. You just went through life craving male attention, didn't you? Your father abandoned you, your mother's boyfriends beat up on you, and your brother was in-group homes. When he left you felt abandoned once again. You always felt that though. None of the kids at school would come near silly, smelly Carla would say. But the new girl Michelle didn't care when you both were in sixth grade. She took pity on you, didn't she? She invited you home one day, and she ruined your life."

69, 70,…

Carla couldn't count anymore she was beside herself in agony, pitiful almost.

"Stop it please stop it."

"What, stop telling the truth? No I don't think so Carla, it's the only way you will be free. You have to embrace this."

"That's not the truth! It is warped up lies, and I don't believe them. Michelle was my friend!"

"Oh yes I bet she was," Dr. Harrington smirked. "She was such a good friend that once you laid eyes on her brothers you forgot all about her didn't you? You know it true that is why you are crying."

Carla had sunk to the floor now curled up in the fetal position. She wanted to lash out and hurt Dr. Harrington, but she couldn't. She felt weak, and in the back of her mind, she felt the doctor was bringing to light all the insecurities she felt.

If there exists within a person a little bit of doubt, that was all that was needed to plant the seed. What this seed was only time would tell.

It was Sunday and Dr. Harrington sat across from Tony Gordon at the correctional facility. He drummed his fingers patiently as she briefed him on the past Thursday's developments.

"So it's working then?"

"If by working, you mean I am slowly planting the seeds of doubt, then yes it is."

"That's exactly what I mean Katherine. Good job, but we still have more to do and time is running out."

"Well I thought you just wanted to make her a bit crazy so that you could discredit her testimony in court at your next appeal."

"That's exactly it Katherine, glad to know you have been listening. But there is more."

"What more Tony? I wish you'd tell me things; you're always so secretive. And my latest blunder has you pulling away sweet heart . I wish you wouldn't"

"God Kate! I don't need to tell you everything. I told you enough. I told you that story didn't I? The one Helen Connor was all to eager to share with me when Carla and I first got engaged. I thought she was a crazy loon, at first. But then I heard it straight from the vixen's mouth how there used to be something between her and Liam. How could I ignore it then? Helen is the only one in that family that tells the truth she sees Carla for what she is."

Dr. Harrington nodded her head in agreement. She was annoyed that Tony was snapping at her, after all her hard work this past week. She was behaving unethically with a patient, all because of her love for him and he didn't care. He seemed consumed by an obsession for Carla Conner as well. His had become one of hatred, and it was just as deep and disturbing as his love for Carla had once been.

"So what more can you possibly do to destroy Carla?"

"By time your done with her, I want her to be broken."

"Yes I know that, but how can I guarantee, she will come back? I mean who would willingly come back to hear such cruel psychologically damning words."

"My dear, you obviously don't know Carla Connor well. Normal for her is wallowing in darkness and self-pity. She'll come back to you because guess what, the woman loves it. She likes to feel damaged, that way she will always have someone to take care of her. And there is only one person she wants to do that, it doesn't matter that he is dead. When she wallows in the darkness, she sees Liam, she is that obsessed with him."

"I don't think she is the only one obsessed with a past lover," Dr. Harrington says boldly.

And evil glint appears in Tony's dark brown eyes. A deadly smirk forms on his mouth. "I think, you're right about that dear Kate. There something to be said of a man or woman who can fall so pathologically in love."

Dr. Harrington knows exactly what he means, she should be afraid, all signs point to Tony Gordon being insane, if not psychopathic and yet with all her training she can't help but be drawn to him, in love with him. Perhaps she has already gone to that defeated place Carla is going.

The prison guards are doing their routine bedtime drill. "Lights out!" So the lights go out and in the dark lies Tony Gordon. For the past three years he had been in this cell, and he was just etching to be free. He didn't understand why he was being punished. In the eyes of God, it was Carla who sinned. Liam even greater, he coveted his neighbor's wife, he took his brothers wife. If this had been the olden days, Tony would have faced him in combat, shot him in a duel. He did nothing wrong, he did what he did for love.

She didn't care though. Carla was deaf to his cries and pleas; he tried to explain to her that night in the factory. But she already put it all together, figured out what he had done. She wouldn't listen to his reasons. She just shouted how she always loved Liam more. He shook her life a deranged man, it was an outer body experience. He boosted how he killed her precious little Liam; how it made him physically ill to see the way she became this different person every time Liam walked into a room. And when Michelle unknowingly revealed the sex they had in her wedding dress, Tony became inconsolable. He thought to himself, what a whore she was. She had done this to two husbands both with the same man. He laughed thinking all those months after Liam's death, how she could no longer have him.

But when she said she loved him even more from the grave, Tony couldn't handle it. He bashed her head against the wall of the factory; he tried to take the life out of her. His hands clasped her neck and she looked at him defiantly daring him to do it. It was what she wanted; she wanted to die so she could be with Liam. He wouldn't give her a happy ending. Not with Liam and especially not for an eternity.

When Tony was arrested for hiring the hit man, he stewed for months in this cell wondering how he was going to get her back. Then it came to him, his magnificent plan. It would be a fate worse then death. She clung onto the memory of Liam like a moth drawn to the flame. Tony would take those memories and he would make her question them. It would be psychological warfare, and he would sow the seeds of doubt. He wouldn't stop until she truly believed that Liam never really loved her. The only thing worse for her then a world with out Liam is a world, where Liam never loved her at all. He would take everything from her; he would tear her precious Liam from her arms once more. This time for good until she had no soul. Only then would he be satisfied. It was all he breathed for.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks so much for all the lovely positive reviews. I don't want to let any of you down with this fic. Enjoy the latest installment **

Carla was having more and more of those dreams again. Sometimes they were normal, the usual playing around together as children. She still had the disturbing with Liam uttering _because I can_, but lately more and more memories of the growing intimacy between the two have found their way into Carla's subconscious. They were memories of kisses on the cheek, of hugs that were innocent until they weren't anymore, and that uncontrollable giddiness she felt even as a child whenever Liam was around her. Then there was the memory she had tried so hard to bury; the one Dr. Harrington had brought up, it kept on seeping through when she least expected it. It was triggered by the simplest of things; there was no escaping it. She had dreamed of it last night.

"_Can I come in?"_

_He stands in her doorway his naturally rosy cheeks enhanced from the outside air from which he just came. His black hair has been made messy by the wind and his blue eyes are dancing with anticipation. Liam stands in front Carla with such confidence; he demands her full attention. Carla steps aside to let him in._

"_What are you doing here Liam?" Carla's heart is still beating loudly as she tries to steady her voice. Her attempt to come across as annoyed falters as she is intrigued by Liam's presence."_

_Liam slips out of his grey coat and takes off his scarf draping it over a sitting chair._

"_I need to talk to you Carla?"_

"_What about? Is it about Paul, is Michelle ok?"_

"_They are fine," Liam says. His eyes are more intense than ever and it is making Carla nervous. Her hands are sweating and she begins to play with her necklace. "How come you never ask after me?"_

"_Well you're right here, 6"1 perfectly healthy Irishman, you look fine to me."_

"_Well I'm not."_

" _Well what's wrong with you then?" Carla says shuffling her feet. She is getting flustered just looking at his beautiful face. Ever since they were little Liam had a way of making women shower him with attention for mysterious aliments_

"_What do you think?"_

"_I don't read minds Liam."_

"_You really don't know what this is about Carla?"_

"_NO! If I did I would have said so already."_

"_Fine then, I just have to know something. Do you really think he'll be enough for you, my brother Paul?"_

_Carla's heart was now beating uncontrollably and she felt ashamed of herself as she began to blush. Liam must have noticed. Why did he have to do this now? She felt her knees going weak and she try to walk backwards as to increase the space between them. But with every step backwards Liam moved closer until he had her locked against a corner of the hotel room. Carla could feel the heat of him, it was sensual, and it was warming. But she tried not to look at him as he clasped her cheek with his right hand. It was unbearable._

"_Carla," he whispers in her ear and she feels as though she could ignite. "Look at me, look at me please," he pleads. Carla forces herself to look at him; the weight of his stare makes her want to fall apart in his arms. _

"_Please Liam," Carla musters, "Let me go."_

"_I can't Carla, please don't ask me to. I look at you and I feel like I could crumble. Every time I see you all I can think about is how I want to kiss you, I have loved you since we were little Carla."_

_She knows her pleads for him to stop are pointless, he knows what she really wants, him. He leans in slowly locking his deep blue eyes into her green and holding her there with deep anticipation, slowly wrapping his hands around her waist. His breathing is shallow and once more he whispers her name. His kiss is hungry and Carla responds just as hungrily meeting his tongue with equal pressure. Slowly she moves her hands through his black hair. She is in heaven_

_Oh my god! What am I doing? I am marrying Paul tomorrow. Carla's euphoria becomes overshadowed by guilt. She pushes Liam off of her, away from her, feeling flustered. Liam is out of breath his eyes searching hers. His victory short lived._

"_This is a mistake Liam. You can't feel this way about me. I'm marrying Paul tomorrow." Carla tries to stifle the sobs giving way in her voice. _

"_You don't love him Carla."_

"_You don't know anything about it Liam!" Carla turns away from him to face the wall. "You have no right coming here and doing this."_

"_If you don't feel anything for me, then look at me and tell me to my face you don't love me."_

"_I don't love you Liam. I can't…"_

" _You don't or you can't? I didn't ask you if you couldn't."_

"_Fine I don't!"_

"_Liar, you're such a liar Carla and you know it. Look at me and say it to my face."_

_Carla turns around to face him. His face is pleading; he is yearning for her and she for him. She knows the battle is lost. It has always been a losing battle for both of them. Carla is in tears now._

"_Look at me Carla…"_

_He is pulling her in once more._

_Ring Ring_ Carla's mobile brings her back to the present once more. She picks it up immediately. It's Maria and she wants to talk, she wants to hash things out. She will be ready to have Carla over in the evening. Carla hangs up the phone bewildered, why is Maria ready to talk to her now she wonders. She walks into the bathroom, filling up the tub. As the water fills, Carla can think of nothing more than wanting to return to her past, to everything that ever existed between her and Liam.

Maria didn't even know what really possessed her to do it. But for weeks she felt uneasy. She needed to talk about it or it would eat her alive. So she picked up the phone and she dialed Carla's number. Each stroke, she thought of how many times he dialed it to, how many times did Liam call Carla when things were eating at him? Everyone keeps on saying she needs to let go, what happened between Liam and Carla. And sometimes she really feels she should forgive them. It wasn't really the past that bothered her so much lately, but it was looking at photo's of Liam and trying to decipher every smile, every gesture and realizing she would never fully understand the man she called her husband. The pain was in the fact that she couldn't know everything he did; Liam had a whole life outside of her, a life that existed long before she ever came into the picture. A life in which he harbored a long-standing desire for a woman he could never truly have. That was the Liam that Maria married, the only one she ever knew. Carla was his constant. And lately whenever Carla tried to apologize for everything, Maria found herself wondering what exactly _everything _was. It could very well destroy her but if she ever wanted to forgive Carla she needed to know everything about his husband and Carla Connor's relationship.


	8. Chapter 8

"You're Kara I presume?"

It was Sunday evening and Dr. Harrington had traveled into the to the country at the insistence of Tony. He had scribbled a cryptic message to her earlier just as she was leaving the corrections facility, and when she opened it in her car there was the instructions to drive to and address in the country and ask for a Mr. Lawrence. She arrived a quaint run down barn around 6:00 pm that evening and treaded through a field of matted grass and mud to reach the rundown looking structure.

"No the names Katherine, my friends call me Kate."

"Hmm," said the old man who greeted her at the front of the barn. "Good to know Katherine. So I guess you are looking for Frank?"

"I am looking for a Mr. Lawrence."

"No you are looking for a Mr. Frank Foster. He isn't here right now, but I guess I can take you to him. He lives not to far off from here in a nice country estate." The old man started walking towards his car. Kara has to run to keep up as he is making big strides.

"I don't understand?"

"You don't understand what Katherine?"

"Is he Mr. Lawrence or Mr. Foster?"

"The names Foster, but his friends call him Lawrence, Alexander Benjamin Lawrence."

"Cheeky aren't you?" said Dr. Harrington

"Hey I try my best. Now hop in and I'll take you right to him."

Dr. Harrington got into the old mans green rusted car and they clunked down the country road until they reached an old country estate about half an hour away from the run down barn. They pasted through steel gates manned by security and Dr. Harrington couldn't help be intrigued by this Mr. Lawrence, Mr. Foster or who ever he was. How did Tony know him? And how did he come by all this money?

"Here you are Miss." The old man stopped in front of the house, which was a Victorian style country home."

"I can just go up to the front door? Is any one going to greet me?"

"The servants will come and fetch you Miss Katherine."

"Well thank you for the ride Mr.?..."

"Mr. Crawford Miss."

"Thank you Mr. Crawford"

"No problem Miss it's my job."

Katherine made her way up the stars to the white door. The house keeper must have seen her approaching as she opened the door right away.

"You must be Katherine Harrington. Mr. Lawrence has been expecting you. This way please." The housekeeper led Dr. Harrington down the hall to big office and knocked on the door, she heard a powerful voice from behind the Mahoney doors.

"Come in"

Dr. Harrington observed a young man in his early thirties with dark brown hair and striking brown eyes. He was spinning a huge globe, a fixture Dr. Harrington noted seemed to be an obligatory item for all men to have in their home offices. He didn't look up at her but continued to spin the globe.

"Pick a country," he said.

"Portugal."

The globe came to a stop and finally the man looked up, "Ghana, not even the same continent."

"What was the purpose of that game?" Dr. Harrington inquired.

"To waste time what else? But you're not here to waste time are you? Gordon sent you. I finally get to see his latest obsession."

"I am not an obsession."

The young man smirked in disbelief like he had heard it all before.

Dr. Harrington was annoyed, "So why the two names?" she sniped.

The young man cocked his head motion her to sit down. He went to pour himself a brandy and pull out a cigar. Her annoyance seemed to amuse him.

"I suppose it makes me all the more mysterious. But never you mind. I have to give you those cassette tapes no don't I."

"I don't know what Tony sent me here for he was rather secretive."

"Hmm", said the young man sitting down across from her from behind his desk. He slunk back in the chair and clasped his hands together, "Don't you think it would be wise to get that sort of information before going on a little journey into the country side. Oh and look you got your nice heels all ruined in the grass field by the barn."

"Yes I did! What is it with that barn and that old gentleman Mr. Crawford? Why not just give an address to your home estate?"

"I told you I like the mystery. No actually I just find it amusing to mess with peoples minds and make them think they are apart of some covert operation. Very entertaining. But enough about me, we should get you those cassette tapes." He leaned forward opening his desk jour and pulled out a tiny box.

"What should I call you?"

"Frank Foster, Tony are told you about me under this name so you might as well continue using it."

"Ok Frank, what is on the Cassettes?"

"Well beautiful," said Frank leaning forward almost leering at her, "That is up to you to find out now isn't it?"

"You don't know do you?" Said Dr. Harrington

"Oh yes I do Kate," he paused and smirked, "I can call you Kate right?"

"No!" Snapped Dr. Harrington, "Only friends can call me that."

"Well Kate," said Frank completely ignoring her, "I feel bad that you have no idea what is on those cassettes. But let me tell you, you're in for the surprise of a lifetime. You think Tony Gordon is some misunderstood soul; perhaps these cassettes will make you think twice about your covert operation. You seem like a sensible woman, but that remains to be seen. Listen at your own risk." Frank slid the box across the table towards her.

"If he is so horrible why are you working with me to help him? Why are you helping me by giving me these cassettes as he requested.

"Simple really, it's not about winning the battle it's about winning the war. At the moment we have a common enemy. I am pretty sure you can gather whom this individual is that has us both in a bit of a tight spot. But that's no matter, regardless of my feelings I need Tony Gordon at the moment I, afterwards he can be the causality of my war."

"Oh you his," shot Dr. Harrington. She couldn't understand how Tony would send her to this man for help in taking down Carla and further she was even more concerned with what she would hear on the videotapes. Frank's eyes became animated at her retort and he looked pleasantly surprised at her guts to take him on. But then his eyes went deadly like a switch almost as bad as Tony's.

"I may will be," he whispered " But chances are it's most likely going to be you Doctor Harrington.

For the first time in a long time Dr. Harrington felt that uncompromising feeling that Frank Foster had managed to plant the seeds of doubt.

"If you were me, would you love you?"

Carla sat across from Maria that Sunday evening around 7:00pm. Between the two were steaming cups of coffee that did nothing to warm the frosty disposition between them. Maria was playing hardball; she didn't exchange any pleasantries she just got down straight to business.

"Why did you invite me here? Are we going to talk or are we going to fight Maria?"

Carla had assumed Maria was finally ready to put all her anger behind her, and that maybe she could be forgiven once and for all. But it wasted no time posing this harsh question Maria posed this harsh question towards her. Carla wanted to reach across the table and hold Maria's hand. She wanted to talk about little Liam and reassure Maria she would always be there for both of them. But it wasn't enough; it would never be enough for Maria so long as she went on hating Carla for the breakdown of her marriage. But what could she say as Maria's puffy red eyes glared at her from across the table. She deserved some of this anger; she deserved to carry some of this pain in her heart. But she needed hope to.

"Can you ever forgive me Maria?"

"That depends, can you answer the question?"

"Is that a question Maria? I was under the impression it was an observation."

"An accurate one at that. But I want to Carla, if you were in my position would you love you? I mean it seems like you expect me to forget the past ever happened. You don't seem to realize all the horrible things you've done."

Carla wondered what exactly she should be seeking forgiveness for. She wasn't sorry for loving Liam, and if Maria was expecting her to be, that would be asking for Carla to deny the happiest part of her existence. It was the only pure thing Carla had known and she would not rebuke it for anyone's sake.

"Maria I know you don't believe it now, but I am sorry for everything. I really am," Carla said. Her eyes were pleading with Maria to understand, to be warm at least. Maria sat for a while fiddling with her coffee cup composing her thoughts.

"What is everything?" Maria finally whispered at last. "I always wanted to know what everything was. I think I want you to tell me everything."

Carla wasn't going to do it. She wasn't going to let Maria torture herself and she wasn't going to give her access to the most intimate secrets of her heart.

"Maria there are some things which take place between two people, which is something only they will ever understand. It's like secrets buried deep in their heart, that only the other person could ever hope to unlock. I can't share these things with you."

"You unimaginable bitch," Maria whispered. Her blue eyes looked deadly as they scanned over Carla's body wishing for her to die. "This isn't about anything more then you just being selfish. You used to love to kiss and tell…"

"Maria I am trying to spare you, please try and understand."

"No what you are doing is just holding one more thing, one more memory about Liam that should be mine!"

"Maria please…"

"You know what I always knew you were full of yourself, but you actually think you have a monopoly over Liam's soul, like you have a right to pick and choose which memories to acknowledge. My marriage lost memories because of you! Because you couldn't just leave it alone, you couldn't just leave it alone the way Liam felt about you. He was married, he was trying to move on with his life and you just couldn't let him."

"Do you hear yourself Maria? You have always been so self-righteous. Liam wasn't a little boy he wasn't your property. He wasn't anyone's to steal away!"

"He was my husband Carla and you ran around Town in your home wrecking boats messing him about every chance you got. You just couldn't leave it alone, could you?"

"I couldn't leave it alone? " Said Carla she felt so angry. "What about him Maria? What about the things he couldn't leave alone. Did you ever ask him about it?"

"I didn't have the opportunity he was too busy screwing you, for me to ask any questions Carla!"

"WELL YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT IT!"

Maria now stood facing Carla square in the face, "Oh yeah typical Carla, I know nothing about it. So why don't you share with me then? "

"You are perverse Maria, you're crazy."

"Right Carla, change the subject. You know I think I finally get why you won't share all those little lovely moments you had with my husband. You see, you went around in your own little world thinking you and Liam where some epic little love story."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah you had him thinking all his life that you wanted him to be happy. But I know your games and I see you, I know what you are. You never really wanted Liam to be happy, all those times you spoke about letting him go it was all just a game. You knew he was infatuated by you and would never feel such a strong attraction to anyone else. In your mind, he was like your pet you had him on a leash."

"I don't have to listen to this." Carla started heading towards the door, but Maria blocks her passage.

"No Carla you're going to listen to it all. There may have been moments when you pretended to let him go, have him believe he was free. But it was only to fool yourself into thinking you were a self-sacrificing woman. You conditioned yourself and him into thinking you were both some grand love that could never be matched, that anyone else was just a folly. You couldn't stand that Liam met someone who loved every side of him, who made him happy. You had to reel him back in."

Carla stood shocked. If only Maria knew the truth about Liam, if only she knew he was just as in control if not more so than Carla ever was.

"_You had to reel him back in"_

Carla said nothing. She was certain she would never say another word to Maria ever again. Calm and deliberately she place her hand on Maria and moved her from blocking the doorway. She opened up the door and headed out into night sky, the road was all she saw, she decided she would walk away and never look back. She felt immense hatred forming inside of her.

I am over it. I am over all of. Carla didn't care about recovery anymore. She just wanted to find a good bar and get out of Coronation Street for good.


	9. Chapter 9

Carla went to the airport; she didn't even bother to pack her bags. Where she was going she didn't need anything from her life on Coronation Street. She was going home, back to her real home in Ireland. She booked the first flight out of Heathrow and collapsed into her window seat. She was cold and she hardly noticed her hands were shaking. She had run of tears and her body began to adopt other methods of displaying her grief. Carla was determined to never come back. She looked out her window into the dark sky, and felt nothing would ever reflect the darkness she had felt at that very moment. She listens to her own breathing, the sequences of which it accelerates and then falters and she thinks to herself,

_What do you want?_

Carla wants to be free

"_Carla look at me."_

_Liam's image flashes in front of Carla's eyes. His deep blue eyes are as riveting as ever, his lips parting and pursuing her with such purpose, and she can't look away. He holds out his hand and Carla can tell he is anxious, that he wonders whether she will take it. But it is like a habit for her, she was so used to taking his and Michelle's hands as children. It was second nature._

"_It's always been there, that weird thing that exists between us. You feel it to; I think you felt it before I did Carla. It's like you always knew, you always knew didn't you?"_

_Carla doesn't say anything, she is afraid that if she speaks, she will let herself be vulnerable she will pour out her soul._

"_You watched me with all those other girls, and you were patient because knew eventually I'd fine my way over to you. So here I am."_

"_You're too late , this is all too late," Carla whispers._

"_You don't believe that, you never have."_

"_Liam I love Paul. Paul is wonderful to me, he treats me well."_

"_Maybe there is a part of you that truly believes you could love Paul. Maybe there is a part of you that feels you can delude yourself into living a fantasy. It won't last."_

_Carla unable to stand any longer slumps onto a sitting chair, the one in which Liam had draped his coat and scarf. She loved the intimacy she felt being in the proximity of his things. She loved all the things he was saying, but in the back of her mind she felt unsure._

"_I want to believe in everything you are saying to me Liam. I want to believe every single word. And I don't doubt for a second that right now in this very moment you probably believe every thing you are telling me. But what about tomorrow and the day after that, say that we actually went away together, then what?"_

"_Then we'd live, we'd figure things out. We'd take it one day at a time."_

_This was the answer Carla feared. It was a future open to possibility, an offering that didn't have much to offer in the way of certainty. Paul was offering her his absolute love, something that was tangible. She couldn't afford to take a chance at something outside her comfort._

_Liam was bending at her knees, he clasped her hands in his and she felt the immediate surge of energy. _

"_I know you're afraid. I hurt you before I get that. But it won't be like that this time. I can't let you slip away Carla."_

"_Liam you need to stop this. This conversation never happened, this night never happened." Carla needed to get away from his grasp; she needed to be free of his spell. _

_He read her mind_

"_I know you felt it Carla, when we kissed, I know you feel it right now…"_

_Carla yanked her hand from his_

"_It doesn't change anything Liam! No matter how I feel or not we're not safe together."_

"_Carla your never going to be safe, safe isn't what we are isn't what we've ever been."_

_Carla tried to break free from under him, but he held her in the chair blocking her passage to freedom. All the thoughts that were going through her head, he knew her, knew what she was afraid of, he knew all the right things to say. She would always love him. His voice was now grave, and he as he spoke he said each word with such vulnerability Carla had never witnessed before._

"_I did the most dangerous thing coming her tonight telling you that I loved you. But it had to be done Carla. If I could bring myself here tonight and get through my fear for you, you can get through your fear for me. We are never going to be safe, so are you brave enough or aren't you?"_

_He didn't wait for her answer, he leaned in to kiss her once more and Carla was powerless to stop it._

The plane landed and Carla went through the gates and went straight to hail a taxi.

"Where to miss?" The cab driver asked as Carla shuffled in. Carla got a glimpse of herself in his rearview mirror she looked an absolute mess. She probably should be going to book a hotel right now and getting a proper meal in her stomach. But there was something she needed to do.

"Take me to the closets floral shop around here. And then afterwards St. Christopher's Catholic Cemetery."

"Right away miss."

Carla was going to visit Paul.

It was Monday evening and Dr. Harrington had just sent her secretary home. She was going to be staying late at the office and didn't want to be disturbed. She hauled out her cassette player, which she used routinely in consultation with her patients and placed it on her desk. Then she opened her desk and pulled out the box that had been given to her by Frank Foster the previous evening. She opened it find various cassettes with different dates on them.

"I guess it makes sense to start with whatever is in the front," Dr. Harrington said aloud talking to herself. Slowly she removed the tape from its package and slipped it into her player, pressing the play button. She waited for a moment as she listened to the familiar static sound. Dr. Harrington examined the case, which was labeled May 2008. She waited and then she heard it, the sound of Carla Connor's voice.

"_This is Carla Connor, the date is January 12, 2009. The time is 3:00 pm. I have to start taking note of the strange things Tony has been doing since we got back from our honeymoon. He has been acting distance, staying out late. I saw him get out of a car a couple nights ago in a dark ally way. He seemed distraught, I have been trying to talk to him about looking into Liam's death, he said we would hire a private investigator, but now he just gets angry every time I try to bring it up. But he won't let me look into things myself, I want to know why?"_

Dr. Harrington sat in silence processing the information from the recording. Carla continued,

"_The last few nights Tony has woken me up at 4 or 5 am in the morning and he has been giving me water and some kind of medication. I have not taken it; it makes no sense to me. I took the capsules to the local pharmacy and they told me it was sleeping pills. Why would someone wake me up at 5 o clock in the morning and give me sleeping pills when I am already sleeping?" I am starting to get paranoid, but I remember his first wife died, I wonder what he is playing at."_

"Oh Carla," Dr. Harrington whispered, "You and I both ."


	10. Chapter 10

"Strange isn't it?"

Michelle and Maria stood huddled on Coronation Street sharing a cigarette.

"What is?" Maria said.

"I haven't seen Carla in days. And Sally keeps on bugging me with issues happening at the factory. I have tried calling Carla and everything, and I've tried going over there to her place and knocking. No one will answer I am ready to call the police."

Maria looked down at the cobblestones; she really didn't care about Carla at the moment.

"It's just a cry for attention. Carla probably went away to a day spa or something and didn't bother to tell anyone. She probably wants you to call the police and to be perfectly honest it is immature what she is doing abandoning the company like that."

Michelle gave Maria an exasperated look.

"Oh Maria come off it. You and Carla need to make up already."

"Stop telling me that Michelle. Frankly I don't have to make up with anyone if I don't want to. I don't understand how you can defend Carla after everything she did, after everything she knew about Tony and his involvement in Liam's death. You spit on his memory making concessions for her!"

"Maria don't you even dare make a scene. Don't even try and lecture me about Liam's memory. You don't know all the things I had to forgive of both my brothers. You don't know all the things that Liam did to me, and how I forgave him for every single one of those things. Carla is my family Maria, we grew up together and I will always have her back. Maybe you don't care about her, but I do."

Michelle took one last suck of the cigarette and threw it to the ground. She cross the street without saying goodbye to Maria, she wanted to go try Carla's flat again. As she approached she saw an old man looking into Carla's windows.

"Can I help you sir?"

"The old man looked at her with stoic grey eyes.

"Uh no Miss. I was just walking around the neighborhood, enjoying the fixtures. Nice flat isn't it? Do you own it?"

"It's my sister in laws actually. I was just stopping by to check in on her. I don't know how she would feel about a stranger lurking around her place."

"Meant no harm by it lady."

Michelle's eyes fell upon a bundle of old newspapers he was holding his hands. He was trying to shove them away from her view.

"Are those Carla's newspapers?"

"Wouldn't know who that is miss."

"She's my sister in law. Are those her paper deliveries you are holding?"

"Just trying to clean up the neighborhood miss. It's my job and you are distracting me."

Michelle just noticed his uniform. He looked like a city worker, but she thought he should be retired by now. Perhaps she was just being paranoid. Maybe she should come back when he was done; she felt a little dumb asking him all these questions.

"Sorry Mr. but what is your name?"

"The name is Crawford ma'am."

"Sorry Mr. Crawford. It's just that I haven't seen my sister in law Carla Connor in days. I am starting to get worried. But since you are a city worker and probably work a lot of shifts, I was wondering have you seen any activity in this flat over the last few days."

"Miss, it's my first time in this area. I haven't really seen anything. But if I do, I'd be happy to tell you."

"Would you? Thanks a bunch. I wasn't really sure if I should just call the police or if I was overreacting."

"Maybe you are just overreacting miss. I have had my fair share of issues with my own kids. They're around your age but when they were younger, they used to disappear for days, weeks even, just partying and hopping around town trying to do something. Believe me my one daughter used to be all trouble. Experience has shown me that if someone doesn't want to be found, they won't be. I am sure your sister in law will come back in time. Don't sweat it."

"Well thank you Mr. Crawford, you are the most positive person I have met all week long. Be sure to tell me if you see anything. I live around at number 18 Coronation Street, so just come and knock or leave a note."

"No problem."

Michelle turned away from Carla's flat feeling more at ease. Maybe the old man was right, maybe Carla just wanted time. Still it would have been nice if she had told Sally and the other factory girls where she was going.

The old man watched as the Michelle turned the corner and checking to make sure no one was watching knelt down by the door of Carla's flat. In a small crack near the steps he squeezed around with hands until he felt a small cold thing.

Genius, he thought this day was going perfectly. Once his hand emerged from the crack he was holding a key, the key into Carla Connor's flat. It was exactly where Frank said it would be.

"Calm down Gordon, this is good news I don't understand you."

Tony sat in an interview room it was Tuesday afternoon and he was meeting with his lawyers. His parole hearing would be coming up soon, and he had to make sure everything was perfect. But everything was not perfect at the moment. The old man Crawford had been spying on Carla's house ever since he could remember. And had reported to Frank Foster that she hadn't been seen since Sunday evening. He was pissed and had called Kate to come visit him in the prison, the following Monday morning. Her plan would have to be put on hold. How could she screw with Carla's mind when Carla wasn't even around? Tony was only concerned with this setback at the moment.

"Don't you see Tony, if she doesn't show up at the parole hearing it's a good thing. You know how diligent she has been with telling the judge you need to be locked away forever, but if she doesn't show you will likely be released on parole. You have been the model prisoner, you have rehabilitated and you have expressed great remorse for your crimes," said his lawyer Mr. Cabot.

"There is the issue of Michelle," responded Tony. "What if she shows?"

"Michelle Connor hasn't showed for a parole hearing in years," said Frank Foster. He had his usual permanent smirk etched across his face.

Tony was annoyed that he even had to be here today, but Frank insisted talking face to face and frankly Tony couldn't stand him. He was glad his lawyers were there to act as a buffer zone between them. There was very little stopping him from reaching over the table and beating Frank Foster's ass.

"That's true," added Tony's other Lawyer Ms. Lawson. "Her not showing up for parole will broaden your chances. You are sure to be free in no time."

"Well that's what I'm paying you for aren't I? I better be free this time tomorrow, or I will have to consider some better lawyers. What am I spending my money on anyways?"

"Gordon, Gordon settle down my man," said Frank. "Ross don't mind him he is just being ungrateful. You and Phillip both have done an outstanding job at defending him."

Ms. Lawson beamed at Frank.

"I think we'd better call it a day shouldn't we Ross. We have gone over everything we can with Mr. Gordon for the day. All that remains is looking over some files and making sure everything is in it's right place. It would be no use for us to stay," added Mr. Cabot. He got out of his chair and went to pull out Ms. Lawson's chair.

Frank rose from his chair, "Shall I walk you both out?"

"No were fine," said Mr. Cabot. "You're not coming Mr. Foster?"

"Not at the moment. I have some business to discuss with Gordon. Don't worry it is nothing for you two to get worried about." Frank smiled and waved them out.

Tony thought of just how charismatic Frank was. He was almost as good as Tony himself. Once they were alone, Frank turned off the friendly switch.

"To business Gordon."

"You gave her the tapes then?"

"Yes, but not all of them. Frankly Gordon I think it is a stupid move. The woman is a loon, to think she calls herself a doctor."

"Never you mind. Just tell me, do you think I made a good choice with her? Do you think she could finish the job?"

"Well it depends, what exactly is the job Gordon. Outside of the vague instructions to destroy Carla Connor, what exactly is the plan?"

"All you have to worry about is your part Foster."

"And I've done my part. Crawford got her to my place and I gave her the tapes. Crawford even contacted me just before meeting you here, he found Carla's key. He is taking it to make copies as we speak. I have been contacting my friends in high places for months screwing with the databases for you, making sure Carla never gets her notices from the court about your parole. If any part of this plan fails it is on you and the doctor. You're the ones who couldn't even screw with her properly."

"We were doing just fine."

"Really? Well if that doctor had any sense she would have tried to build up Carla's trust before she started spewing all that crap. Subtlety is key."

"What would you know about it?" said Tony, and then it hit him. "You've been bugging her office haven't you?"

"Slow on the uptake Gordon. I have been for months now actually. As I said the Doctor is a Loon. She is absolutely horrid, you should find someone else, she should have built up Carla's trust."

"I have complete faith in Kate."

"Well then that makes you a fool. She is insane. But fine don't listen to me, but if any of this blows up in your face, the doctor won't be able to testify on your behalf without first hand accounts from Carla herself about malpractice. How will that hold up in court?"

"Maybe I won't let it get to that point."

"Really Gordon? Getting away with murder, once or twice maybe I can understand, but three times? The courts won't let you slide under the radar."

"That's only the ones they know about," Tony gloated.

Frank raised his eyebrows in skepticism, "Ah yes the tough guy act. Really rich, I could care less about the body count to tell you the truth; the point is you won't get away with it forever. And there is so much more you have to consider like the hidden shares invested in Underworld and your off shore accounts. This isn't completely about Carla you know, you have to use your head if you want to get revenge."

"I am using my head Foster, I just don't share all my plans."

"Clearly," Frank now rose from the table getting ready to call the meeting to a close. " I got to go, I have to get back to country side. But I just want to know, what were you thinking giving her those cassettes? They aren't exactly endearing to your cause."

"I've spent to much time telling her of Carla's delusions, I thought perhaps she should hear it all for herself. Plus they make for excellent material for all the therapy sessions."

"Hmmm," said Frank. "But they aren't delusions are they?"

" She doesn't know that. Now I got a question for you? Why didn't you give her all the tapes?"

Frank looked Tony dead in the eyes; "You don't really want her to hear all the tapes now do you? Imagine not just Carla, but Liam, and Maria all voicing the same suspicions. I mean she may be a loon, but even Dr. Harrington would figure it out. What are the chances that all these people just happen to have the same doubts about you, no one could ignore that."

"I wasn't talking about those ones, I meant all the tapes in that specific box. Which ones did you remove?"

"Which ones do you think? Do you really want Kate to find out everything there is to know about Louise? Remember what happened when Carla found out? We can't risk it Tony, don't push your luck lighting never strikes the same place twice. We don't need anything about Louise coming to the for front."

Frank walks towards the door and leaves. Crawford is calling again.

Tony sits at the table alone for a moment before the jailor comes to collect him. In good time everything gets out no matter how hard you try to hide it. It happened with Carla and Liam, it happened with Louise. No one could keep a secret from him for long, and he was at a point where he couldn't afford to keep all his secrets either.


	11. Chapter 11

_Dear Michelle,_

_I am sorry about the past few days. I know you have been trying to get a hold of me and I know that you have been worrying. But I just needed to get away, you need not worry about Sally nagging you about underworld issues, I will deal with it and her when the time comes. For now there is something I need to do._

_For the last couple of months I have really been thinking about my road to recovery. I mean I made all the right stops. I started attending my AA meetings and got a great sponsor in Peter Barlow. I even made a conscious effort to attend all my sessions with Dr. Harrington, but I've started to wonder if my heart was really in it. The sessions had made me more anxious and on edge, and I feel like I a constantly fighting an up hill battle._

_Someone asked me a question the other day that really got me thinking. They wanted to know if I could love me, if I was in their shoes. It was hard to hear, too hard actually. I had to leave town. But I've been thinking about it, am I worthy of love? I don't think that I am Michelle. I have done some horrible things, I came from a horrible place and everywhere I go, that human stain of inferiority follows me._

_I finally realized why I've been messing up so much and going off the deep end or at least I think I have. I haven't forgiven myself for what happened to Liam and Paul and I haven't quite approached the concept of recovery the way I should have been. Recovery is about more than some therapy sessions and a couple of AA meetings a week. Those are all a waste of time, if one does not confront what's at the core. I've decided I need to search out that core; I need to make peace with myself, with all I've done. I need to make my wrongs right, I need to be a peace._

_I don't know how long it will take but I have to make a try for it, I have to step outside that cage of safety I've built around myself. I need to recover the girl I once was, I need to find I woman I could have been, and I need to reconcile myself to the fact that I am what I am. I need to accept who I am today. So that the next time that person asks me if I could love myself after all the horrible things I've done, I can say yes and actually believe it._

_Love you sis and send little Liam my love too,_

_Carla_

Carla had been in Dublin for a week already when she finally decided to write to Michelle. She walked to the corner post office at noon and mailed out the letter on Friday. She made sure that the post wouldn't get a return address; she didn't want Michelle to come down to Dublin, or enlist Ryan to drag her home. She then walked to a cute little coffee shop in the downtown area and looked at her watch. She was waiting for Liam, Paul, and Michelle's cousin Tom. He had been ecstatic when she called saying that he had been meaning to come visit her for weeks on Coronation Street. He had always had a bit of a crush on her, and babbled how Barry and Helen had gone on vacation to Nice with his parents Serena and Mark for three weeks. He would be house sitting for both his parents and Aunt and Uncle until they returned. This was perfect for Carla, she had had a couple of days to calm down and clear her head and decided she needed to ask Tom a favor.

"Carla darling!"

Carla spun around at the familiar sound of Tom's voice and rushed into his open arms.

"Tommy!"

Tom hugged Carla tight and kissed her cheek. She instantly felt a pinch of guilt. She remembered how jealous Liam had always been when Carla showed any sign of affection towards Tom, even when they were children. Quickly she released herself.

"Shall we?" Carla motioned at the table. She was blushing with embarrassment. Tom was gloating.

"We shall. What are you having? I'm thinking a croissant or a Danish. I've got me a sweet tooth these days."

Carla rolled her eyes, "Your such a weirdo Tom, I swear sometimes I wonder about you."

"I can't help it. I was raised in a house of love after all. My mum was actually a bit sane unlike auntie Helen. All of us turned out carefree in Serena's home. Sorry I am not all hot and bothered like Paul and Liam love."

"Yeah, yeah. I think I'll just get a coffee."

"Okay," said Tom signaling for the barrister. Sometimes his mannerisms reminded her of Paul. "So what brings you back into town? I take it your not here for a little get away vacation. Why'd you want to see me?"

"Well I wanted to know if you could let me into Helen and Barry's house. I mean you have a key and everything and I really just wanted to know if I could take a look at some of Paul's stuff. I've been missing him you see."

Tom squinted his blue eyes trying to shield out the reflection of the outside sun. He was in deep thought.

"I don't know Carla. Auntie Helen may not like that."

"Well Auntie Helen doesn't need to know," Carla turned on her seductive voice. She was willing to do whatever it took to get into that house. She would flirt her way into Tom's heart if she had to. "We can keep me being here a secret, you love secrets Tom."

"Okay, okay you got me but just this once. And you can't take anything, or mess anything about. Auntie is very particular about her things."

"Yes of course. Can we go over there today?"

"Sure, why not. I have to water the plants today anyways."

"Oh I love you Tom!" Carla squealed.

"Don't you forget it." Tom winked at Carla. "Shall we go?"

The drive to the Connor's home wasn't too long. Carla and Tom arrived within minutes of leaving the coffee shop. Tom handed Carla the house key once he stopped his car.

"Now be careful with this."

"I'll guard it with my life," Carla said. Luckily Tom didn't need anymore convincing and went off to water the plants.

Carla approached the front of the house with great anticipation. She felt productive like she was doing something to better her mind. She remembered it like it was yesterday, she was twelve years old and she had made a new friend in Michelle. Michelle insisted she come home with her, Carla hadn't eaten that day at school her mother didn't pack her any lunch and she didn't have money for food. Michelle had been Carla's first and only friend at school since she and her family moved back to Dublin. She had shared some crackers and a banana with Carla. After school Michelle had insisted that Carla come home with her, Carla had tried to make excuses, but Michelle would have none of it. She wanted to show off her new friend to the family. Carla was nervous that day when she approached the house in her worn out clothing and tattered shoes. She had never seen a home so beautiful before. They had a welcome mat that said Home sweet home. The mat was still there Carla could see. She raised the house key and slid it into the lock. Nothing had changed; it was like the house was locked in time.

To the side of Carla was the living room, and the same pictures still stood on the fireplace mantle. There was toddler Paul with baby Liam. Another picture showed Liam and Michelle when Michelle was a baby, and a third showed all three children as young kids around 7,9, and 11 making funny faces for the camera. They were in their swimsuits and out by the lake located at the back of the property. Carla picked it up and smiled. Liam looked adorable as always. She went into the kitchen and saw the engravings that Mrs. Connor had diligently done for each of her children recording their heights as they aged. Carla caressed it, this place felt like a true home. A home she had always wanted to be apart of so badly.

But when she came around that day when she was 12, she was scared. She had never been to a home so nice and clean before. She was just grateful Michelle was not being mean to her, like most of the other children at school. When they entered the front door, Carla waited nervously at the foot of the stairs. Michelle had told her to stay put while she ran into the kitchen to tell her mother she had bought a friend over to play. Carla could hear Mrs. Connor scolding Michelle for just bringing strangers over when she knew the rules. Carla stood as still as a board not wanting to touch or disturb anything, much less dirty it up with whatever it was she may have brought from her mothers home.

Then she saw him, the most beautiful boy she had ever seen staring at her from the top of the stairs. His deep blue eyes were curious almost gentle. Carla felt embarrassed by her dirty yellow dress, she regretted not washing it the night before, but she had never really cared about her appearance until this moment. He continued to stare and Carla felt her cheeks flush. The hairs on the back of her neck stood up.

She can still hear the echoing of childhood voices…

"_What are you looking at Liam?" says Michelle reappearing from the kitchen beside Carla; she is glaring at her brother._

"_Nothing, god Shelle you are so annoying. You're not allowed to bring friends home on school days."_

"_Well mummy said I could. Besides she is here already and mummy can't just send her home."_

"_Does she even have a home?" said a taller boy appearing on the head of the stairs as well. He had lighter brown hair but the same blue yes as the gorgeous boy._

"_Shut up Paul!" exclaimed Michelle. "She has a name, and her name is Carla."_

_Paul ignored his sister, pushing his younger brother out of the way, and heading downstairs towards the kitchen. "Mum Shelle told me to shut up."_

"_Michelle!" bellowed a shrill voice from the kitchen. "Come here this instance. Oh and Paul where's your brother, you two have football practice at 5:00."_

_The gorgeous boy with dark black hair took that as his queue and shuffled down the stairs. He stopped in front of Carla, "Don't mind my brother Paul he doesn't have much manners. He can be a right idiot. Anyways my name is Liam, I'm Michelle's older brother."_

_Carla felt tongue tied as his blue eyes stared intensely into hers._

"_C-Carla", she swallowed her throat. "Carla, my name is Carla," she stammered._

"_Carla," his lips formed the syllables of her name making it sound extraordinary. "Nice meeting you Carla," and then he turned to his sister oblivious to Carla's nervousness. "You should have more manners and introduce your friends Shell." He headed towards the kitchen to join his brother and mother…_

She stood at the base of the stairs almost hoping, maybe even expecting the 13 year old Liam Connor to be waiting for her at the base of the stairs.

Don't be foolish she thought. Couldn't she go one moment without Liam entering her mind, and making her long for him again? She wondered who she had come here for, she had told Tom it was for Paul. That was the truth; she wanted to look through some of his things. When she had gone to his graveside at the beginning of the week, she had had the deep revelation about recovery should be. She had decided to confront her wrongs, and try to make peace with herself. But she wasn't off to a good start, because she hadn't truly been honest coming here, she hadn't done what was necessary to make peace with Paul, she hadn't admitted her love for Liam to him once and for all. She came into this house and the first person she wanted was Liam. Wasn't there something seriously wrong when all she is drawn to in this house has to do with his husband's brother, and not her husband himself? Was there any use in going through Paul's old stuff? What was she hoping to rekindle? Carla didn't know anymore, and she felt frustrated. Damn Liam, couldn't he leave her alone, couldn't he let her love Paul the way he deserved to be? He wouldn't not until she stopped lying about whom it was she loved more. Slowly Carla begins to climb the stairs to Paul's room. It was time to confess the truth.


	12. Chapter 12

"I thought you'd be back."

Dr. Harrington stood in Frank Fosters den. She had travelled a longs way after being turned away from the correctional center. The guards had told her that Tony was refusing all visitors at the moment. Without his guidance she felt lost and out of touch with her task. She needed someone to talk to, she had been disturbed by what she was hearing on the cassette tapes.

"You got here yourself I presume. You must have Crawford is dealing with some business in town. What's is wrong?"

Dr. Harrington sat in a nearby sitting chair while Frank poured himself a brandy and lit himself a cigar. He smoked for a time in a methodic fashion, his eyes fixed deeply on hers. He was trying to read her mind.

"Tony doesn't want to see me. He blames me for letting Carla get away. He wrote me a horrible letter calling me a piss poor therapist. He thought I should have kept a better eye on her."

Frank sat down across from Dr. Harrington with a smug look on his face. He took a swig of brandy and then in haled his cigar once more.

"Is he wrong?"

"Yes! How can I be blamed for Carla running away to God knows where? I only did what I was told to do. He told me to drive Carla insane. He is afraid of being implicated in the murder of Liam Connor and wants to discredit Carla's testimony. He has been pushing his lawyers for a mistrial. Now that Carla has gone away he has nothing to work with, and I will be blamed even though I am perfectly innocent."

"You, innocent? I hardly think that would be a word to describe you. Any woman in love with the likes of Tony Gordon could hardly be called innocent. Especially when you know full well the extent of his crimes."

" I know nothing of the sort Mr. Foster, and you judging me for wanting to help the man I love is out of order. You know nothing of the sort."

"I know nothing of the sort," Frank broke out into a fit of laughter. Then just as abruptly he stopped and said in a dangerous voice, " I know stuff about Tony Gordon that could make your skin crawl."

"If you hate him so much why are you helping us?"

"I have my own interests and reasons that don't concern you."

"That's not fair. You are judging me for helping Tony when you are doing the same."

"Yes but I'm an equal match for Tony, you are not. I thought maybe you'd figure it out. Haven't you listened to the cassettes?"

"Not all of them, not yet."

Frank sighed and looked to be in deep thought for a moment before he got up from his chair and made his way over to his desk he pulled out the desk jour.

Dr. Harrington was getting irritated. She had come to his place only because she had no other person to turn to. Frank was being anything but helpful. He was only lecturing her on the dangers of Tony.

"You know what the ancients used to say about love?" Frank glimpsed up from his jour for a brief second holding Dr. Harrington in his cross hairs.

"No I don't. I didn't study in history in my time at school."

"You've done yourself a great disservice then. History is the key to understanding almost everything there is worth understanding. It could teach you a lot more about the human psyche than a psychiatry degree ever could."

"Your opinion."

"The ancient Roman's used to say that love was a sickness. It was only for those who were crazy and it effects could only be explained by some form of sorcery, shaman, or druid priestess. You're a prime example of why I think they could be right. What else could explain your constant denial of the evil man that exists in front of you? You choose to see only what you want to see."

"It's odd that the Romans would think that. I wonder how they would feel today knowing that the word romance means essentially to love as the romans loved."

"So you did study some history."

"Get to the point what's in the box you're holding?"

"More tapes, what else."

"What's on these tapes that aren't already on the other tapes? What more delusions could Carla possibly have to share with anyone that wouldn't suffice on the ones I already have now?"

"Who said anything about these being Carla's tapes?"

"Well whose tapes are they then?"

"Has Tony ever told you about his first wife Louise?"

Dr. Harrington was silent. Tony had never told her he had married to anyone besides Carla. This was news to her. She felt so betrayed. Tony had always told her everything; he said he had bared all his secrets to her that she was the only one he trusted.

"What does she have to do with anything?"

Frank leered at her from the desk. He looked amused as he pulled out his own cassette player identical to the one she had in her own office.

"Sit down over here and you'll find out."

Maria was rushing as she headed out of her flat with Liam one Monday morning. Marcus and Sean where waiting with their own little boy Dylan, Marcus was going to drop Liam off at school for the day, Maria had to get going to Audrey's and was already running late. Liam can barely hold still as Maria kissed his cheek and stampered over to Dylan.

"Thanks a bunch Marcus I owe you big time."

"It's no problem Maria," Marcus winked at Maria and grabbed hold of Dylan's hand. "Now Dylan we have to create a safety network so you grab onto Liam's hand and we will all walk to nursery together. How does that sound?"

Dylan laughed gleefully at Marcus and grabbed his hand. He used his other hand to motion Liam over.

"Come on Liam, Marcus says we got to hold hands."

Liam looked up at his mother with his crystal blue eyes. He was unsure of what to do.

"It's ok Liam you hold Dylan's hand and go onto school," Maria smiled at her darling boy.

He immediately jumped into step with Marcus and Dylan grinning as well.

Maria and Sean waved them off down the street.

"Ahh kids," sighed Sean. "Who needs them?"

"Hey! I love my sweet Liam. He is an absolute angel."

"I knew you would say that. Liam is an angel, but Dylan, well Dylan wrote all over Eileen Grimshaw's walls last night in permanent marker. Eileen freaked and left in a huff this morning for the factory. Now I'm going to have to pay god knows how much to paint over it."

"Discipline Dylan better Sean."

The two headed in the direction of the factory.

"Speaking of factories, where the hell has Carla been? I'd never thought I'd say this but I seriously miss her, Sally has been a right old hag."

Maria laughed, they were now approaching the factory and Maria could see a whole crowd gathered outside. Sally stood in front of them. It looked like she was trying to diffuse a situation.

"WHERE ARE OUR WAGES?" shouted Fiz from the crowd.

"I don't know I've been trying to get hold of Carla for a week now. I've had no luck."

"WELL THEN WE JUST AREN'T GOING TO FINISH OUR ORDERS, AM I RIGHT LADIES?" Said Eileen now pushing her way to the front of the crowd to stand in front of Sally.

"Hear, hear," said Julie in a shrill voice. "You tell her cousin!"

Maria stood horrified. This was all just awful what was happening. She was beginning to feel guilty for rowing with Carla like she had. Sure she expected Carla to be hurt and angry, but to runaway and bail on the factory was an all time low. But how could she be surprised, Carla bailed on the factory once before, when she found out her ex husband Tony had hired a hit man to kill Liam. Carla was selfish and she just ran away expecting everyone else to pick up the pieces. This time it just happened to be Sally who was left with the unfortunate task.

"It's not my fault!" Sally protested. "All of this is Carla's fault, she's the one who left us here to fend for ourselves. She is the one who left us to figure out wages. I need to get paid to, I got two grown kids in the house eating all the food."

"Kick Rosie and Sian out then! Some of us got newborn babies to feed " retorted Fez.

"Yeah new born babies with a kidnapper and murderer no doubt shut your pie hole you pig."

Fiz was now pushing her way through the rowdy crowd toward Sally getting ready to deck her.

"Maybe I should intervene," said Sean. But Maria grabbed hold of his arm to stop him from stepping forward.

"No, you don't need a black eye. You got Dylan to think about. Someone better ring the police or something."

Fez tried slapping Sally, but Sally swerved out of the way letting Fiz's fist meet the metal door behind her.

"Holy mother of…"

"That's what you get Fiz," said Sally looking around triumph. " This is all Carla's fault. I repeat this is all Carla Connor's fault, this is not the fault of I, Sally Webster."

Just then Michelle came storming through the crowd from across the street rounding on Sally.

"You shut your mouth about Carla, you hear."

"Sorry Michelle but Carla has been unreliable, she abandoned ship, now I find I've misplaced my key this morning. We have no way of getting into the factory, so the girls are without wages or a place to work. Carla hasn't returned a single message, she could be dead for all I know."

"Well she isn't!" shouted Michelle, she retrieved a letter from her purse and waved it frantically in front of Sally's face. "You see this, you this Sally?"

"Yeah I see it. It's a piece of paper and you better get it out of my face before I deck you. I can actually throw a bunch unlike some people," Sally shot a defiant glance at Fez who was nursing her swollen knuckles.

"This is a letter from Carla. I received it this morning. Just read it she's ok, so you can shut your mouth about my sister."

"Sister in law," simpered Sally. "That's good and all but still that doesn't solved the issue of how the girls and I will be able to get into the factory, nor who will pay the past weeks wages. Unless the letter offers some detail, mind of I have a look?"

"Yeah I mind, I'm not letting you near this letter with a ten foot pool. I don't need you sharing secrets at the rovers by lunch time, if even then."

"Then I'll be calling the police on you for withholding evidence or aiding in the hiding of a fugitive boss who has just slagged off a whole bunch of employees and customers. You can sit in a cell and think it all over Michelle. She how you feel about withholding important information in the future."

Maria felt uneasy and was getting ready to make her way over to Michelle before things escalated even more. She'd have no problem telling Audrey why she was late, she was sure to understand. But then a loud voice over the crowd stopped her.

"That won't be necessary ladies."

Maria, Sean, and the whole rest of the crowd turned around to see who had spoken. In front of them stood a tall man with dark brown hair sleeked back. He was dressed in a suit of the most impeccable fashion, and was sporting a pair of Prada sunglasses. Everyone was intrigued and then Eileen broke the silence.

"And just who the frick are you, pray tell?"

The man stepped forward brushing through the crown with ease, Maria felt the heat of his body as he moved past her and she had a feeling she couldn't explain. Finally he reached the front of the stairs and stood next to Michelle and Sally. Slowly he removed his sunglasses to reveal dark brown intriguing eyes. His eyes moved over the crowd slowly and a smiled formed across his lips.

"My name is Mr. Alexander Benjamin Lawrence. Carla Connor contacted me, I am part shareholder in Underworld and therefore I am part boss and owner ladies."

Sally stood gapping dumbfounded. She looked almost crescent fallen her reign of terror had come to an end. Michelle too, stood with her mouth opened as well but Maria found her expression unreadable. Finally Sally mustered up the courage to speak, and said in a the fakest most sugary sweet voice she could manage, "Sir, oh pardon me Mr. Lawrence, but we haven't any key."

The man leered at Sally and said in an equally fake sugary sweet voice, "Forgive me, I have a key right here." From his pocket he pulled out a key and turned to unlock the factory door. "Now shall we get to work ladies?"

Maria still stood in a daze trying to process the unfolding events, the crowd on either side of her shuffled to the factory steps. The uprising had been short lived. Michelle came to join Maria and Sean.

"What are the odds of that?" She commented.

"Just another day in Coronation Street if you ask me," said Sean. "But I won't complain I'll get my wages finally, and he isn't too bad on the eyes."

Silently Maria agreed with him. That Mr. Lawrence guy had attractive features. He looked tall dark and handsome. Maria was drawn to his mysteriousness. Sean squeezed her arm affectionately and made his way towards the factory with the other employees. He rushed over to Fiz to see how her knuckles were doing. Soon it was only Michelle and Maria left in the front of the building.

"Strange," said Michelle.

"What is?"

"Carla never mentioned a Mr. Lawrence before nor did say anyone else had any shares in Underworld and she never mentioned him in any letter."

Maria couldn't help herself, but the mere mention of Carla made her blood boil. She could not resist and looked at Michelle pointedly.

"When has Carla ever been known to tell anyone everything? You know she is selfish, that's the sort of game she plays. Who knows maybe the factory is better for it now that Mr. Lawrence is here. He looks like a reliable young man."

Michelle glared a Maria and shoved the letter back into her purse.

"Yeah and so did Tony Gordon, you remember what happened with him Maria?"

Maria was already turned away heading towards Audrey's Salon. Nothing Michelle said would ever change her mind about Carla.


	13. Chapter 13

Carla stands in the doorway of Paul's old bedroom. Helen has kept everything the exact way he left it, like a shrine. His bed is still covered in the brown quilt his nana made for him as a child and Helen has laying out his baby blanket at the foot of the bed. Carla walks over to the bed and props herself down, thinking what she should do, whether she should talk to him. Abruptly she gets up and walks over to his desk, there is a gray sweater draped over it. Carla remembers giving him this sweater when they first became an official couple. She looked down at the sleeve, and smiled when she saw the golden heart pendant she had sewn onto the sleeve. She remembered when he first opened it, Paul noticed the pendant immediately and asked it's significance, she had told him she put the pendant there so that he would always have her heart on his sleeve. That was one of here favorite memories with Paul.

Instinctively she picked up the sweater and sniffed it. It was remarkable how after all this time it still managed to hold his scent, and Carla welcomed it. She engulfed herself in Paul's memory as she hugged his sweater.

"You know I loved you right?" Carla said to Paul as much as she said it for herself. She needed him to know that, she never got the chance to say it before he died. "Always have, always will."

There was that confliction once more, that guilt she felt whenever she said she loved one brother without acknowledging the other. But she needed to make peace; she needed Paul's forgiveness. She could not honestly say she was sorry for loving Liam, Liam was her soul mate, but one doesn't always end up with their soul mate. Sometimes you end up with someone else, and Carla also couldn't say she was sorry for loving Paul. They had built a great life together, how could she forsake everything they were just because Liam consumed her?

"We had a happy marriage didn't we?" Carla talked to air. She had to admit she felt a little silly even crazy, she hoped Tom wouldn't walk in on her like this. She sat down in the chair at Paul's desk caressing his pictures, there were many of the two of them together, and the cute kitten he got her in university. "Sugars," Carla cooed looking at the picture of the kitten fondly. She grabbed the frame off the book it was resting on and the book came tumbling down into her lap.

Slowly she opened it realizing it was Paul's journal. On the backside of the cover Paul's name had been written in by his aunt Serena.

_To my darling nephew Paulie pooh bear auntie Serena loves you and wishes you a happy birthday. _

_P.S. you have always been my favorite nephew don't tell Liam_

Carla couldn't help but laugh. Serena did the same message for everyone of her nieces and nephew's gifts. Carla skimmed through the pages looking at various doodles and she pulled out a picture that had been sticking out. It was a beautiful picture that Carla had seen before in Michelle's flat. It was one portrait separated by three horizontal sections and in each section showed the three Connor children. The section at the top was taking when they were very young. They three children have their back to the camera; it is out by the lake on the property. The sun is setting and the sun has the beautiful orangey hue to it. All three siblings are holding hands, Liam and Michelle are grinning at one another and Paul has his right hand acting as a visor on his forehead as he looks out across the lake. The other two pictures are a recreation of the first, only when they are teenagers, and finally when they are adults. Carla looks at with great pride, she loves them all so much. Instinctively she turns it over and sees calligraphy ingrained on the back.

_I grabbed a pile of dust, and holding it up, foolishly asked for as many birthdays as the grains of dust, I forgot to ask that they be years of youth.__  
__~Ovid's Metamorphoses_

_To my three beautiful children Paul Michael, Liam Barrington, and Michelle Sinead, I hope you all many years, many birthdays, and a fresh long life._

_Love Dad_

Carla wanted to cry, this room was calming it put her at ease. It was perfect that she decided to come here, because she needed to cry, and she needed to know that it was ok while she was doing so. She wiped away the tears, and carefully placed the picture on the table. She continued flipping through not really looking for anything and randomly stopped at a page in the journal:

_Dad says that's the thing with girls, they grow up and break your heart. But Carla would never break my heart and I am certain that I will never break hers. I told Nan and Michelle that I was going to propose to her a while back, and we went into town today to look at rings. I am not sure what I want to get her just yet, but I am thinking that maybe if I could find something with a golden heart that would be perfect. It would go greatly with our theme since she sewed that golden heart pendant on the sleeve of my favorite grey sweater. It makes everything come full circle and it all seems strangely poetic._

_Still somehow dad found out about it, I think Michelle is super excited to have Carla officially apart of the family (even though she has been for years) that she blabbed to Mum. Mum went to dad as these things go, and dad sat me down to have a serious talk about my future, and finishing my education before I make any commitments. But Car and I are practically married already. We share a flat together at Uni in Edinburgh and we just got a cat named Sugars, I explained this all to dad. But he just said that even if I am ready, there is a chance that Carla isn't. He says there is something off about her when we are together, like her heart isn't fully in it. I think it's just mum putting her feelings in his head. I understand they don't want me to get hurt, but I can't imagine my life without anyone else. Carla is my end all be all. Dad says maybe I should take her as my date to Cousin Kara's wedding, I mean that's a giving anyways. But Dad has it in mind that Carla needs to get a feel for weddings and stuff. I guess he is right, she has never really been to one and it there is a chance it could be very overwhelming for her if the first wedding she goes to is her own. She might get all scared and I don't want to scare her off at all, not ever._

_Anyways now the whole family knows about it before I was ready to tell them, even Kara and Tom. Michelle and Nan are especially happy, but Liam has been acting a bit strange about it. Kara and Michelle figure it's just cause he doesn't want to lose me to married life, that our dynamic is being shaken up. But that's ridiculous because our trio hasn't been one for years; Carla has been like family for years. If anything Auntie Serena says he should be happy to have Carla as a sister. She would keep him in line, and I completely agree. Liam needs a sister who won't adore him like a lost puppy (no offence Michelle, if you happen to come upon this journal in my room like you did last week)._

_~Paul_

Carla sat in silence. She was at a loss for words; she still wore the ring Paul had given her from time to time around a chain. She had done so out of respect to her marriage to Tony Gordon. He had made his dream come true with the type of ring he wanted to give her, he had made sure it incorporated hearts. His uncle Mark who was an architect helped him with the sketches she remembered, and on the inside of the ring was inscribed,

_5:00pm a love that knows know bounds, no limits, remember this moment…_

He had such complete faith in her, his love knew know bounds or limits. She had been selfish, she had married him because she loved the way he adored her. Sure she loved him, but it wasn't the passion or electricity she had always felt with Liam. She married him because she was confused, because he was everything Liam wasn't. What was that saying…Was it love, or just something that reminded me of Something that felt a lot like but wasn't love?

Here was the truth, she loved him she loved her husband very much, she adored everything he ever did for her, how he cared and was thoughtful. But she was never in love with him, as much as it pained Carla to realize it, this was the truth. She would remember this moment, it was the moment which would finally set her free, Paul and her both. She closes her eyes and for a moment she thinks she can hear Paul's voice, he is saying thank you.

"_Thank you Car, thank you for setting us both free. Now finally we can both be at peace."_

Carla cries, and they are tears of endless freedom, tears absent of sorrow and pain only tears of acceptance.

"Thank you Paul," Carla whispers back.

Just then Tom comes in the door way and knocks on the doorframe alerting her. Quickly Carla shuts the journal and briskly wipes away her tears.

"You okay?"

"Yeah."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Got everything you came for then?"

"I think, but time will tell."

"Maybe I'll let you visit another day before Auntie and Uncle get back. I can't promise though."

"Thank you Tom," Carla smiles up at him reassuring him she will be okay.

"Well I'll be waiting in the Car, come when you're ready."

Tom turns on his heel and heads towards the stairs. Carla looks down at Paul's journal and automatically decides to take it; it will give her peace to continue reading it. It will make her feel close to Paul. She shoves it into her purse and follows Tom out of the room.


	14. Chapter 14

Sean, Fiz and Maria sit huddled in a booth a the Rovers return sipping their pints. Sean and Fiz are filling Maria in on the days work at Underworld.

"Mr. Lawrence is dead nice actually. He is quite strict but he is warm and friendly," said Fiz.

"And he is a hit with the ladies because he is gorgeous to look at. I wouldn't kick that out of bed in the morning," added Sean.

Maria almost spit out her pint.

"What? I'm being honest Maria he is tall dark and handsome. Tell me you wouldn't kick that out of bed in the morning?"

"Well the chances of Mr. Lawrence-"

"Alex, he likes for you to call him Alex," interrupted Sean.

"Okay Alex, well the chances of Alex Lawrence ever getting within the vicinity of my bed are slim to none."

"AW gosh Maria don't be such a kill joy," said Fez. "You're fit, he's fit you two need to get together asap."

"Yep, yep Fiona dating extraordinaire is correct Maria. When two fit people don't take the opportunity to have at it, horrible things happen in the universe," said Sean in a matter of fact tone.

"Yes Sean is right," chimed in Fiz once more. "Lots of horrible things happen like puppies and kittens die, your grass turns yellow, and the milk goes sour."

"I heard the milkman doesn't even come around anymore."

"Oh come off it the both of you. I am not going to sleep with Mr. Lawrence, he just got here, I don't even know him. Besides I have a kid to raise, I don't have time to date."

"You're preaching to the wrong choir babe. Fiz and I both got young ones. And besides we didn't say anything about dating, we said screwing. Those are two different things. As for not knowing him, you have to get to know him. Oh and here's the perfect opportunity sexy man just walked in."

On cue, Fiz pushes Maria from the booth and she falls straight at the feet of Mr. Lawrence. Maria is horrified, but Mr. Lawrence looks simply amused.

"Do you need some help up Miss?"

"Thank you that would be much welcomed." Maria glared over in Sean and Fiz's direction.

"Just call me cupid," Sean mouthed and Fiz bursts out into a fit of laughter.

Mr. Lawrence glanced in their direction looking slightly bewildered, and then turned back to face Maria, "I think they are having a laugh at our expense."

"Yes I think we may be the but of some private joke, although I don't know what." This was a lie, Maria knew exactly what was up.

Mr. Lawrence smiled and Maria thought he had the most strangely beautiful; features she had ever seen. He looked almost evil at times, the dangerous evil beauty that her staunch Catholic grandmother told her only Demons or Lucifer possessed. She felt intrigued by him.

"I didn't quite catch your name."

"That's because I didn't quite give it to you" Maria was surprised at how playful and flirty she was being with this man. It came so easily and he seemed to be enjoying it.

"Touché, but do you think you could manage it?"

"Not until you give me yours first."

"That's easy, Alex."

"Maria."

"Pretty name for a pretty girl."

"You know your name is ancient Egyptian for beloved lady."

"No I did not know that."

"Well you learn new something everyday, and you can't say I never gave you anything."

"Who says we will ever get to that point?"

"No one, but I have a feeling about you Maria. Would you at least let me get you a drink?"

"Yes," Maria followed him over to the bar and gave her order, which was just a vodka tonic. He ordered a brandy.

"So what's Alex ancient Egyptian for?"

"It isn't, it's Greek for the goddess Hera, meaning one who saves heroes and later meaning for one who defends men."

"How do you know all this?"

"My parents, they had degrees in ancient civilizations, I spent my youth travelling to various corners of the earth while they taught in their fields."

"Interesting."

"Some would think, but it was all actually rather ordinary for me. So enough about me, what's your story Maria."

"I don't know, I don't really have one."

There was a glint in Alex's eyes and for a second Maria thought of his strange evil beauty.

"Everyone has a story."

Alex pulled out his wallet and collected his change from Steve. Carla saw a picture in his wallet with a girl who had dark brown hair and blue gray eyes. She felt a little jealous and before she could help it she blurted out,

"She's pretty."

He must have been able to detect her jealousy because for a second Alex wore the familiar look of amusement on his face.

"Thank you, that's my sister Louise." He seemed preoccupied for a moment before he decided to add, "She died eight years ago."

Maria felt horrible, "Oh, I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"It's nothing really, life goes on whether the ones we love are here or not. To my parents Louise is like ancient history."

Maria didn't know how to respond, for a moment she thought of Liam and little Liam. Would little Liam grow up with that same apathetic approach to death and dying?

Alex tried to make the situation more comfortable, "You don't even want to know what Louise is ancient Greek for?"

"What is it?" said Maria all too happy to try and cheer up and think of something else.

"It isn't Greek, it's German."

"Ahh, you got me."

"But it means famous warrior. I think the warrior part accurately describes my sister."

Just thing Michelle walked in she looked grave as she rushed towards Maria, spotting Mr. Lawrence she shot suspicious daggers from her eyes.

"Maria I need to talk to you it's urgent."

"I'm in the middle of something Michelle."

Michelle turned shooting an incredulous look at Alex. "What, him? He can wait can't he?"

"Gosh Michelle keep your voice down, don't be so rude.".

"He doesn't mind does he?" Michelle turned to Alex and asked, "You don't mind of I interrupt for a moment do you?"

"No go right ahead," said Alex raising his hands up in defense of Michelle's glaring eyes.

"What then?" Maria was annoyed.

"It's about Dr. Harrington. I've tried contacting her, can't get an answer for days now. Her Secretary hasn't seen her either. I am going to make a trip down to her practice first thing tomorrow. Strange that first Carla disappears and now her shrink."

"You said Carla wasn't disappeared."

"You know what I mean."

"No I don't."

Now it was Michelle's turn to get irritated. " Well the point is I need back up tomorrow, your going to have to pull a sick day."

"I can't Michelle. I already have an appointment booked for Liam tomorrow."

"We'll go later then and no buts about it. Carla is family and we are going to do what it takes to look out for her." Michelle turned abruptly and left.

"I am so sorry about her, she's my sister in law. My husband died five years ago."

"Sorry to hear that."

"So where were we?"

"Ah actually Maria I've been thinking it is getting quite late, I need to get home. I live out in the country and have a bunch of things to do tonight. I should go."

"I understand, but I hope to see you around."

"Chances are you will. I will be at Underworld for a while."

"Is Carla ok?" Maria asked just to be polite.

"To be honest I don't really know. She seems fine, just needed to get away and take a break is all. Well goodnight Maria."

"Goodnight Alex."

Once safely inside his car, Frank Foster pulled out his mobile and scrolled through his contacts until he reached Katherine Harrington. He pressed send and waited patiently for the line to go through.

"Hello," answered Dr. Harrington's voice.

"Looks like you'll have to make a quick drive back into town tonight Kate. Michelle Connor is looking for you."

"But what about the tapes, I haven't gone through all of them yet."

"You can take them with you," Frank answered impatiently. "Just remember you won't tell Tony you listened to those ones."

"Yes I know," sighed Dr. Harrington.

"I'm serious Doctor, you work for me now. As far as Tony is concerned your still bating for him. But you are going to follow my plan now. So make sure you find Carla, I'll give you Crawford for this task. You can screw around with her head for a bit make Tony feel like his diabolical plans are coming to fruition but you answer to me understand?"

"Yes Foster, I understand."

"Good." Frank hung up the phone and sat in his car in the dark for a few minutes. He had no idea a dark figure was watching him from across the street as he put the key in the ignition and speed away.

Michelle Connor did not trust this new man who had just arrived on Coronation Street and was determined to figure out exactly what his game was for Carla's sake.


	15. Chapter 15

"Pa-pa."

Maria was holding Liam and taking him downstairs for his breakfast. Like they did every morning, Maria stopped midway through the staircase to let Liam point out at the pictures hanging on the wall. There was a picture he seemed most enthralled by, his eyes lit up when ever he saw it. It was a picture separated by three horizontal sections and in each section showed the three Connor children. The section at the top was taking when they were very young. Maria remembered Liam had told her Barry had to work miracles to secure the original shot. The three children have their back to the camera out by the lake on the Connor property in Dublin. All three siblings are holding hands, Liam and Michelle are grinning at one another and Paul has his right hand acting as a visor on his forehead as he looks out across the lake. The other two pictures are a recreation of the first, only when Liam them are teenagers, and finally when they are adults.

"Yes my own darling, that's your papa Liam, say papa Liam."

"Pa-pa Lee-um," the young boy repeated and Maria kissed his rosy cheeks and patted his light brown hair."

Suddenly Maria noticed something scrawled out in the margins in fine print and leaned squinting her eyes to read it.

_I grabbed a pile of dust, and holding it up, foolishly asked for as many birthdays as the grains of dust, I forgot to ask that they be years of youth.__  
__~Ovid's Metamorphoses_

How had see walked past the portrait every morning and never noticed the quote before, Maria wondered. She descended the stairs and went into the kitchen setting little Liam in his high chair. She decided she would give him a quick breakfast so they could be on their way to his doctor's appointment with the orthopedic surgeon Dr. Wise. She was looking at cereal options when Michelle walked into the kitchen nearly given her a heart attack.

"Whoa!" said Maria. "How did you get in here Michelle? You frightened me."

Michelle walked over to her nephew grinning and pinching his cheeks. "You gave me a key silly."

"Well what are you doing here? I have to get ready soon to take Liam to his doctors appointment."

Michelle sat down at the kitchen table making her self comfortable. "Have you forgotten our appointment to go see the other doctor Dr. Harrington?"

Maria was exasperated, she had already told Michelle she had to take Liam to the doctors yesterday evening. She was in no mood for arguing.

"Shell I already told you I had plans today that didn't involve stalking some psychiatrist. What makes you think she would have any information on Carla's whereabouts anyways?"

"People confide in their shrinks all the time Maria. Anyways we're not going to hers right away. I am going to accompany you to Liam's appointment, you know for moral support."

Maria was in doubt that this had anything at all to do with moral support as much as it had to do with Michelle making Maria feel indebted to her. Nonetheless she managed to say a thank you, before leaving her sister in law to feed Liam while she went up stairs to get ready. She was not looking forward to this day at all.

"_Strange things keep on happening. I wonder perhaps it is all a trick of the mind. Am I being too paranoid? I think I am, because one moment he says he loves me, the next moment he says nothing at all. I think Tony is up to something, I just don't know what."_

Dr. Harrington sat patiently in her office awaiting the arrival of Michelle Connor. Frank had insisted she travel back into the city to greet the inquiring woman, so Dr. Harrington ever the obedient servant did as she was told. She had intended to hide away at Frank Foster's country estate listening to all the tapes he kept on Tony's first wife Louise. The parallels between Louise and Carla Connor's testimonials were striking. If anything they only strengthened Dr. Harrington's devotion to Tony. She heard two emotionally damaged women who were just seeking attention and to destroy Tony, because they had misinterpreted his love. Of course when she listened to tapes in Foster's presence she pretended to be horrified and disgusted. This was followed by pledges of allegiance to Frank in his vendetta against Tony, of which the cause Dr. Harrington was still uncertain. She would play the double agent if she must; she just wanted Tony Gordon in the end. Frank only got her to leave his estate when he promised she could take some more cassette tapes with her for listening. So here she was the following Tuesday morning holed up in her office listening to first hand accounts of married life to Tony, from Louise herself.

"_He keeps waking me up in the night. Sometimes at 3 or 4 in the morning and it's weird because he keeps pressuring me to take medicine. Tony says I've been out of sorts and that it will help me feel better. But I think I know his game, he wants me to forget about the black eye he gave me."_

"_He gave you a black eye?"_

Dr. Harrington was stunned. She thought all the tapes were self recordings. She quickly rewound the tape and pressed play again.

"_He gave you a black eye?"_

It was not Louise's voice but a mans. It didn't sound like Franks or Tony's. It sounded older more mature and grave.

"_Yes, yes he did. And he held me in the tub under the water until I couldn't breath and I kept scratching and scratching at him, trying to grasp anything that would save me. But he wouldn't stop. His eyes were like a demons."_

"_I can see the lacerations around your neck Louise. Is this the first time Tony has done something like this?"_

"_No, no it isn't. But it is the worst that he has done. I really set him off. We had gone into town and I had crossed paths with an old flame of mine. Tony didn't like him at all. I tried to explain that we are just mates now, not even mates just mere acquaintances. I mean the guy is dating an old friend of mine now Olivia."_

"_I see, and Tony doesn't like it that you decided to talk to Olivia and this old flame."_

"_Yes, he said I was too pure to be hanging around a drunk like Olivia. You see she often gets herself passed out in a drunken haze in the back of a cabbie. Tony doesn't like girls like that."_

"_Yet he gives you sleeping pills? They create the same effect, the drowsiness. Combine that with the antidepressants I've already prescribed you, your as good as passed out Louise."_

"_And that's why I stopped taking them whenever he gives them to me now."_

"_I wonder Louise, do none of your friends see this behavior in him? Your old flame, what is his name and Olivia."_

"_Olivia is a party girl and Liam, well Liam has Olivia to worry about he is oblivious to notice Tony's hatred of him."_

The doctor paused the tape. Had she heard correctly, had she heard the name Liam?

"_So there is no one you can turn to?"_

"_No."_

"_My dear girl, you have to get away there has to be someone you can go to. If you don't get away Louise, Tony will kill you."_

"_Don't you think I know that Doctor. But that's not even what bothers me the most."_

"_Well that then bothers you more then your own safety?"_

"_Tony won't just kill me, he'll make his goal to kill anyone and everyone ever associated with me."_

"_Louise you have money, surely your grandfather won't let him get to you, your brother…"_

"_Doctor, you don't understand. My family wealth means nothing to him. Tony is smart he has connections. If he wants you dead, you'll be dead."_

The tape cut out, and Dr. Harrington felt restless. She needed to talk to Tony and quickly. His parole hearing was coming soon, and he had no idea just how lucky it was that Frank Foster had helped her unintentionally get his enemy a chance out of jail or at least a mistrial. Dr. Harrington couldn't be anymore happy then she was in this moment.


	16. Chapter 16

**Warning there are some scenes of rape and drugs in this chapter**

"So what are my chances of parole Cabot?"

Tony was meeting with his lawyers once more; his parole hearing would be in the afternoon.

"Tony my man you have nothing to worry about. You have been a model prisoner on good behavior and the judges as Lawson I am sure has told you thinks that you are unlikely to reoffend again."

Ms. Lawson winked over in Tony's direction before turning to her partner and stating her rehearsed agreement.

"I don't need words Cabot, I need results."

"And you'll have them Mr. Gordon in due time. In a couple of hours you will be a free man once more."

"Well good, I've had enough of Liam Connor's shadow following me around wherever I go."

"I caution you as my client Mr. Gordon, please don't say anymore."

Ms. Lawson leaned forward and mouthed, "There is a possibility they have the placed bugged."

Tony nodded that he understood and stood up to shake both of his lawyer's hands. "Until the afternoon then?"

"Yes Mr. Gordon, we will be at the court this afternoon, " said Mr. Cabot.

"Savor the memories for all they are worth, you'll appreciate the freedom much more," added Ms. Lawson.

"I don't need to appreciate anything," Tony said in a smug voice.

When he got back to his cell Tony just wanted to relax. The only thing keeping him going was getting out and getting his revenge on Carla Connor. He had already decided he wasn't going to kill he for the time being, but he was set on killing all her memories of her precious Liam. But since she had skipped town he had been unable to utilize Doctor Harrington is his plans of psychological warfare. But what else could he do but wait for the time being. At least he hadn't been charged directly with the murder of Liam.

"GORDON!" screamed one of the guards. "You got a call."

Tony was escorted down the hallway to the phones.

"Hello."

"Kate," it was Katherine Harrington on the other end. "Why are you calling me?"

"It's urgent Tony. I have some wonderful news that can help not only free you for good, but have all those wrongful charges dropped."

Tony adjusted the phone, looking around to make sure the guards and fellow inmates weren't to interested in his conversation. "Okay you got my attention Kate speak."

"Mr. Foster I am sorry to be bothering you again but it's that Sally Webster on the phone again. She wants to know what's going on with the factory."

Frank was in his office at his country estate. He had not bothered to make the drive into town that day. His assistant was now bothering him for what seemed the 18th time that Tuesday morning.

"Tell her to handle things, that is what she is getting paid for isn't she? Anyways I won't be coming in today and I will not be bothered about this again you hear. Also that goes for everyone, not just Sally I have some very important things to do today."

"Yes sir," said the personal assistant slowly backing out of his office. " It won't happen again. She slowly pulled in the door. Frank went back to business. He had bugged Doctor Harrington's office to keep a tab on her. He had always thought she was a loon and wouldn't start trusting her now and it was a good thing, because at the moment she was going against everything she had promised to do for Frank.

"_Hello," said Doctor Harrington's voice._

"_Kate why are you calling me?"_

"_It's urgent Tony. I have some wonderful news that can help not only free you for good, but have all those wrongful charges dropped."_

"_Okay you got my attention Kate speak."_

"_Okay now before you get angry with me for what I'm about to tell you, just know that everything I do, I do because I love you."_

"_Just spit it out Kate, I don't got all day."_

"_I know about Louise."_

There was a long silence and Frank held his breath. That stupid little bitch, he thought, she couldn't keep her mouth shut. He had given her those tapes in confidence and now she was blabbing to Tony. Tony also seemed angry at the revelation and did not speak for a time.

"_Tony say something."_

"_Don't say that name again."_

"_Tony please…"_

"_It was Frank wasn't it, he is a spiteful little thug isn't he."_

"_Tony I don't care! Please just hear me out."_

"_Get it over with. What does Louise have to do with Carla?"_

"_Everything Tony. I've been listening to the tapes, I am convinced, I mean I can't believe I never noticed it before. But Tony did you ever talk about Louise and her delusions with Carla when you two were married?"_

"…_Yes I mentioned Louise a bit. But Carla knew about her before in passing they were acquaintances. She was one of Liam Connors exes back in the day when he was veering between her and Olivia James."_

"_Yes, but what else did she know about Louise? Did you ever tell her about Louise's behavior during your marriage? Did Carla ever get hold of those cassette tapes?"_

There was another long silence and Frank listened intently hanging onto every word. He waited with anticipation swaying his glass of brandy in his hand. Finally…

"_There was one time a couple of months after Liam died, when she kept on pressuring me to look into his death. I told her flat out one day that I wasn't going to live like this anymore. Then I came home that one evening and I found her in the tub, with her wrists slit she was a wreck Kate. The ambulance took her to the hospital and I stayed behind to pack some of her things, you know the knick knacks to take to the hospital. I thought I saw something sticking out from under the bed and I leaned down to take a closer look, and that's when I saw them."_

"_Louise's tapes?"_

"_Yes Louise's tapes. She had listened to every single one of them."_

"_How do you know?"_

"_It's no coincidence Kate, that I come home to find my current wife at the time in the same state as my previous. The only difference this time was that I could actually save Carla."_

"LIES," shouted Frank. He threw his brandy glass against the nearby fireplace and it smashed into pieces. Louise's death was no suicide like Tony was now suggesting.

"_Don't you see Tony, this is perfect absolutely perfect. How can the court take Carla's testimony seriously? Look at it; it all falls into place so perfectly. Louise had Liam and Carla had Liam. Louise marries you Carla marries you too. Louise thought that you were trying to kill her with sleeping pills; Carla thought you were trying to kill her with sleeping pills. Don't you see it?"_

"_Of course, Kate you absolute genius! No judge will believe a word she has to say even if there is a chance that she shows up at the hearing today. And when my lawyers enter the petition for a mistrial we have all the information we need to discredit Carla's testimony and bring the question of her character to the forefront._

"_Yes all we need to do is convince the jury that Carla thinks she is Louise. That she convinced herself that Louise's memories and delusions were her own. Baby we are gonna do it!"_

"_I could kiss you right now you know that Kate? But first baby I need you to do something for me."_

"_Anything Tony."_

"_I need you to get all the tapes you have, and all the other tapes currently being held at Frank Foster's estate."_

"_Okay."_

"_And another thing."_

"_Yeah, what?"_

"_I need you to track down Carla Connor, she's been gone far to long. Lord knows I'm in need of a proper home coming. We still have to destroy her memories of perfect little Liam."_

Frank was furious. The nerve of that scoundrel and murderer Tony Gordon to double cross him, and his stupid loon bitch of a girlfriend. They had to be stopped. Frank couldn't believe Tony hadn't remembered his omission that he Frank was tapping the doctor's office. Perhaps Tony was under the impression Dr. Harrington was calling from home. Well Frank was going to have to bug there to.

"MARY!" Frank shouted and his assistant came bustling in.

"Sir?"

"Get me Crawford. Oh and book me a flight to Dublin. Actually cross that, book Crawford the flight to Dublin"

"Yes sir, should I do it right away?"

"Yes."

"I didn't know you had business in Dublin sir."

"I don't, but someone else I know does."

"Can I get you anything else sir?"

"Yes, send for my town car Mary. I think I'll be heading to the factory after all."

"Right away sir."

When the assistant closed in the door leaving him alone once more, Frank went over to his window. He had waited all these years; he had let Tony hold an unforgivable crime over his head, a rape that Tony himself had egged him on in doing when there were both at the University of Edinburgh. The girl was named Carla and Tony was bent on getting revenge on Louise at the time for going out on the town with some ex boyfriend named Liam.

Frank hadn't known the full extent of Tony's intentions the evening the two decided to go to the Pub together, but Frank just remembered that Tony had managed to slip something into the drink of a raven haired green eyed beauty and next thing he knew, Tony, Frank, and the girl barely conscious had driven out into a field. The girl Carla begged him to stop, but Tony wouldn't let him; he said he wanted to stick it to that boy Liam by getting at his brother Paul's girlfriend. Tony told Frank how Liam was known to be a little obsessed with Carla and that this would definitely teach him a lesson. They had blind folded her so she wouldn't see their faces as they attacked her, and Tony made Frank do all the talking he made Frank say all the threats. It made perfect sense, he didn't want Carla to identify or recognize his voice, he had wanted Carla to only remember Frank as her attacker.

So a few months later when Tony proposed to his sister Louise, Frank objected. He had seen what Tony was capable of implementing and wanted no part in anymore of it. But then Tony threatened him and told him that if he ever said anything to Louise about the rape of Carla, then Tony would make sure the police pinned it all on Frank. Even after the death of his sister, Frank didn't say anything about his suspicions surrounding Tony; he knew that Tony would hold the rape over his head. But he was tired of it all. He wasn't that horrible thing he had done, or at least he had always hoped so. He wondered what happened to the good hearted person he was and the person he could have been. Tony robbed him of all that, the moment he used Frank as a pawn in his revenge plot and obsession with Liam Connor all those years ago. They were trying to pin, everything on Carla now, trying to say she wanted to be Louise. But to Frank it was obvious that the game of impersonation started long before Carla and Louise. Tony Gordon had been consumed with wanting to destroy Liam Connor for years; even in death his sick intent did not stop. Perhaps it was Tony who had always wanted to be Liam Connor. All the women he cared for loved Liam more, Liam had been more handsome and successful as well. Carla's devotion to him had been the last straw; he couldn't bear to have a Louise repeat all over again.

It was raining now, storming quite hard actually. Frank glinted out the window, trying to make out the vast horizons of his property. Nothing was clear, yet everything was clear in his mind. He had to act it was now or never. He had to make it up to Louise, he had to make things right.

"Vengeance is mine, sayeth the lord." Frank whispers.

And he thinks he hears a faint whisper back

"_Vengeance is ours."_

It was Louise's voice. He'd take vengeance for them both then.


	17. Chapter 17

"How long are you going to be staying in Dublin Carla?"

Tom had kept his word to let Carla come back to the Connor property once more before Helen, Barry, Serena and Mark came back into Town. Carla was very grateful.

"For as long as it takes."

They had pulled up to the house and before Tom had even finished parking Carla jumped out of the car and ran towards the house. Since her last visit she had felt so full of hope and purpose, she prayed desperately it was not all a fluke. Her disturbing dreams were becoming less frequent and her journal entries much more lighthearted. Remembering Paul was much more easy then remembering Liam. Liam always made Carla feel sad, but then he always had even when he was alive. Carla opens the front door and she is unable to stop her mind from travelling back in time.

She is locked in time…

_Paul gleefully held onto Carla's hand dragging her towards his house. It was a beautiful spring day and he had just proposed to her. Carla of course accepted and he wanted to break the news to all the family. They clambered into the front door smiling at one another with such joy they hardly noticed Michelle and Paul's cousin Kara ambushed them as they came inside the house._

"_Well what did she say?" asked Kara._

"_She said yes of course," hissed Michelle before turning in Paul and Carla's direction positively beaming. "You said yes didn't you Carla?_

_Carla was in a playful mood. She had known for quite sometime that Paul had made up his mind she was the girl he was going to marry, and Carla was perfectly content with being Mrs. Paul Connor. The person she had wanted would never be at her disposal , so she decided she wasn't going to sit around waiting for him to notice her anymore._

"_Was there ever any doubt," Carla said throwing out her hand so Kara and Michelle could admire her brand new rock._

"_Ooh I love the hearts. That's so different in an engagement ring, so inspired." Kara looked envious._

_Just then Paul, Michelle and Liam's uncle Mark came into the front area. "You can thank me for that. I'm the one who designed it," he winked in Carla's direction before coming over to Paul to offer his congratulations. "And don't be sulking Kara, you've been married a month now and your already coveting someone else's engagement ring."_

"_Andrew didn't get it designed is all, nothing against Andrew Dad but the whole story behind Carla's ring is adorable. You know the whole heart on the sleeve thing?"_

_Paul and Michelle exchanged looks while Kara gave up trying to explain herself to her father and stomped off to the kitchen calling for her mother._

"_If you ever become ungrateful like that I'll kill you," joked Paul. "Honest I don't know how Andrew does it."_

"_Aww there is someone out there for everyone," said Michelle. "Look at the two of you! You're both absolutely radiant; I couldn't be happier Car. You are now officially my sister."_

"_Thank you Michelle," Carla leaned in for a hug and kissed Michelle on both cheeks._

"_Where are mum and dad?" asked Paul when it was his turn to give Michelle a hug. "And Liam, where is he?"_

"_Mum and dad are downtown picking up some groceries, and I think Liam is upstairs with Olivia. She came over a bit before you guys, she's nursing a hangover. Apparently they had a big row last night. Met some friends in town and apparently Louise and her new boyfriend. Drama ensued, you know the typical Liam and Olivia fight."_

_Carla felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. She was certain the two had called it quits, but she didn't want to appear too curious. Paul often gave her suspicious looks when she inquired as to the status of Liam's love life._

"_I thought they were broken up? I thought he was back with Louise or maybe I was thinking Victoria", said Paul._

"_Oh you know our Liam Paul, he is always juggling a ton of girls at once", responded Michelle. "Now come into the kitchen the both of you, aunt Serena brought a bottle of bubbly. She wants a proper celebration."_

"_Oh I can hardly wait," said Paul rolling his eyes. He slipped his arm from Carla's shoulder and kissed her gently on the forehead before moving towards the kitchen with Michelle._

_Carla didn't follow him; she stood planted in front of the stairs just looking up. She didn't know what she was expecting really, she just wanted a sign that Liam and Olivia weren't messing around upstairs. Suddenly Carla heard a door from upstairs swing open and the loud stomping of Olivia's footsteps."_

"_God you just don't get it Lee-um!" Olivia said in the most singsong voice ever. "You always try to act all coy like Louise is over you. She was all over you last night! And her boyfriend didn't like it either I could tell."_

"_I barely even noticed the boyfriend, he didn't say much and kept to himself all night. Can you blame Louise for wanting to be social." Liam came out after her, his shirt was off showing his toned chest. _

"_Well you shouldn't encourage her! Anyways I am over it already. I have to met Victoria and Sara for an early dinner." Olivia stumbled clearly nursing the signs of a hangover as she clambered down the stairs. Carla could barely stand the sight of her. She couldn't understand what Liam saw in her. Olivia gave Carla a snobby glance before trailing out the door. Liam stood at the top of the staircase still shirtless, Carla tried not to take him all in at once._

"_Late night," she said trying to break the ice._

"_You wouldn't believe it."_

"_Ha you forget I go out with Paul all the time."_

_Liam looked consumed in deep thought his vibrant blue eyes now marred with trouble. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. _

"_Olivia is doing me in! She just drinks all the time it gets uncontrollable. I had to stop about five fights last night."_

"_I don't know why you stick with her Liam, or should I say Lee-um," joked Carla. She just wanted to put a smile on his face. It worked his eyes lit up animated and he started to laugh, it was quite infectious. Just then Paul, Liam, and Michelle's cousin Tom came through the front door, followed closely by Tom's brother in-law Andrew, and Michelle's boyfriend also named Tom._

"_Carla my girl, I believe congratulations are in order," said Tom the Connor cousin._

"_Congratulations for what?" said Liam still wearing the look of amusement from Carla's impersonation of Olivia._

_Carla shrugged her shoulders impassively. For some reason she was afraid to tell Liam the news, she was afraid of what his reaction would be on one hand and on the other that he'd have no reaction at all. She dropped eye contact with Liam and looked down at the floor, she hid her ring finger behind her back._

"_Oh goodness Liam, you must be the worst brother in the world," said Michelle's boyfriend Tom. "Car and Paul just got engaged where were you?"_

_Carla willed herself to look up, Liam had not broken eye contact with her the whole time, and slowly he descended the stairs creating an intimacy between them. The two Tom's and Andrew went towards the kitchen and Carla could hear them making a boisterous entrance. Liam took advantage to the opportunity, he pulled her ring finger from behind her back with such force at first it startled Carla. She yielded and he became gentler as he took her hand in his own. His blue eyes swept the scope of her fingers, and his expression was unreadable. Finally after a time he decided to speak._

"_So he beat me to it hey?" There was an obvious hurt in his voice. Carla still couldn't speak she just started wordlessly, his touch was inflaming to her and he knew it. She wanted to make light of the situation._

"_What were we 12, when you proposed?"_

"_You where 12 and I was 13," Liam responded almost breathlessly. _

"_Well that doesn't count Liam, that was all for fun and games."_

"_You made a promise Carla."_

"_What were we playing again?"_

"_I don't know, I think house. Remember we played by the lake outback. I was the fisherman, you were my wife and then we made Michelle the kid."_

"_Yeah, the proposal wasn't all that serious."_

"_It was, you made me swear on my dead grandfather and everything. Remember we used to have a secret code, just the two of us."_

_Carla remembered. "Yep, and how it drove Shell so irate because she didn't know what it meant. What was it again?"_

"_Greenish Brown female sheep…"_

"_Olive ewe," Carla whispered back before she could stop herself. "Of course."_

"_You better not let Paul hear you say that your spoken for now."_

"_Yes I am," Carla responded but she could sense the uncertainty cracking in her voice._

"_This whole thing isn't fair," Liam said back._

_Liam spoke to her in such a way that she could tell he was appealing to her, one soul to another, that deep down he knew her own intentions with Paul weren't right, that there wasn't something unspoken between them that had gone on as such for too long. His breathing was shallow and he pulled Carla into a hug. He was wrestling with the same things Carla was. She felt the urge to hug him back, and tell him she didn't mean to cause him any pain._

"_It isn't fair to Paul or it isn't fair to you?"_

_They were now rocking back and forth, and Liam is stroking Carla's long raven colored hair._

"_I just need a moment Carla."_

_But Carla couldn't let this go on any longer. There were places in the heart where time stands still and secrets of the soul threatened to get out. She gently pushes him away from her trying to redefine the boundaries between them. To let him know she wasn't his, she belong to Paul, she had chosen Paul._

"_Playing it safe then?"_

"_I love him Liam, I thought you'd be happy for me."_

"_I would, if I was certain that it was what you wanted."_

_Carla didn't understand him. She marveled in him, was intrigued by him, consumed by him. She had loved him ever since she figured out what love was, she remembered what it was like to hold his hand as they slipped across rocks, what it was to be innocent in thoughts. And then she felt angry, he stared at her with such yearning and she wondered why he always had to do this. Sometimes she felt like he left her in limbo, he never let her thrive. Sometimes she wondered if he wanted her to be just as unhappy as he was, never having all the things he wanted._

"_You had your chance, you had your chance and you gave me away. You chose others."_

_His voice is wrought with emotion but he says every word concisely, "I did not give you to anyone."_

"_Car where are you?" rung Michelle's voice from the kitchen. She rounded the corner, "Are you coming for some bubbly or what?" Michelle looked at Liam whose eyes were welling with the onset of tears. "What's the matter with you? Better yet, the both of you."_

_Liam didn't take his eyes off Carla, "Nothing."_

"_Nothing," repeated Carla. _

"_I just found out I lost something I never really had to begin with." Liam turns around abruptly and heads up the stairs. _

_Michelle stands confused on the verge of scratching her head, "Cryptic much."_

_Carla stood in silence on the verge of tears. It wasn't cryptic at all. Liam had just closed the door on them, whatever they had been and whatever they were. He had settled the relationship on his terms, and although Carla should have been grateful, she was heart broken. In her heart she knew it was right, but her heart wasn't ready to say goodbye. He had just done so, and he did it so easily. Did she always love him more, she wondered in that moment. Carla figured that she did._

Carla was standing outside Liam's bedroom door. She didn't even remember walking up the stairs she was so entranced in her memories. She had come back to make peace with Paul, but todays trip just reminded her of why she fled to Dublin to begin with. She hadn't been able to handle all the cruel word Maria had spewed about the nature of her and Liam's relationship. There was some truth to Maria's words when she said Liam and Carla played games with one another. They had let each other go countless times, but it was all just a fluke. The moments they pretended to let each other go were just to fool themselves into thinking they were noble and self-sacrificing. But what had they really sacrificed? Carla remembers making love to Liam the night before she married Paul; she remembers when they began to kiss as kids when it was innocent until it wasn't anymore. They had never really fully accepted their feelings for what they were, and they were content in knowing that they intended to do nothing at all to resolve them. Every time they let each other go, they knew it wasn't over but just a premature set back, that they could have their fun but at the end of the day, they only ever wanted each other.

Carla was facing the reality of what the relationship really was. It was Liam trying to hold onto her, making omissions of her true feelings when he thought he was losing her forever. She did the same to him, when he was with Maria. And Liam was right when he said it wasn't fair, but Carla had been bitter. Still she followed Liam blindly, letting her heart control her actions and letting him rule her mind. He consumed her in life and he did in death.

On his door there is etched into the wooden frame a quote, although Carla is not sure from where.

"_There are no men like me, only me."_

She finds it fitting for the only man she ever truly loved. He was loved most by everyone, his mother, his grandmother, his sister, and countless women. Hell he was the only child in the family allowed to etched quotes into the wall. There was something about him that no one could wrap his or her head around. Carla couldn't even articulate why it had always been and always would be him that she loved. He didn't have to try with people, they just liked him automatically, and he was lucky for it. He had her forgiveness every single time he dug the knife deeper into her soul. But was it right for her to hold onto him because of it? Was it healthy to continue living in the past? Coming back to this place was the right choice Carla realized, it was what she needed to help her understand the way she idealized Liam was not healthy for either of them. She wanted him to always save her, to be her comfort. But the only way things were going to change was if Carla started doing those things herself. It was the only way she would truly recover she had to let him go.


	18. Chapter 18

**Again just wanted to say thank you for all the wonderful reviews and staying with me as I continue writing this story. I want it to be enjoyable and a good read. I apologize if at times it seems to be dragging out.**

It was late when Helen and Barry finally pulled up into their home in Dublin. The car service had already dropped off Helen's sister Serena and her husband Mark and had driven at an excruciating snail pace, Helen wanted to rip the drivers hair out. But she bit her tongue because Barry was always nagging her about being inconsiderate.

"Did you at least have a good time love?" said Helen as the driver helped them drag the mounds of luggage to the front door.

"If good is what you want to call it then sure."

For some reason Barry had developed a short fuse full of curt responses during the getaway. He jammed his key into the front door throwing it upon with such force it frightened both Helen and the driver. Helen quickly tipped the driver shooing him away and helped Barry drag the remaining bags into the house.

"Well spit it out then! What are you going on about now?"

"Well if you must know Helen I did not have a good time in Nice. Not at all actually, and you want to know why?"

"Oh absolutely Barry!" said Helen rounding on Barry as he went past the stairs through the living room into the kitchen.

"Just once Helen, just once I'd like to go on vacation without our sons being the topic of conversation, the end all be all."

"I'm their mother I have a right to remember my sons fondly."

"They're _our_ sons Helen, ours not yours. Don't you dare suggest that I don't remember my boys. And I believe all you ever do is remember them nowadays and it isn't even fondly anymore. Your full of so much bitterness and so much hate."

"Me? Hate?" answered Helen incredulously as she positioned herself across the kitchen counter from Barry.

"Yes, you! It's always about you. You couldn't let our Serena share the news about becoming a grandma finally without raining on her parade and guilt tripping her. I mean Kara has been trying for a child for ages, but you just couldn't let Serena have her moment. You just had to mention that Paul never got to have kids, conveniently forgetting that Liam and Michelle both gave us grandbabies. And don't even get me started on how Liam supposedly would've loved everything we were doing in Nice Helen. I can tell you he most certainly would have not."

"Well I'm sorry if I wanted to keep my precious sons memories alive, but I'll have you know a mother loves each and everyone of her babies."

Barry gave out an exasperated sigh and turned on his heel headed towards his den.

"And a father doesn't Helen? Typical, it is so typical of you. Maybe you ought to direct some of that love to your living daughter as well. You hijack all the memories, you make them your own and you smoother everyone in the process."

Barry's voice trialed off as he reached down the hall to his Den. Helen was still fuming in the kitchen when she heard a loud gasp.

"Barry?" she called out finally. "Barry, why are you so quite?" Helen began to make her way from the kitchen down the hall to the Den. The dark hallway was welcomed by a glimmer of light illumining from the den. Helen was worried now, at little uneasy, but continued to joke jovially. "The cat got your tongue?"

She came into view of a horrifying scene unfolding in her mist. Her nephew Tom sat bound and gagged before her, and her husband Barry stood being held at gunpoint by what Helen viewed as an extremely old man, with hollow lifeless grey eyes. For a minute she just gapped in horror trying to convince herself it was all just a dream. The old man looked at her menacing in all manner as her husband quivered and her nephew whimpered. She wanted to run to Tom and free him, the old men seemed to know what she was thinking.

"I'd think twice if I were you Mrs. Connor."

Helen was stunned. How did he know her name? Who the hell was this man and what was he doing in her home holding her family hostage?

"W-what do you want?" she finally stammered.

The man's eyes suddenly turned deadly as he shoved terrified a Barry to the side sending him plummeting to the floor. Barry let out a howling sound. He had arthritis in his left knee.

"This isn't about what I want Mrs. Connor, but rather what an enemy of mine wants. Of course he is only an enemy in association but an opponent all the same. I believe you may know the man in particular of which I speak, a Mr. Tony Gordon."

Helen felt the blood drain from her she wanted to faint. Barry looked at her with terrified eyes and gradually his expression switched to one of confusion. Tom simply continued to whimper with great excessiveness. He was unable to speak as he had been gagged. The old man seemed to be enjoying the terror he was inflicting upon her and her family and it only made her grow defiant.

"Yeah I know him. What does he want? And what does my family have to do with it?"

"Your asking all the wrong questions Mrs. Connor. It isn't a question of what Gordon wants, but rather ensuring he gets everything he doesn't. And since you seem a little slow on the uptake I'll say it to you plainly. You were a major weapon for Mr. Gordon the last time around, you know what I'm talking about."

Barry and Tom exchanged confused looks. The old man gestured for Helen to sit down in one of the three chairs he had managed to cram into Barry's tiny den; Tom was already tied to one. Helen was hesitant but she didn't want any trouble. She sat down and the man began to bind her hands in a fashion similar to her nephew Tom. He hummed gingerly for a while engrossed in his work like he had done it many times before, removed from the horrid situation around him.

"Who are you?" Helen asked simply dumbfounded. "Did Tony send you?"

The man had now moved onto Barry, holding a rag of chloroform to his mouth to make him immobile before responding.

"Quite a lovely home you managed to make for yourself Helen; very lovely pictures of the kids, and insightful quotes. What is the one again? It moved me to tears every time I read it as a boy from Ovid's Metamorphoses. It goes, I grabbed a pile of dust…"

"…And holding it up foolishly asked for as many birthdays as the grains of dust, I forgot to ask that they be years of youth," Helen finished for the man not breaking from his cold stoic grey eyes.

"Yes, beautiful isn't it? The whole work is really. It's all about the different forms of love; the gods who wish to control them and Amor himself. But love can't be controlled no matter how irrational, how thoughtless and reckless But of course you know all about that don't you Helen?"

Helen thought of all the things she had done for the love of her children, especially her two sons. She thought of the woman who came between them, the woman who destroyed them and how she was powerless to stop it. She thought of how Liam behaved from an early age in Carla's presence and how she always knew the girl was trouble. How Paul wouldn't hear any reason, and married Carla anyways. She knew all about irrational love, and she knew what she had done for the sake of it, what she had been driven to do. If anything it was a sign perhaps the time had come to confess to her sins. She nodded her head in understanding.

"Good," whispered the old man. "It's easy to get through to people with great works of literature I find." He paused before continuing, You really tried though didn't you, to build a home, a home for love. Shame nothing every works out how you imagine it."

"What do you want? You said you were here about Tony Gordon." Helen was annoyed with his philosophical rant. "What do I have to do to make sure my family goes unharmed?"

The old man looked at her more amused then ever.

"Oh, so now you care about your family being unharmed, some would say it's a little late for that. You couldn't keep two kids out of harms way no matter how hard you tried. And your daughter has had her fair share of setbacks. But that's no matter of mine. You asked a question, I will answer it as best I can. Tony Gordon well be wanting something from you in due time, and it is my job to ensure that he doesn't get what he wants. If I have to keep you and your family as hostages to accomplish such, then I will. If last time is any indication, you can be easily persuaded." The old man reached into his pocket now, he had successfully tied up an immobile Barry. He pulled out a cell phone. "But that Tony business is for a later time, we will get to the details of what you have to do later. For now we have more pressing matters to attend to." The man pressed a few buttons holding it to Helen as it began to ring.

"Why are you giving me that for? Who are we calling?"

"Why your daughter in-law of course, Carla Connor. Didn't Tom tell you she's been in Dublin for quite some time now, from what I gather she's been in this house a couple of times now as well."

Helen went absolutely pale, before becoming enraged with anger. The old man began to leer at her and cocked his head to side clearing enjoying her rage.

"I will not talk to her."

"Oh yes you will Mrs. Connor, if you want your remaining family to live, you'll do anything and everything I tell you."

He shoved a piece of paper in front of Helen's eyes a script of some sort and the room was full of a terrible silence as everyone waited for Carla to pick up on the other end.

Maria walked into the Rovers Return just looking to unwind and relax for the day. She had been so busy making appointments for Liam to see whatever specialists she could get her hands on. She was determined to make sure her son weathered the storm. On top of that she was dealing more and more with Michelle's paranoia. The visit with Dr. Harrington did little to convince Michelle that Carla was okay or give any indication as to her whereabouts. To be honest Maria sort of had an uneasy feeling about Dr. Harrington as well. When they arrived at her office, she was behaving in a manner Maria considered really unbecoming. But Maria just wanted to put all the Carla drama behind her and relax. Marcus offered to watch Liam and Dylan while Sean and Maria went to grab a drink. They slid into their regular booth and ordered.

"Vodka Tonic," Maria told Stella. It was her usual drink. Sean ordered a small beer. They both spotted Alex as soon as he walked in.

"I am trying to figure out his deal," said Sean. "It was strange Sally was whining that he wasn't coming into work, in fact she called his home about a billion times and he said he wasn't. And then all the sudden, he ends up showing up out of the blue ready to work."

"Hmmm," responded Maria. She thought about how well her and Alex had gotten on before he completely bailed on her. She blamed Michelle for that; she had obviously made him uncomfortable. Alex didn't seem to notice her; he was carrying a bulky fashionable man purse and seemed engrossed in a conversation on his cell phone. Maria couldn't stop staring, as he pulled out a big bulky book and placed in on the table.

"Earth to Maria! Hello Maria, are you going to pay attention to me or just spend the whole evening gawking at deep mysterious handsome man over there?"

"Well maybe I should just go over and say hello."

"Do what you want, Fiz will be here soon and Eileen to most likely. Just make it quick hey."

Maria was confused, Sean had been the one encouraging her to talk to Alex, what had changed? She got up and made her way towards the booth where Alex sat alone with a whole bunch of papers spread out on the table. He looked engrossed in the numbers laid out before him.

"Hello Alex," said Maria.

Frank looked up from his work and greeted her with warm eyes. "Maria, how are you? Please sit down."

Maria sat down immediately and felt at ease. "I am well, how are you? Listen I'm sorry about the last time we met and how Michelle was."

"No need to apologize Maria, really I was not bothered."

"Really, not at all?"

"Well maybe just a little bit I know how family can be."

"Ha-ha, well are you busy? I hope I am not interrupting."

Frank quickly shuffled his papers into a folder and placed them on a book. He gave Maria his full attention. "No not at all. Can I get you something to drink?"

Maria had completely forgotten that she left her Vodka Tonic at her booth with Sean.

"Let me see if I remember, you drink Vodka Tonic right?" He motioned Stella over and ordered a vodka tonic and a brandy.

Maria sat nervously; she had no idea what to talk about. He made her nervous and she didn't want to say anything just for the sake of talking. They stared at each other for a while and Alex looked mildly entertained. His attractive features flustered Maria. She dropped the intense eye contact and settled her attention on a book he had placed his work folder on.

"How do you have time to read?" Maria grabbed for the book examining it. The title looked familiar. It was Ovid's Metamorphoses. "And you don't read lightly," Maria added.

"No, I do not but I my life has always been one more inclined to work than play."

"Where's the fun in that?"

"My life has never been one of fun really. My parents never really allowed for that. The way they showed their love was through meticulous thought out plans on how to be a learned man. My childhood was one of countless discourse."

"And you were okay with that?"

"Well no Maria, but it was my life. When has a child ever been able to voice if the decisions their parents made were in fact okay to them."

Maria thought of her own son, she would want Liam to grow up knowing that he could always come to her with anything that he could always voice his concerns. She wanted him to know that he didn't always had to be okay with the circumstances that surrounded him, that it was okay to be angry. Maria herself wasn't okay with most of the things that happened in her life, she would never be okay with losing Liam. She would never be okay with what Carla and Liam had done to her. But she didn't want to think about that right now. Hastily she changed the subject.

"What's this about? This book, I know a quote from it?"

"Let me guess, the one about a pile of dust."

"Yeah, yeah that's exactly it, how did you know?"

"Because it's a really famous, quote from the text, but not the absolute best one in my opinion." Alex looked bemused and Maria began to feel stupid. "And it's a series of poems about love," he added in a whisper.

Just then Sean scurried by on his way to the men's washroom quickly mouthing his signature, "Just call me cupid."

Maria was utterly embarrassed and Alex raised his eyebrows. "Your friend gets it doesn't he, I guessed he's read this book."

"Oh Sean, he is just being his usual pushy self."

"So he is wrong, you don't like me?"

"I didn't say that!" Maria protested. Alex broke out into an infectious laughter.

"I was joking Maria. But I was hoping perhaps you would let me take you out sometime?"

Maria was ecstatic; she practically jumped out of her seat. "Yes please do! I mean yes I'd like that."

"Good," Alex whispered. His voice had become seductive. Just then his phone began to ring. "Maria this is an important call, do you mind waiting while I take it outside?"

"Not at all," Maria beamed as Alex headed for the front of the pub. He pushed past an entering Fiz and Eileen, who waved at Maria cheerfully.

"Crawford," Frank answered as soon as he was outside and a safe distance from any passing customers. "Have you done it?"

"Yes sir, I've done it. Carla Connor has for the time being taken a detour and wont be returning to Weatherfield for a time just like you asked."

"Good, that will keep her from Harrington and Gordon's clutches for a time. And you've gotten Helen and Barry?"

"Yes sir, they're tied up as we speak. It was Helen who I got to make the call to Carla to meet. She is being rather cooperative. I was expecting some difficulty, the way you described her."

"She is difficult Crawford, don't let your guard down once. I don't need Tony having access to her he did last time. You don't even know how much information she gave him."

"She had nothing to do with the trial last time."

"I know, but the thing about Gordon is that he has always been very clever. Tony has always been two steps ahead of his opponents. You don't even know the scope of what he managed to get her to reveal about Carla and Liam."

"Sir believe me when I say, I've worked in this business a long time and nothing ceases to amaze me. "

"Well then I'm impressed Crawford, your even further gone then I am. Because the gravity of what Helen Connor did to her own sons, I often wonder just how she manages to look at herself in the mirror everyday."

"That's where were different sir, I don't go looking for reason in anything whether it be love, hate, sadness, or whatever. Every emotion is irrational and therefore none can make logical sense. But your the learned man here, your life's work seems to be one of endless discourse. But I am warning you now sir, you can't afford to mess anything up."

"Yes, yes I know Crawford."

"And you're prepared for that sir? What this may do to you, whatever the cost?"

"Yes, I have to be."

"Then it is you is further gone. You have much further to fall and much more to lose then I ever have."

"To beat the villain you must become the bigger villain Crawford. I can be just as ruthless as Tony if need be."

"So you keep saying, but who knows whether there is truth in any of this. It is easy to say the words, to write them even, but to live them, I'm still unsure." There was a long pause, before Crawford continued, "But sir, I shall not keep you, you must be busy entertaining Maria."

"Yes I am actually. I haven't much time to get her on my side."

"Well then off you go."

Crawford ended the call and Frank turned back towards the direction of the Rovers. He felt elated his plan was going well so far and Tony was none the wiser.

Carla was in her hotel room enduring what would be her last night in Dublin. She had decided to go home, and had even taken the liberty of texting Michelle to tell her she'd be back in town tomorrow. Carla couldn't say whether the trip had brought her the peace she was looking for, but it definitely brought her some understanding. It was a step in the right direction. Carla decided that there was something she must do as soon as she arrived back in Manchester; she had to apologize to Dr. Harrington for the physical assault. If this trip had made Carla realize anything it was the romanticized view she held of her and the brothers relationship. She was nostalgic for the past to the effect that she convinced herself everything was always better then. To a degree it was, but she had acted like the pain had been non-existent when Liam and Paul were around. She needed a psychiatrists help to sort through her fallacies, biases, and general irrational thought. The only way things would get better was if she tried to frame her life in a different approach, one with fewer projections. She decided she would call Dr. Harrington tomorrow before she boarded the plan back home.

_Ring Ring_

Carla grabbed her phone; it was an unknown number, listed as private. She was hesitant to answer it at first but decided to pick it up after a few more moments.

"Hello," Carla answered.

There was a silence followed by a few muffled sounds and then a familiar voice it sent chills through Carla's entire body. She felt nothing but bitterness and deep despair. She was in a good place and this person threatened to ruin everything she had just accomplished.

"Carla?" Said Helen Connor's voice. "Carla is that you?"

"Yes," Carla answered. She was bewildered as to what she could possibly say next. She had not talked to Helen in years and there last meeting had been so traumatic for Carla she locked it away deep inside her mind and tried to forget about it. Carla was suddenly filled with rage; Tom couldn't keep his mouth shut about Carla being in Dublin. As soon as she was done with Helen, she was going to call him and scream at him. "Helen, how are you?"

"Fine," said Helen curtly. "Listen Carla, I know you've been in town for sometime. I just got back from Nice, and was wondering if you wanted to get together to talk?"

Carla thought of all the pain Helen had caused her, in all the years of them knowing one another, their talks usually consisted of accusatory heated arguments. Besides what could Helen really have to say, that she hadn't already said before? It would just be more of the usual, blaming Carla for all the poor decisions Paul made, and cursing the day she led her Liam astray. But then Carla reminded herself that negativity was the mainstay of the old her, the new her wanted to be more optimistic. The new her wanted to be able to stand proud in the face of those who tried to tear her down. She wanted to let Helen know that she wasn't sorry for having cared so deeply for her both her sons and that she would not apologize for any of the supposed wrongs and transgressions committed on her part.

"That I'll be fine Helen," Carla responded just as curtly. "Name the time and place and I'll be there."


	19. Chapter 19

Carla had to make it to the airport to catch her plane by mid afternoon; she had woken up extremely early that morning to make sure, she had everything in order. Though there wasn't much to organize because she came to Dublin with virtually nothing but her handbag, some money, and her passport. She had gotten a couple of outfits to wear while in Dublin, which she now carefully stowed in a simple carry bag purchased in the central part of the city. She tossed Paul's journal into her purse and shoved a baby giraffe she had purchased for Liam in her carry bag. She smiled as she did so, Carla knew little Liam loved giraffes and would be ecstatic when he saw it. She looked at the time on her mobile, it was 9:00 on a sunny Friday Morning. The town car Helen employed would be there soon to pick her up. Carla had tried to call Tom and tell him the strange feelings she had towards Helen wanting to reach out to her, but all attempts at calling him proved to be unsuccessful. Tom was virtually inaccessible.

As she waited in the foyer of the Hotel she was staying at, she saw a black town car drive up to the sliding doors. Carla made her way towards it, and old man got out and Carla couldn't help but feel a bit of a chill as they made eye contact. He had such expressionless eyes, they were grey and stoic, but his voice did not match them. The old man was very polite.

"Can I take your bag for you miss?"

"Yes please," said Carla giving her best attempt to be as optimistic as possible. The old man took her carry bag from her and opened the back door of the town car for her. She slid in and he closed it gently. Carla couldn't help but feel strange about the whole thing, why the expensive car to come pick her up. "You work for Helen and Barry Connor?"

"Yes miss, I do. Been employed for some years now. You know the Mrs. Connor is a well respected published poet around these parts?"

"Of course I do, I was her daughter in law at one time. She wrote a lovely set of anthologies. Lovely poems they were." Carla truly meant this, if there was one thing she admired about Helen was her ability to write interesting poems.

"Yes indeed, they were. A favorite of mine was _The Winding Road_. Have you ever read it?"

Carla had, she had read it countless times. It was the poem Helen wrote around the birth of her first son Paul.

"I have, that Poem was written for my husband you know? Well he's dead now, but it was written for him."

"Well aren't you a special one."

"How so? Helen Connor may be famous around the literary circles; she made a name for herself and quite the modest living for her family. But she always made sure I knew my place and that I wasn't apart of her world."

"Sorry miss, I spoke out of turn. I ought to learn to shut my mouth about things I know nothing about. Especially family, family has way of being all complicated and intertwined with hate and love. To much for me in my old age."

Carla could feel annoyance and anger beginning to creep up from within her and she hadn't even seen Helen yet. She said nothing more, as the town car headed out of the downtown into the suburbs towards the Connor family home.

Tony was ecstatic as he sat across from his lawyers Ms. Lawson and Mr. Cabot. He had just been granted parole for being a model prisoner and would be released into the custody of a doctor as the judge ordered, just to ensure he was stabilized and continued on the road to rehabilitation. His lawyers had pulled the strings necessary to make sure the doctor of choice was Dr. Katherine Harrington. Kate had joined them all at last and his lawyers quickly regaled him in their latest efforts concerning his case for exoneration.

"Tony it's impossible for you to be exonerated of all charges. Your lucky the courts were easy on you the last time when they gave you accessory to the crime in the case of Liam Connor. If you try and contest this, the victim's family will petition the courts at every turn", said Mr. Cabot.

"Do you really want to exhaust all the effort, the time, the man power, think about this Tony? You are free now", added Ms. Lawson.

Tony glared at his defense lawyers, especially taken care to shoot daggers in Ms. Lawson's direction. "I'm free now I'm I ? While it's a strange place to come then isn't it? I'm free with the accusatory stares still gleaming down at me making me out to be a mastermind and murder when I am nothing of the sort. I am still behind these cell walls and you call me free. What a joke!"

Ms. Lawson didn't even flinch, "Well you won't be in here much longer Mr. Gordon. And as for the claims of innocence, you and I both know that couldn't be further from the truth."

Suddenly as though second nature, Dr. Harrington jumped into to defend her beloved. "Those claims are baseless Ms. Lawson and you know it. Your client has never been proven to be explicitly apart of any murder plot. The crown relied to greatly on the testimony of disgruntled ex business partners and the testimony of a deranged love sick woman."

Ms. Lawson tried to stifle a laugh and looked at Dr. Harrington with great perplexity. She couldn't believe what she was hearing and turned to her partner Mr. Cabot, "Are you hearing what I'm hearing Cabot?"

Mr. Cabot looked uneasy and ignored Ms. Lawson's statement turning his direction to Tony. "The crown didn't think that Mr. Gordon, the crown believed every word of Carla Connor's testimony. You can't explain that all away when your activity leading up to the murder makes no sense. If your Dr. here is going to make outlandish claims she better have something to back them up with."

"And we do Mr. Cabot", said Dr. Harrington shrilly. " We have a lot of proof that Carla Connor was delusional. In fact we have so much information we could argue that Carla was suffering from a personality disorder."

"Oh yeah and what one is that?"

"Borderline Personality disorder. I treated her for a few months and just looking at her files the women has the classic symptoms. She showed signs of self-harming, victimization, substance abuse and an insecure attachment style. She also has the conflict often experience by people with the disorder in regards to her love life. And then there is the Louise question, I think I better unveil that one once on the stand."

"Assuming this even gets to court doctor. As for proof that is all your opinion. We need to do interviews with everyone who testified the last time; we need to see if the stories changed. We can't just go on you off shoot diagnosis. The prosecution will just put another doctor on to counter argue everything you say. We need something from the horses mouth."

Dr. Harrington reached down into her bag feeling around she pulled out a big box and placed it on the table in front of everyone. Mr. Cabot looked at it with inquiring eyes.

"What's this?" asked Ms. Lawson

Dr. Harrington stroked the box delicately, "This, well this Ms. Lawson is the horses mouth. We got ourselves our very own Pandora's box."

"There tapes," Tony added. "Tapes I've told very few people about before. I always thought them more incriminating to myself, but now I see they are more incriminating to my ex wife Carla. They are exactly what you need Ms. Lawson, they are exactly what's going to discredit Carla Connor's testimony in a court of law. They will expose her for the delusional pig she is!"

"Clearly," said Mr. Cabot who was more than eager to get to work.

Ms. Lawson stared across the table at her client and his doctor for a moment and then with precision said, "I have a feeling the only thing this whole circus will expose is that you Mr. Gordon, clearly think yourself to have no delusions about your own delusions."

BANG BANG

Maria was startled she had just put Liam down for his nap and was about to get ready for her date with Alexander Lawrence. He had finally asked her to dinner the previous day and they decided to get a quick bit to eat at Nick's restaurant down the street. That way if Liam was fussy, she could get home early to attend to him. Michelle reluctantly agreed to baby sit, and Maria assumed it must have been her banging eradicately on the front door. Maria rushed down the stairs and opened the door.

"Took you long enough Maria," said Michelle slipping inside and shoving past Maria into the kitchen. For some reason she was holstering her mac book pro cord and all dragging on the floor. Maria noticed Michelle looked like she lacked proper sleep, and she felt uneasy about whether leaving Liam with her would be a good idea.

"Did you even shower, much less comb your hair before coming over hear Michelle?"

"I had the day off. I told you last night Carla texted me to say she'd be back in Manchester. She told me she'd be in by 2pm, gave me the terminal and everything Maria. I went to the airport and she never showed up. I tried calling her and her phone is dead. I am worried Maria, what if something happened to her?"

"Well we'd have no way of knowing would we? She never really told us where she was going Michelle."

Michelle looked for a power outlet and shoved her computer cord into it before jumping up onto the kitchen stool. She clicked on the icon for Skype.

"Oh what now Michelle? Are you gonna try skping her to? You know maybe she just wants to be left alone."

Michelle swung around the movement making her tousled hair even more so and glared at Maria, "Well if you must know today has made me rather emotional. I was thinking I wanted to Skype my son. His name is Ryan maybe you've heard of him. I'd like to see that he is okay and in the flesh." Michelle clicked on Ryan's icon and waited patiently as it rung. Maria took this as her leave to go, and was headed towards the stairs. "Stay Maria! Ryan will want to say hello!"

Maria rolled her eyes and turned around just as Ryan took up Michelle's computer screen.

"Hello mum."

"Hello Ryan love. How are you?"

"Good, good. Hey Maria!" Ryan beamed at Maria from the computer. Maria returned the gesture with great warmth.

"Hello Ryan, how's school? I hope you're not studying too hard."

"Me, never." Ryan turned his attention back to his mother. "So mum, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

Before Michelle could answer Maria said, "Your mum is worried about your auntie Carla, seems she's disappeared. Your mum got all paranoid and decided she better call to make sure you hadn't disappeared to."

Ryan started to laugh that infectious Connor laugh, "Mum is this for real?"

"Yes, and I don't know what's so funny Ryan!"

"Aww mum I'm not laughing at you really, but your overreacting. Carla hasn't disappeared. I talked to cousin Tom last week or so, he told me Carla was in Dublin, she went to visit gran and grandpa's house. She wanted to look at some of Paul's old stuff get comfort."

"Why didn't you tell me Ryan? You know I almost had a heart attack."

"Well it wasn't for me to tell, and Tom made me promise not to. Carla already swore him to secrecy, and he didn't want to betray her trust. So I kept the secret, plus I figured aunt Carla probably just needed peace of mind. She doesn't seem much herself anymore."

"Oh Ryan, your just like your uncle Liam you know that? Your so sensitive to the way everyone is feeling, you are always looking out for your auntie."

"She is my family mum, I love her."

Maria felt like she was going to puke. She didn't want to hear any mushy things when it came to Carla. She most especially didn't want to hear about any insinuation as to the depth of her dead husbands pervasive love for his sister in law. This family being raised staunch Catholics clearly liked to ignore the 9th commandment. I was a sin to covet the neighbor's wife, and it was worst to covet your own brothers. She couldn't wait to have her date with Alex.

"But mum, I got a call from cousin Tom about a day ago, I missed it when I was out at the pub and when I got home I tried to call him back but he wouldn't pick up. I tried back this morning and still no answer. So maybe you should just give him a ring to make sure everything really is ok."

"Okay love I will."

"Okay cool, now sorry mum but I'm going to go out with a couple of classmates. I'll talk to you later."

"Okay my baby, love you."

"Love you mum, and I love you to Maria. Tell Liam I love him to."

"Okay goodbye Ryan, and I love you to. I will send Liam your love."

Ryan dropped the connection and right away Michelle reached for her mobile phone. "I'm gonna call Tom right now." She dialed his number and waited patiently, no answer. She repeated the process five times in a row to no avail. "Well this is worrisome."

Maria couldn't help but agree. What were the chances that both Carla and Tom would have dead phones, while they were both in Dublin? What if something sinister really did happen to Carla? Maria thought to herself, if something bad had happened to her, she would want someone to be looking for her, for someone to care.

"Michelle, try your mum and dads. Didn't they just get back from their break in Nice?"

"Yes, yes they did. You are brilliant Maria, I had almost forgotten." Michelle punched her parent's number into her mobile and waited. There was no response just the answering machine. "Maria,' said Michelle gravely, "Something isn't right. Something terrible has happened in Dublin I can feel it."

Maria felt a chill run through her body for she too had this sudden intuition that something was terribly wrong. "What are we gonna do Michelle?"

Michelle slide off the kitchen stool, "Well I don't know about you, but I am driving to the airport right now and getting the first flight out to Dublin."

"Maybe we should call the police."

"And say what Maria? That we haven't been able to contact a whole bunch of family for a few days and that I'm a basket case you can't afford to lose anymore family. No I don't think so, the Connors get things done on their own."

"Well then, I'm coming with you." At first Maria had said it out of obligation, because she felt she had to. But the more she thought about it, the more she realized she really wanted to make sure everyone was okay, even Carla. Michelle simply loved Carla, and because Maria loved Michelle she could put aside her animosity for the moment and be there for Michelle in her moment of need.

"What about your date, and little Liam?"

"What about it? I can always reschedule for another time. Alex will understand and if he doesn't well screw him."

Michelle gasped and started to laugh. "But Liam, can we leave him with Sean?"

"No I prefer to take him with us. I want my baby to be safe and the only way to ensure that is if I can keep a watchful eye over him. When we get to Dublin we should call the police first thing."

"Okay fine I guess I can compromise with the Irish police makes more sense anyways. Also I think we should try to leave by midnight. It will be out of the prying eyes of the nosy street."

"I agree we don't need Sally gossiping. Let me just walk over to the Factory now and cancel with Alex." Maria headed for the front door and opened it to leave when Michelle called to her.

"Maria."

"Yeah?"

"Thanks, thanks for coming with me, even after all you feel for Carla, it means a lot."

"I know, and you're welcome." Maria smiled and headed out into the street. She noticed she didn't feel so hostile and angry anymore. It felt nice.

Frank sat in the office at underworld listening to the events unfold around him. He will still consistently bugging Dr. Harrington's every movement and was lucky to privy to a great amount of information. His bug on the cassette box was proving to be very useful. Tony had been granted bail it seemed but was now on a crusade for completely exonerating himself in the murder of Liam Connor. His lawyers had told him that fresh new testimony from Carla was necessary and Frank smirked, as he knew it would be impossible for Tom to get to Carla while Crawford held her hostage. But then there was still the issue of Michelle and Maria; the lawyers would want statements from them to. How could Frank stop that from happening? He considered kidnapping Maria after their date tonight and holding her at one of his countryside properties, but then Michelle would be suspicious and because she didn't seem one to ever stop, wouldn't sleep until she found out where Maria was. So Frank had to scrap that plan.

Then there was the issue of what to do with Carla. Frank was considering killing her, and then he could frame Tony Gordon for the crime and eliminate any chances of ever being identified as her rapist. The power Tony held over him, the guilt he was sure would then cease to exist. He could finally have Tony bought to justice for Louise's murder and then he would finally have his revenge. Plus killing Carla would really stick it to Tony and Dr. Harrington, their plans of psychological warfare had been dismal at best and killing Carla would bring about Tony's greatest fear, that Carla would be reunited with her precious Liam in death. He sat perplexed with the countless options of how to act, when Maria came stomping through the factory.

"Alex," Maria called out.

"In here," Frank replied

"Hey," Maria said breathlessly as she stood in the doorway of his office. "How are you?"

"I'm good. You're early though, our date isn't tell a bit later."

"I came to talk to you about that actually," said Maria sheepishly.

Frank couldn't help but feel a bit bad that he was considering kidnapping her a few moments earlier.

"Is everything okay? Is your son alright?"

"Oh yes he has never been better. Look I have to cancel and I'm really sorry but something's come up and I have to leave for Dublin in a little while.

"Dublin?" said Frank at once. He thought to himself what the fuck did she want in Dublin.

"Yeah," said Maria rambling on oblivious to Franks changing demure. "Yeah Dublin. Something came up with my in laws, and a cousin. A lot of stressful stuff, I'm sure you wouldn't be interested. Anyways I have to reschedule, I hope it's okay."

Frank sat processing the information. He knew it was dire that Maria and Michelle never got to Dublin, and the wheels in his head where spinning a new opportunity had arose. Perhaps he could pin not just one murder on Tony Gordon, but also three. And he could pin it on Doctor Harrington to. She had been hostile he remembered when Michelle and Maria came to her inquiring about Carla. He could make it seem like they were killed because they wanted to know about Carla's whereabouts from Dr. Harrington. Since he was going to pin Tony for Carla's murder, it made sense that the love crazed doctor could be working to protect her love (it had some merit), and committed murder as to stop suspicion. It was all too perfect. Slowly he got up from his chair putting on the most charming smile he could muster leaned into to hug Maria.

"Of course it's okay Maria, family is important."


	20. Chapter 20

**Just making it known that I have used a quote from Terrance Malik's the Tree of Life pertaining to nature and grace. Just wanted to cite it and inform readers it is not my own quote. Also warning about the sex scene in this section it is rather graphic.**

"My father used to tell me when I was a little girl, there are two ways through life, the way of nature and the way of grace. You have to choose which one you will follow."

Carla had arrived back at the Connor property, dropped in the long driveway; she climbed her way to the front door. The home had suddenly lost its angelic feel it no longer felt welcoming. Helen wore a sneer on her face as she answered the door and motioned Carla in. Carla noted that she had not yet unpacked her suitcases; they remained riddled in the front area at the base of the stairs. This was strange because Helen had always been so tidy.

Still as Carla was motioned into the kitchen, there were no formalities, Helen only directed her to have a seat before she shared with Carla the saying her father told her as a child. Right away Carla felt Helen's judgment cascading upon her. This house had a way of making her feel locked in time and she felt like she was 12 years old all over again, trying to pry herself from Helen's watchful mistrustful gaze.

"My father used to say that to me everyday, and when I had children of my own I told them the same. "

"Why are you telling me this Helen?" Carla said rather pointedly. Helen looked at her with those cold blue eyes, they were so much like Liam's but they had always lacked the warmth and the light.

"Because you think I am the enemy."

"You are Helen, you poisoned my relationship with both your sons, when Paul died you banished me from your home," Carla responded. "Nothing you say, no amount of philosophical quotes is ever going to change that!"

Helen sat with almost a vacant expression on her face, if she had taken anything Carla had said into consideration she showed no signs of it. She continued in her own philosophical narrative.

"Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them, to have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when the entire world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things. But Grace, Grace Carla is much different. It doesn't try to please itself. It accepts being slighted, forgotten, and disliked. It accepts insults and injuries."

There was a silence as Carla took Helen's words in. The kitchen clock chimed in the background and she became entranced, lost in its rhythm.

"I not going to pretend I ever liked you Carla. The first time Michelle brought you to this home, I saw you for what you were. You were a child of nature."

"I was 12," Carla whispered. She didn't know how to react to what Helen was saying. "You didn't even know me, what gave you the right to decide what I was, to make that judgment was unfair."

"You are what you are Carla. And it would be a lie to say I didn't pity you at first. You came from the wrong side of the tracks, couldn't help it that your mum was an addict. You couldn't help that you had no one around for protection. You looked around as a child, and you didn't see any God anyone who cared."

"No one did care. My mother drank, and my brother ran away because he wanted to be anywhere but here."

"And everyone left you, I know your story Carla. My insight for the profound works of literature, the experience, it means I understand your life more then you ever have. Carla you are the nature."

Carla thought of her childhood. There many times she had gone to bed hungry, so many times one of her mum's boyfriends beat her up. She had always cried out in anger during these attacks, wondering why her mother just stood there impassively watching her own daughter being abused. Carla had giving up on God along time ago, he had ceased to exist for her the moment her brother abandoned her and left her to fend for herself. What else had she had to rely on, she had only herself, only she could be counted onto to change her circumstance. She was the nature, because nature had offered her a hand when God wouldn't. She wasn't sorry for wanting to make herself happy at other people's expense, when she was so often shafted. So if that made her absent from God's grace so be it.

"I pitied you for a time Carla," Helen continued. " However I never wanted you to be close with my daughter as you would later become. I saw that you were not well equipped for the world, that you didn't understand that things were not meant to be fair. And then I saw the way my Liam looked at you, he was always a curious little boy. I knew then you had to go, but Barry didn't agree with me. He always took the Catholic notions of charity to a whole other level."

Carla remembered Barry had always been especially kind to her. He was the one who often made sure Carla stayed for dinner and got a decent meal. He was the one who even told Michelle to pack Carla a lunch everyday and bring it to school with her. Barry always made sure she got home safe, and when the school introduced uniforms he had footed the bill for Carla's. He helped her with her homework, and took the time to help her catch up to her appropriate reading level. He was the one who made her belong while Helen glared on with disapproving eyes. Carla assumed now Helen was attempting to explain to her, why she never approved of Carla's presence around her family.

"I watched my three children quickly become armored to the newest addition. I thought that you'd be a novelty that you'd wear off. But then you didn't and I could see you slowly pulling my sons in. For a time Carla, I believed you didn't even know. I mean how could you, you were 12 and didn't quite know the effects that a mysterious female can have on the male psyche. But you figured it out."

"What? You think I planned this all? You think I planned for all the things that happened with Liam and Paul, all the tragedies?"

"Yes Carla I do believe that. It is your very nature which allows you such things."

"I don't believe this," Carla was just about ready to leave.

"Remember when Barry asked you what your favorite literary character was? My husband always enthused for the subject of whom he dedicated 35 amazing years was in complete wonderment of your answer. Do you remember what you said?"

"Daisy Buchanan," said Carla almost immediately.

Helen stared at her triumphantly as though had all proven a point somehow. Then like a walking encyclopedia she quoted _The Great Gatsby_, "…They were careless people, Tom and Daisy-they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness, or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they made."

Carla wanted to laugh, was this the best that Helen could come up with in an attack. "Oh so what? Am I Daisy Buchanan now, was my revelation some self fulfilling prophecy Helen?"

"Yes, you are just as selfish, just as reckless. You've moved through my family not caring what you did to the very people who gave you a chance! You were all about yourself, you only ever wanted to please yourself and have others please you to. You liked the way my boys fawned over you, so much in fact you didn't care if it turned brother against brother. You didn't care if they fell from grace. My boys were such good boys until they met you."

"Helen I feel sorry for you! If that is what you think that I intently went through life trying to ruin your family. I admire the methods you have chosen to try and reveal this to me, and I guess in a strange twisted way it explains you hatred for me. You saw me as the nature that corrupted the grace of your three beautiful children, you see me like I am some sort of demon, Leviathan even. Paul told me that you called me that all the time. You said I was a wriggling serpent always trying to wriggle my way into your family."

"You did!"

"Well congratulations, you did manage to corrupt Liam against me for a time. Your strong emphasis for Christian imagery couldn't be lost on any of your children. You must have been mad when your lecture on nature and grace didn't follow through and they decided to be friends with me anyways." Carla grabbed her handbag, she looked at the kitchen clock, it was time she left for the airport if she wanted to catch her flight and get home to Manchester.

"So when you slept with _my son _Liam the night before your marriage to my other son Paul, was that by way of nature or by way of grace?"

Carla looked back at Helen, her cold blue eyes angry and triumphant. She had found Carla's weakness the source of her guilt. Carla didn't know what to say, she had known that Helen knew, she had watched in on them and her hatred for Carla only intensified from that moment but she had never once bought it up since that night, at least not until today.

Again Helen spoke, he voice as demeaning as ever, "Tell me Carla, was it by way of nature or by way of grace?"

"What took you so long Ross?" Frank was sitting in his office at underworld when Ms. Lawson Tony Gordon's lawyer came stomping in.

"I got here as soon as I could Frank," Ms. Lawson replied breathlessly. "As you well may know today was a busy day. My client Mr. Gordon has finally been granted bail and is a freeman. Phillip of course stayed back to help with the processing, and before long he shall be living under the care of Doctor Harrington."

"Sounds like everything is in order then. That Mr. Cabot has always been a good sport I must say I admire him a great deal always managing to smile when in the presence of those imbeciles."

"Well one of those imbeciles is still my client Frank, be kind." Ms. Lawson propped her briefcase on Frank's office desk. "Now I have all the papers here you asked for."

"Everything? The deeds, the off shore accounts?"

"Yep," Ms. Lawson handed the briefcase to Frank and he opened it swiftly. He shuffled through the papers.

"Good, you've managed to change the owner of the offshore accounts back under Tony's name. No more Mr. Alexander Benjamin Lawrence."

"Yes sir. So I take it your down with the whole thing then? What do you plan for the future?"

"I don't know yet. Maybe I will travel the world, probably visit my parents, my father is on a archeological dig in Egypt and the last I spoke to my mother she was holed up in some quaint hotel in Florence. She has recently developed the urge to study the history of banking, she is obsessed with the Medici's now."

Ms. Lawson raised an eyebrow, "Wish I could say it sounds enthralling but I can't. I'd rather spend my free time vacationing in Bath."

"My grandfather has a house up there. If you ever want to go just say the word and I'll give you the key Ross."

"Sounds like a bribe for secrecy."

"It may be," Frank winked at her closing the suitcase. "But I have always trusted you Ross. You can't stand Tony either, and anyways when his whole exoneration case goes to shambles you will want to be as far away from all of this as ever. Tony will use anything illegal you may have done to help him and turn it on you. Your license could be in danger."

"But I didn't do anything illegal."

"You knew about it though. You knew about the creation of a fake business partner by the name of Alexander Lawrence that got Carla to accept on bids for shares in underworld, and you knew about the offshore accounts under this created persons name. I think after this moment it is smartest to forget Alexander Lawrence ever existed, in fact after tonight he will cease to exist."

"Well then it was nice having him around while it lasted. Now good day to you sir, and have a wonderful vacation, spend time with the family and whatever else it is you'll get up to. If you have no more use for me, I think I'd better get home to the husband and children."

"Thank you Ross for everything and hopefully we will cross paths from time to time in the future."

"Goodbye Frank."

Ms. Lawson left the office and Frank was bracing for a big night ahead. Slowly he opened his desk up and pulled out a bag, it was time to change clothes and get to work. He quickly put on a sweat suit so different from the dapper look he was used to sporting and slides on a pair of gloves. He looked outside, it was getting dark he had a lot to do and had to act quickly. He grabbed the key that Crawford had giving him, the one for Carla's flat and a pair of pliers the time is near 8:00 pm.

"Okay so were gonna need some crackers and cheese, maybe some apple juice or should I make that orange juice." Maria was in her kitchen, packing a snack bag for little Liam while Michelle hoarded her luggage near the front hall.

"Who cares Maria? You're not going to be able to take it on the plane anyways. Liam can live for a few hours without crackers and cheese. I am sure of it, and besides dearie we have to leave for the airport soon and you aren't even near being packed."

"I thought you said we were leaving around midnight, you know to evade Sally Webster's prying eyes."

"Oh I don't give a toss about Sally Webster or whoever else wants to watch," Michelle said irritably. "Frankly she can watch all night if she wants to. I can't wait to tell Carla about all the nasty things that cow has said while she's been gone. Lets see her try and make time to spy when she needs to look for a job."

"Have a heart Michelle, she has to feed Sophie, Rosie, Sian and Jack."

"Oh whatever," said Michelle rolling her eyes. "Get packing already and what about little Liam?"

"He's sleeping Michelle so don't be a witch and wake him. The packing you keep nagging me about will go a lot quicker if he isn't all up and about."

Michelle had stopped listening to Maria and went to the front window of the adjacent living room. She had moved apart the curtains and was peering out.

"Maria," Michelle beckoned. "Come over her quickly."

Maria rushed over and was just about to turn on the light when Michelle cautioned her not too. She went and peered out the drapes. They were in view of Carla's flat, which had been absent for weeks, but tonight they saw that a light inside was on.

"Strange," said Maria. " Do you think Carla could be back?"

"I don't know. If she was we would have seen her arrive on the street, the gossip would have spread like wildfire."

"Well then who is over at her flat?"

"I don't know Maria, but I intend to find out right now."

Michelle was heading for the door, when Maria grabbed onto her sweater to stop her.

"Are you mad? Michelle it could be dangerous. We should at least call the police first."

"Well I don't have time for that Maria, we have a flight to catch. I just want to take a quick look is all," Michelle removed Maria's hands from her sweater and headed out the door.

For a moment Maria stood staring out into the street, then she grabbed her house keys quickly from the kitchen counter. That damn Michelle was always putting her in compromising situations. Maria went stumbling out of the house to join Michelle.

They were all the things Carla didn't want to remember and she was remembering them all over again like it was yesterday. Helen had practically restrained her in the kitchen chair that Carla was taken aback by the strength of her. She looked deranged almost like she wasn't really present. Carla tried to break free, but Helen wouldn't allow it. Carla finally released that Helen was going to make her relive every moment of her and Liam's betrayal.

_Carla tried to break free from under him, but he held her in the chair blocking her passage to freedom. All the thoughts that were going through her head, he knew her, knew what she was afraid of, he knew all the right things to say. She would always love him. His voice was now grave, and as he spoke he said each word with such vulnerability Carla had never witnessed before._

"…_I did the most dangerous thing coming here tonight telling you that I loved you. But it had to be done Carla. If I could bring myself here tonight and get through my fear for you, you can get through your fear for me. We're never going to be safe, so are you brave enough or aren't you?"_

_She wasn't brave enough, but how could she ever tell him so. She didn't want to lose him, but she was being selfish because the very fact that she was marrying Paul tomorrow meant that she would. All she wanted at this moment was to kiss Liam, be with Liam it was what would please her most. She lived for this moment she took what was hers._

_He laid her down on the bed carefully removing his shirt. Carla closed her eyes and felt his hands moving up her legs near her thighs. Gently he slid off her underwear after a moment she felt his mouth on hers and she opened her lips nervous at first even a little hesitant before she pushed her tongue in his mouth. She was filled with warmth and the need to hold him, to touch his beautiful skin, dark brown hair. He guided her hands across the terrains of his body; she felt his muscles and his bones she looked at him in marvel. Liam grinned at her, amused by her delicate touch. She raised her body up to press against his and slowly he raised up her nightgown, pulling it gently over her head. His face shone with deep desire and after a moment he lifted Carla's chin and kissed her throat. She whispered his name as he moved his head lower and brushed his lips over breasts._

_They were both breathing heavily now, and like second nature Carla grabs for him. She wanted him now and he began to move inside of her. She heard herself give little gasps of excitement and Carla could feel the hotness of his breath, his gasps turning into cries. She felt herself convulsing beneath him, and when she looked into his crystal blue eyes all she think was how perfect they felt together…_

_She was too exhausted to speak and had no strength to move but she could feel Liam's arms wrapped around her. Carla thought to herself, this is what it should have been. She should be marrying Liam, not Paul. She turned to face Liam, who had been playing with her long black hair. He was beaming, and looking at her with such wonderment, like he was only just now seeing her._

"_Hello pretty girl," Liam whispered. His head was flopped on one of the white pillows his dark brown hear as tousled as ever. He grabbed her fingers and kissed them._

_Carla giggled she was surprised how cheerful she felt in this moment, she felt alive._

"_Stop it Liam," she said playfully. Then she turned serious, "You know you make me want to live to be a hundred."_

"_I make everyone want to live to be a hundred," said Liam jokingly._

"_I'm serious Liam, you make me want to shout from the roof tops and walk old ladies across the road."_

"_Now that is a sight I'd love to see. As a matter of fact I'd pay to see it." Liam grabbed Carla in another embrace and she felt like she was in heaven, like nothing could ruin this moment. But then just as she had felt some elation, the guilt overcame her…Paul._

_What have I done? Carla thought and then she burst out into tears. Liam began to kiss her tears away, but it became unbearable._

"_Baby girl why are you crying? I hate to see those tears, you know that."_

"_Liam please don't."_

"_Don't what? Stop kissing your tears, or something else?"_

"_Please don't make me say it," Carla whispered. "Please don't make me say it."_

_But without saying it, Carla had made it clear to Liam that she was still going to marry Paul that she still didn't trust that he could take care of her completely. She felt the distance growing between them, slowly creeping out into oblivion. Liam let out an almost callous laugh he was clearly wounded._

"_After all of this, after all of THIS and you still choose him?" His voice was cracking and he was on the brink of tears. Carla herself was unable to stop hers from flowing._

"_He's your brother, my fiancé. What do you expect me to do Liam?"_

"_How about not marry him after you gave yourself to me."_

"_I don't want you to hate me Liam, but I can't have him hate me either."_

_Liam was now reaching for his boxers and sliding them on. "You know I can't believe I ever thought I'd have a chance. I can't believe I thought things would be different!"_

"_Liam," said Carla almost pleading, she was surprised by his indignation. _

"_You once told me that I had you and I gave you away, chose others and that that was the reason we couldn't be together. But tonight, tonight just proves that I never had you Carla, not truly. I mean I came here fighting for you tonight."_

"_I love you, but I feel things for Paul too. I'm confused."_

"_You're not confused, not at all. In fact I am certain you like it sometimes. You like having Paul and me both. You know what you want, you know the risks that are involved but you're too scared. You'd rather spend your life in a loveless marriage lamenting on what could have been." Liam now grabbed his shirt. "While here is a little memory for you to remember me by, How's that? You can relive it over and over in your world of fear and regret Lock it in time if you really want to."_

"_It isn't all my fault!"_

"_You're right, some of this is mine to. I let you get all these ideas in your head; I was selfish I played my games. But the difference is I grew up! I saw something I wanted slipping away and I was prepared to fight for it."_

"_You grew up Liam! I am pretty sure you are still screwing Olivia, wherever she is at the moment. I'm marrying Paul, I have to marry Paul. It makes no difference now. It doesn't matter what I feel, or what I say, I'll never make right with anyone. I'm just asking you to accept my decision and not hate me."_

_Liam made his way to the door but turned one last time cupping Carla's cheek in his hand. "Go on get married to him then, see how long the marriage will last. Just know that you will never feel this way about anyone else. You will go to bed missing me and wake up wishing I was there."_

_The tears were flowing down Carla's face once more._

"_I don't hate you Carla, I could never hate you. I just sad for you, I wonder what could have happened to you in your life to make you feel like this decision is the only way out."_

_Liam opens the door and walks down the hallway, Carla watches him go fearing she has lost him for this time._

_Then she turns back in the direction of her room and from the other side of the hall she sees Helen Connor staring at her with narrow blue eyes, she knew everything._

"So tell me Carla was it by way of nature or by way of grace?"

Carla bought herself back to reality once more and was staring into the narrow blue eyes of Helen Connor.

"By way of nature or grace Carla? I'm not letting you go until you admit the selfish thing you did to my son Paul."

"By nature," whispered Carla. She could feel the tears forming in her face.

"Oh you're ashamed now?" Helen said in a mocking tone. "Why is that?"

"Because, I never meant to hurt Paul. I did care about him." Carla was now rocking back in forth in the chair to steady herself. She was convulsing and shaking uncontrollably. " I feel ashamed because he never knew, to think Paul never knew."

"Oh Carla," Helen's voice was deadly and full of so much hatred and spite. "That's where you're wrong."

Carla stopped crying almost immediately she felt the blood drain from her body.

"What do you mean?"

"He knew, I finally told him. I couldn't keep that secret from him any longer. Especially when he came to me and told me he was going to try for a baby. He didn't believe me that day, remember that week you all had come down to Dublin. And everyone went out for dinner, Michelle, Tom, Ryan, Kara , Andrew, and our Tom. Everyone met Serena and Mark at the restaurant and Paul came late."

"What did you tell him?" Carla could feel her sorrow turning into anger.

"I only told him the truth, that you and Liam were at the house together alone and that he better check up on you."

"He died!" Carla shouted before convulsing into sobs once more.

"No not when he was on his way there. He died on his way from the house after he had seen something; I think you know exactly what I am talking about. So herein lies the answer you have so desperately sought all these years as to why I hate you."

"I don't understand."

"Your so willfully blind it's sickening. You stole my sons diary you can read about it all in there."

"Now Helen, I think I given you enough time to have your fun." The old town car driver had entered the kitchen he was dressed in different attire. "I think it is time for her to join the others."

"NO! I'm not done yet, she doesn't understand and I need to make her!"

"The girl is visibly shaken. You can take a rain check."

"What is going on? Who are you and where are you taking me? What others are you talking about?"

The old man looked at Carla with his grey stoic eyes.

"Now miss, don't make me chloroform you."


	21. Chapter 21

"Be quite Maria! We have to make sure to evade detection."

Maria and Michelle had managed to scurry over to Carla's home it was now after 8:30 pm and the street was completely dark. They had reached the front door of the flat to find it was locked only to go over to the back. They had better luck and rushed inside.

"Carla?" Michelle called out before Maria slapped her. "Ouch, why'd you do that for?"

"Because Michelle you are being absolutely daffed and ridiculous. You give me a lecture about avoiding detection in an abandoned flat and the first thing you do when we get inside is alert the occupant they've been found out."

"Well sorry, I wasn't thinking alright."

They were standing in the kitchen now.

"Should I turn on the light or what?" Michelle asked.

"No, lets use my key chain flashlight and maneuver around if we can."

The light from the key chain was minimal at best and the two were squinting profusely.

"I can't see a bloody thing," whined Maria.

"Well where was the light coming from?"

"The living room area, I think, lets attempt to get there."

"Well all we have to do is look for light under a door crack."

"No shit Maria," said Michelle irritably.

"Do you want me to deck you Michelle, do you need a black eye?"

"Oh yeah Maria I am sure you have it in you. You deck me and you can walk to Dublin."

"Ha, I will probably just not go then."

CREAK

"Shut it Maria. Did you just hear that creaking noise?"

"No."

"Well be quite, maybe we'll hear it again."

The two women listened in silence but the sound did not repeat. They walked down the hall and saw light illuminating underneath Carla's bedroom door.

"Down here, lets go," said Michelle grabbing Maria's arm and leading the way.

They opened up the door to find a perfectly tidy bedroom nothing looked array at all. Maria let her eyes comb over Carla's dresser while Michelle went into the bathroom. Suddenly she let out a scream and Maria rushed over to the scene. She didn't see anything worth screaming over, she just saw Michelle clutching a man's sweater.

"What? What is it Michelle, you practically give me a heart attack and then I come over here to find you clutching some god damn sweater." Maria stood looking rather haughty.

"This isn't just any sweater Maria. There are only two like this in the whole wide world."

"Oh really?" said Maria. She was far from convinced.

Michelle stepped closer to Maria and lifted up the right sleeve. Carla could see a golden pendant sewn onto it.

"Do you see this? Carla only ever did this for two men in her life. The first one is back in my childhood home in Dublin. It belonged to Paul. The second time she sewed a pendant onto a sweater she gave it to Tony Gordon!"

Maria was taken aback.

"It's not possible, he's in jail. He can't be here can he?"

Michelle's eyes widen and then a look of horror came over her face. She looked like she was going to faint. Maria rushed to give her some support and keep her legs from giving out.

"Of course," Michelle whispered. "I missed the parole hearing. Carla is the one that always goes. I got my notices but I just assumed she would take the responsibility…"

Maria's eyes widened, "But she hasn't been here. So she missed the hearing."

"And now he's out, oh my god Maria he's out and he's been back here!"

"No calm down Michelle we don't know that for sure."

"There isn't any other explanation! I saw him wear this sweater it has to be him. Oh gosh we better get back Maria, little Liam is alone in the house."

Maria helped Michelle to steady herself and they clambered out of Carla's room.

"If what your saying is true about Tony, we need to leave right away."

Frank stood in the doorway of the little boys room watching him sleep. He looked so peaceful and Frank tried to remember the last time he had had any such peace. Louise had often been able to sleep very easily as a child and Frank was envious of her ability to continue existing in such traumatic situations. She had always been able to adjust to whatever country their parents had them travelling to, and didn't seem to mind being home schooled. Frank on the other hand was always etching for a life outside the same old, same old of anthropology conferences and historical debates. He wanted freedom and when he was 14 his grandfather a wealthy real estate entrepreneur took him under his wing away from all that.

Louise was 12 at the time and she remembers when the time came for them to say goodbye she couldn't stop crying. But Frank assured her he would always be with her. He had told her time would not change them, and she so boldly replied that time was the devourer of all things, Ovid had been at work in there young minds even then.

Frank looked at the boy who is called little Liam and he thought that this was very much true. He was young, never to know his father and if Franks plan worked time would ensure his mother be devoured. He wouldn't remember any of them and in the essence of time they would mean nothing. Was this who he was to be, a murderer? He was already a rapist. He had ruined Carla, the day he raped her at Tony's insistence. He could have said no, but he did not. And it is at this point he comes to a cross roads, he remembers his father sitting him down as a little boy as they read through the works of Saint Thomas More, there was the part where Thomas talks about Anne Boleyn and why he would not attend her coronation.

Thomas tells of an Emperor who deems a certain offence punishable by death unless the offender was a virgin. The first person to commit the crime is a virgin so the Emperor's council is perplexed at what to do. The Emperor responses:_ "Why make you so much ado, my lords, about so small a matter? Let her first be deflowered, and then after may she be devoured."_ Those words have stuck with Frank everyday since he first read them. He had reasoned in his head that the evil he had done was justified and if by some chance it wasn't he would make it so. The only reason he was going to kill Maria, Michelle, and Carla is because he saw them as a means to an end. He would in humanize them in order to carry out the task. His father would probably never dream his son would put his knowledge of historical texts to use in such a way.

Frank slowly walks over to little Liam's bedside and pulls from his pocket a small jar of sand. He collected it as a boy when he went on trips with his grandfather in the summer.

"For luck," Frank whispers. Slowly he backs out of the room and shuts the door.

Maria threw whatever clothing she could get her hands on into a small duffle bag and quickly packed her son a little carry bag of clothes. She made sure she packed his favorite book _I'll love you forever_, and his worn out pet giraffe. Slowly she went into his room and smiled. It was a smile weighed with many things, the day had been long and stressful and she was just glad that Liam didn't have to be apart of all of this. Maria walked over to Liam's bedside and gently taps him on the shoulder.

"Baby, you've got to get up now. Momma, you and auntie Michelle are going on a trip now."

Little rubs his eyes with his knuckles and looks up at his mother. He doesn't cry at being risen so soon, he seems content and just hold out his hand for Maria to take it. Maria slides a green sweater over him to ensure he is warm and the child beams at her with his blue eyes, his fathers in everyway.

"Go alone baby, Auntie Michelle is waiting for you." Liam stumbles but manages to gain his stepping and goes towards the stairs. Maria hopes Michelle doesn't have difficulty putting on his leg brace.

Maria's eyes comb the scope of her son's room and she feels herself getting very emotional. She doesn't know why she feels like such a basket case, or suddenly why she has such a foreboding feeling. But it is like; she knows that this may be the last time she is standing in her son's room. She wants to make the most of it while she can, before he grows up to hate her and feel like all she ever cared about was being angry.

"I wasn't like that baby. Mummy wasn't always so angry, she was just scared and sad." Maria talks to herself. Then she spots it a tiny glass jar, almost like a vile resting on Liam's bedside table. Strange, she thinks, I don't remember putting this there. She picks it up and examines it closely. It seems to be full of sand, so strange. She puts it pack down and with one last looks turns off Liam's light and heads down stairs.

"So what is all this Helen? Some idea of a sick joke?" Carla was being paraded down the hall from the kitchen into Barry Connor's den. She now had an explanation as to why Tom hadn't been picking up her calls for a couple of days. He was tied up in something else literally.

"We've kept a seat warm for you miss," said the old man releasing his grip on Carla and throttling her into an empty chair.

"Whose we exactly?" Carla asked indignantly.

"Don't ask," said Barry Connor. He was sitting right next to her surprisingly in good condition. "We tried getting that information out of him earlier. All we know is that it is Tony Gordon or an enemy of Tony Gordon. Can't figure which is worse."

"Obviously Tony Gordon Barry!" Helen screeched. "You know what he did to our Liam!"

Barry sighed, "Yes Helen, you remind me everyday and now it seems you must remind everyone else."

"You got some tongue and cheek old man," said the old man.

If the situation weren't so distressing Carla would have laughed. Who was he calling old man, he looked practically decrypted from the ancient world or something.

"Well you must enjoy it, because you allowed me to read for the last little while."

"If you don't shut that hole in your face, you won't be reading anything but your own tombstone."

With that Barry shut up. Carla however wasn't going to let this old man with surprisingly excellent strength intimidate her.

"Well if were all hostages why isn't she tied up to?"

"Well I made a compromise with her, that she could interview you for a while and such. But now that she's had her fun, she'll be sitting back right down next to you." The old man tightened Carla's knots.

"No I will not sir. I still have something's I'd like to clear up with my ex daughter in law."

"And you can right there, in that lovely chair." The old man pointed at the chair on the other side of Carla.

Carla was ecstatic that someone was shoving it to Helen, finally because she shut up and planted herself next to Carla.

"But I wanted to make her read from the diary!"

The old man glared at Helen and said in a warning tone, "Now we've talked about this before Mrs. Connor but if you get on my nerves, I will shut you up."

"But sir!"

"Do you want me to get the scarf and tie your mouth again?"

"No, but…"

"OH BUT A CORK IN IT HELEN. Your family is being held at gunpoint and all you want to do is go on about a damn diary. Your nephew over here is suffering the most." Barry glared in his wife's direction, "Now are you going to just shut up or what? Frankly I have had enough of you to last me a lifetime. I had a piss poor time in Nice and for what to come home for more of a piss poor time."

"Maybe we can move her to another room", Tom chimed in. "Oh Auntie Helen don't look at me like that!" Helen was shooting daggers. "You make being held hostage a thousand more times stressful then it needs to be."

"All I'm saying is that I want the diary," said Helen quickly. She gave the old man her best mousy eyes and he relented.

"Fine you'll get your bloody diary if you want it. "

"Ugh," Tom sighed. "Please move them to another room. This is going to be another run around on Carla and Paul and Liam. I love you all, but it has been ages. If I wanted a soap opera, I would tune into days of our lives."

"God I have never had so many hostage victims with so many issues. The things you lot complain about, they are ridiculous." The old man returned with the diary and plopped it on Helen's lap. "Oh is that not enough for you? Now you want to be untied, fine both of you back to the kitchen."

"I'm not going anywhere with her," said Carla defiantly.

"Oh yes you are," said the old man holstering her up. "I've seen too many a times how unresolved issues can destroy a person. You both need to just get it out of your system; it will make my job easier. But don't try any funny business, if either one of you tries to escape I will kill you and not blink twice."

"Fine," said Carla. "But who are you and who do you work for?"

"Go and sit with your mother in-law and when you get back I may just tell you."

Carla followed Helen down the hall to the kitchen. Frankly she rather be tied up in the chair.


	22. Chapter 22

**Thanks again for the wonderful reviews. They are very much appreciated.**

"READ!" demanded Helen Connor. Carla was back in the kitchen with her once more and she had opened one in the stack of many of Paul's diaries and shoved it in Carla's face. Carla looked over at the old man, silently pleading for him to intervene, but he just nodded his head telling her to do as she was told.

"Helen I really don't see the point in all this what are you trying to accomplish?"

Helen sneered at Carla and then with great force grabbed Carla's hair and shoved it close to the diary.

"I am going to make you realize the truth. You want to play games and pretend you didn't know all the shit you did, then fine, I am going make you read what my son wrote. I am going to make you see all the pain you caused my Paul!"

Carla was in excruciating pain as Helen pulled on the roots of her hair and was practically sobbing as Helen pointed once more at the open page of Paul's diary.

"READ IT."

Carla began to read,

"Dear Diary, Carla has been acting strange these days…

…_And I don't know how much longer she can blame it on the heat. But it's summer and I guess the summers in Dublin are too much for her to handle. The good news is she finally agreed to try for a baby. I told her she would be an amazing mother, I just think she needs to believe it._

_I drove up to mums house today. It was more the same and usual stuff. Dad is teaching Ryan how to fish out back, but Ryan keeps on running away like he's afraid of the water. Needless to say it is a good laugh, dad trying to keep up with the little one. The two Toms and Andrew are as childish as ever, they decided to paint ball me as I was walking up to the house today. Hid behind their cars like little wimps and everything. I don't know how Michelle and Kara put up with them honestly. And then of course mum fussed at the sight of me, telling me I needed to take proper care of myself and that Carla shouldn't have me leaving the house like that._

_I want to tell her that Carla has been acting strange, cooping herself up in bed all day. She never wants to go out, and the times that I do manage to convince her to get up and have a night out, she retreats as soon as I mention Liam and Olivia are coming. I mean of course they are coming they always come. But besides all that I ended up going to mums house alone today and when I got there she said I had just missed Liam as well. Liam also seems to be acting strange around me and I don't know if I am being paranoid, but I wonder sometimes. Because it's the way he holds her name on the tip of his tongue like it's the most beautiful name he has ever spoken, and the way I catch him looking at her, when he thinks no one is watching…I wonder if anything ever happened between them. I am even curious about childhood again, they were awfully close back then._

_I voiced my concerns to Kara and Andrew; I thought my fellow married cousins could shed some light. Kara is insistent that my feelings are crazy, almost too insistent I think. And Andrew, he has never been one to take things seriously at all. So I shove the thoughts back into my mind, just hoping and praying my instincts are wrong. I mean Liam is my brother, he would never touch her…"_

_**Knock knock**_

_Paul shuts his diary almost immediately. He is startled as his mother stands in his door way._

"_Paul, I just put the paintball shirts in washer. You need to find something decent to wear, but it's going to be chilly."_

"_I think I have a sweater or something in here. I mean it is my old room mum, I must've left something wearable in here." Paul walks towards his closet._

"_Well change quickly, Aunt Serena made the reservations at 8. Also when is Carla getting here?"_

"_I don't know mum, but she promised she would make it she's just ill."_

"_She's always ill Paul," sighed Helen. "Your brother should be back soon. Just come down stairs soon, I made your favorite some root soup."_

_Paul nodded his head and quickly grabbed a sweater out of the closet, his grey sweater the one with the heart pendant on the sleeve. Carla had sewn it there so that he would know she'd always have her heart on his sleeve. He lifts it to his nose hugging it, smelling the essence of his wife. Many be his doubts were just that doubts. Carla loved him and Liam did to, they would never betray him._

"…Liam is my brother, he would never touch her." Carla had finished the entry her tears smearing the pages; she looked up at Helen once more. "Why are you doing this? What is the point?"

Helen didn't release the grip hold she had on Carla's head.

"When he came down to the kitchen that day, I told him Carla. He was my son and I couldn't watch him throw his life away for a deceitful wench like you!"

"Why couldn't you just leave it alone? This was between Paul and I. It had nothing to do with you!" Carla let out another scream as Helen shoved her face into the diary. The droplets of her tears smeared the already fading scribbling's.

"It's like a broken record, you are. Over and over again always the same old refrain." Helen began to mimic Carla in a singsong voice, " I'm sorry I never meant to hurt anyone!" She gave out a harsh laugh.

"I just don't get why you're doing this Helen. Why make me read this, why let me know that Paul knew, why now after all these years? What good is any of this other then to hurt me? You can't repeat the past."

"You can't repeat the past? Why of course you can!"

Carla recognized the quote immediately from _The Great Gatsby_. It was Helen's way of further mocking her letting her know that her words were useless. She broke down into a set of tears once more. She felt hopeless, this was psychological torture and Helen seemed to be enjoying this, like she had waited for years to get her revenge.

"Oh stop being so pitiful Carla. The Carla I knew was all mouth and could handle a fight or two. What happened to her?"

"She isn't around anymore!"

"Aww," said Helen is deadly voice. "Well isn't that tragic. Can't say it's as tragic as what I lost, two beautiful young boys so vibrant and full of life. A brother for a brother they were." Helen now sat down across from Carla staring at her with penetrating ice-cold eyes.

"And you blame me for why they aren't here? Helen listen to yourself, you are being illogical."

"Explain to me this then, why have you been wallowing in self pity for nearly eight years? You know I talk to Michelle and she tells me you feel a lot of guilt. But when you come in front of me, you can't even have the decency to show me this guilt. You think yourself something special, so proud and smug."

"Helen please…"

Helen ignored Carla; she was staring right past her into the doorway leading into the living room.

" You know a mother remembers each and everyone of her babies. The folds of their soft flesh, that unique smell for each child that is theirs alone. But with each baby there is a different kind of love. When you have your first baby, your scared and you treat them like they're an alabaster jar." Helen smiles to herself fondly before continuing, "With Paul, I was so afraid to drop him, I used to walk around the house all day with him tied to my chest. He was such a quite baby. And then with Liam, I got a little braver. I could let him out of my sight more, and I got used to the idea of being a mother then. I mean my poems during his pregnancy were a lot more cheerful a lot more optimistic. And with the last baby therein lies the one you actually have time for. I didn't have to work as much then. My poems were getting recognized. She's the one I could always take to the park, the one I let fall asleep at my side. I guess I felt guilty when they were older, I needed to prove to Liam and Paul I loved them just the same. My little babies they were angels to me."

Carla didn't say anything, she understood that Helen loved her children, each one in there own individual way and she never blamed her for it. There were many different ways to love a person, there had to be otherwise how could we love so many different people. She probably felt she had to make it up to Paul and Liam as children and adults, but then this made Michelle lose out. Carla understood the compromising position love could put a person in, that there was someone who would always be unhappy.

"He was standing in that doorway, wearing that gray sweater with the pendant heart on its sleeve, your heart. I couldn't bear to keep this secret because you see the whole thing looked like an utter sham. Your heart wasn't exposed to him at all, yours was a heart full of secrets."

Carla understood. But she wished that she could've have been the one to tell Paul. But she knew that if given the chance she probably wouldn't have had the courage. So she didn't speak, because she knew that Helen knew this as well.

"He was so radiant and he looked as handsome as ever when he told me you and him were going to try for a baby. Immediately I felt sorrow, I thought how could I explain to him, make him understand what it is to have a child. Especially since I was certain his wife would never fully love that child."

"You didn't know that Helen. You didn't know how I loved Paul."

"But you loved Liam more," Helen's eyes were red and had full on bags. She looked exhausted like all the hatred she felt had eaten her alive. It had, Carla noticed in the light of the kitchen that she had aged terribly. "Can you honestly sit here and tell me that you could have carry Paul's baby to full term? That if it was growing inside you, that voice inside your head wouldn't be longing for it to have been Liam's child?"

Immediately Carla thought of little Liam. How she adored the child so much and often found herself to be jealous of the way he adored his mother. Carla often wished sometimes that she could have been his mother. The night that Maria told her she was pregnant and the night that Liam died Carla felt sorrow. She felt pain in knowing that Liam and Carla would raise a child together.

"A baby would have complicated things. I couldn't stand by and let my son make such a horrible choice. Imagine what it would do to Liam? I thought about my precious Liam and how he would've handled it; he wouldn't have been able to stand it Carla. It would have destroyed him."

"So what," whispered Carla. "Better to destroy one son for the sake of the other. "

Carla saw it clearly now. Helen wanted to save Liam the heartbreak of having to endure Paul and her having a child, but she did so at the expense of Paul.

Helen had now started crying, this women who had been so defiant and angry had broken down into tears.

"It's like Sophie's choice. It's like the fact that a mother will always take her youngest in harms way out of the desert. It is the principle of things. My Paul was the oldest, he could fend for himself."

Carla looked at Helen with disgust. "If you hadn't said anything he wouldn't have drank that night, and if he hadn't drank he wouldn't have died!"

"No Carla, he drank because he was in denial. He didn't believe me at first. Remember you came over and into the kitchen he greeted you warmly. He told me I was telling lies about you! That I never liked you, that I always called you a serpent."

"Then why did he drink?"

"Because you didn't come with him to the restaurant! He wanted to be left alone." Helen was sobbing and convulsing gripping the table to steady her voice. "He kept saying he wanted to go back to the house, I told Andrew and Tom to take him, but he broke free and got in his car."

Carla's face sank; she knew how the story ends. "He died on his why there, didn't he?"

"NOOO!" screamed Helen. "He called me and he was in tears, he said mum I saw them together. And I asked him, Paulie who, who did you see together? And he says to me Liam and Carla, I saw them."

Carla felt like crap, she felt sick inside. She remembered everything about that night what had done again and how she was finally punished for it. She looked at Helen, her lips quivering she wanted to disappear.

"I said to him, stay on the phone with me. What did you see exactly? I asked him if he was driving, and then all he said was I saw them my own brother, my own wife… and then that was it Carla. He cut off. "


	23. Chapter 23

_Carla told him she didn't want to go for dinner that she didn't feel up to it. What she usually welcomed with opened arms in the form of Michelle and Kara's mindless chatter she could do without tonight. More so, she didn't think she could handle Helen Connor's judgmental stare. She looked like a priest, telling Carla she was an evil sinner a sinner to be burnt in the pits of hell. And then there was Paul, there was something about the way he hugged her in the kitchen. She could see he was wearing her famous sweater and she beamed at him, he did not return her smile. He kissed her head gently and left her alone. Carla then spent the remainder of the afternoon sleeping and when Paul woke her for dinner with Aunt Serena for 8 she told him she was exhausted. He stared at her for a time; he looked visibly hurt, like a wounded puppy. Carla was annoyed._

"_What?" Carla said. Paul had made an attempt at offhanded laughing._

"_What would you know, Liam says he's not going either."_

_Carla didn't know why he was saying that; she just turned around and went back to bed. Those were the last words he had ever said to her._

Frank stood in the den of his country home. He spins his globe getting ready to pick a country. His assistant Mary came walking in.

"Everything is in order sir, your car is waiting."

"Thank you Mary."

Suddenly the assistant broke out into tears crying. Frank was surprised; he had never really been all that nice to Mary. He liked to snap at her, for always allowing Sally Webster to pester him and not dropping her calls like he asked her to. But he did appreciate all the good things she had done for him. He goes over to her immediately to give her some comfort. He is surprised at the tenderness of which he delicately strokes her hair. She reminds him of is sister Louise.

"Shhh hush now, it's goodbye for a little while only."

"I-I'm just going to miss you is all. You've always given me a steady job and I know everyone always says g-g-goodbye isn't forever, but they usually lie."

"Well then I'll make you a promise aye. If it's work your worried about, I will put in a good world for you at Lawson and Cabot law firms. Ross Lawson is a dear friend of mine and she would be happy to give you some work. How's that sound?"

The young assistant looked up at Frank in awe, "That sounds wonderful sir."

"Good. Now you take care of yourself okay?"

"Thank you sir. I will, I will never forget the generosity."

Frank walks out to his waiting town car. He makes sure everything is in order that he has the tapes and everything.

"Robert," he says addressing his driver. "We've got evidence to destroy."

"What's the time?" Maria said as she buckles her seat belt in. They are taking Michelle's car to the airport.

Michelle is checking her hair in the rearview mirror.

"Five past ten."

"Are you sure we are going to make the midnight flight? We have to get through security as well."

"We would have left earlier if you hadn't been dragging your feet Maria! So don't blame me now that we are gonna have to speed to make it on time."

"Michelle!" Maria was frustrated and in no mood for bickering. "We are not speeding! Liam is in the back seat."

"I used to speed all the time when Ryan was a baby and so did Tom, you are being dramatic."

"Ahh," Maria scoffed. "Are you serious? This is coming from a women that has lost virtually all her family members to traffic related accidents."

Michelle jammed her key into the ignition and stared at Maria with annoyance. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

_Carla slips into the shower quickly. The house is quite at last. She takes her time letting the water engulf her. She is touching her stomach and abdomen area thinking about the talk she had with Paul. He said he was ready to have a baby, but Carla didn't have the heart to tell him she did not want the same things. Not at the moment anyways. She didn't know how she could make him understand, that the thought of bringing a child into the world where people do such horrible things made her sick. She thought of how her mother hated her brother, because everyone said he was the product of a rape by her stepfather. Carla thought about her own rape, she had never told Paul about it she had never told anyone at all. How one minute she had been at a pub and the next minute she was in a secluded field, how one guy raped her as the other one egged him on. She shivers remembering the cold draft of the field as it translates through the shower curtain. _

_Quickly she turns off the shower and wraps herself in a towel. She is so damaged on the inside, but so perfect on the outside. If Paul knew all the things she thought, all the things she hid from him, he wouldn't love much less want to have a child with her. And the child she thought, what a poor soul it would be. What if she didn't love it the way she was supposed to, what if she looked at it and wished it were Liam's…._

_She hears a noise down stairs so she quickly dries her hair and slips on an old University of Edinburgh sweater. She wants to take her mind off of things. She finds Liam sitting in the kitchen, he looks distressed and she wishes she could disappear but he has already seen her._

"_Don't let me bother you, " Liam says._

_Carla tries not to look at him she keeps her eyes glued to the floor._

"_I heard a sound, thought I'd have a look."_

_Liam continues to stare at her, and she can feel herself getting hot and sweaty._

"_So, this is what we are now?" Liam asks. "Just a few spoken words, I hi there and a bye there."_

" _I've got nothing more to say to you Liam," Carla whispers. She finally looks up his eyes have not left her and they are full of emotion._

_Liam gives out a laugh, "Oh really? And that letter then…?"_

"_Liam please…"_

"_No let me finish. You had quite a lot to say in that letter. But now you got nothing to say to me at all. I mean it's surprising how long you've managed to ignore me since that night, wont even look at me, it's like I don't exist."_

"_It pains me Liam," Carla can feel her heart breaking. He said he didn't hate her, but Carla knew that he must._

"_Oh it pains you? Well you didn't think twice about how'd it pain me to read that letter. Just shoved it under my flat door and ran away like a little girl."_

_Carla wants to cry, "Liam please try and understand."_

_But Liam ignores her. He gets up from the table and slowly walks toward her._

"_How did it go again? Oh yes… Dear Liam, There is nothing more painful then writing this letter to you. Do you remember when we were kids? And we used to slip along the rocks together? You asked me what I thought love was. I told you that I didn't know but I knew it had something to do with you."_

"_Liam please stop!"_

_But Liam ignored her and kept on reciting, "I thought about it later and I realized it couldn't remember the exact moment I began to love you. So I figures that love must then be something that had no beginning…and because couldn't think of any reason for it ever ending, then that was love to."_

_He was inches from her now, and Carla tried to back away to create distance between them._

"_But Liam," he continued. "When we were together as children I knew that something was wrong, that I loved you, but that it wasn't right and that the time would come when I would have to tell you so. I am sorry I ever let it get to the point it did. I know you blame yourself, you said you put the ideas in my head. But it was me Liam I put those ideas in your head, it was just a game. I couldn't stand to lose you, and I didn't want anyone else to have you either. But it's all pretend, a game for kids slipping on the rocks. I have to let you go…" _

_He stopped and Carla was now pinned to the kitchen counter up against his weight. His breath was hot and he cupped her face in his hand. His eyes scanned her body taking her all in end._

"_Please Liam, I'm married. We can't keep doing this."_

"_Tell it to my face," he whispers. "Tell me every single word of that letter to my face and maybe I'll believe you."_

"_I don't love you! Accept my decision, I chose Paul!"_

"_Then why are you crying? If I mean nothing, why does it pain you so much?"_

_Carla tries to throw him off, but he is much stronger and he lefts her up onto the counter._

"_I don't love you so believe it!"_

"_I don't have to believe blatant lies."_

_He begins to kiss her and she can't resist him anymore._

"_You never loved him, you only ever wanted me." Liam whispers in Carla's ear._

"_I love you," Carla agrees. She is caught up in the moment overcome with passion. She is lost in him, she can feel him inside of her and she knows that all she wrote in the letter was a lie. She only wrote it because she wanted to do right by Paul, because she cared not to hurt him._

"_Do you hear that?" Liam stops kissing her._

"_What?" Carla says breathlessly._

_Liam looks out the kitchen window above the sink. He doesn't see anything because it's dark._

"_Must have been imagining things, it's probably nothing." Liam lends into the kiss Carla._

_She remembers faintly the sound of a car engine as a car is speeding away. At the time she thought to herself it must be the next-door neighbor._


	24. Chapter 24

**Ahead is the conclusion to Recovery. I hope to write a part two soon. I hope you all liked this story as much has I liked writing it. Enjoy the last chapter and feel free to comment and review. Be warned there is some sensitive material ahead.**

It is a cold night, as Frank and Robert build a fire pit near the old barn. He throws document after document into the fire watching it burn; his own little book burning his father would be proud Frank thinks.

"Do you think we can destroy all the evidence sir?" says Robert Frank's driver.

Frank rubs his hands together to make them warm.

"We have to, I have to disappear. Cease to exist after tonight. All my activities will be traced back to Tony and he will be going back right where he came from. I won't stop until he stays there."

Robert says nothing more and grabs another pile of documents and throws them into the pit. He then reaches hesitantly for the bag containing the cassette tapes.

"These to sir?" Robert says hesitantly.

"Yes those as well Robert."

"Are you sure you want to be getting rid of these?"

"Yes," Said Frank pointedly for he was now getting suspicious. "Now throw them in."

Robert made the motion to throw them in when Frank told him to hold on.

"Wait a minute, give me the bag. Just want to make sure they are all in there. Well expect the ones the Doctor has, but don't worry I'll get those soon enough."

"I just don't understand sir? Why get rid of these, aren't they an important weapon against Gordon?"

"It's a like the scorched earth policy. It may be important to me, but it is just as important to the enemy. Therefore they need to go. Burn them."

Robert threw the cassettes into the fire and Frank watched them burn. He watched his driver closely as he walked away from the pit back to the car. He decided he no longer trusted him; he cared too much about Tony Gordon. Perhaps this was Dr. Harrington's lame attempt at espionage. Silently Frank crouches down and crawls back to the town car. He spies on his driver as he texts away furiously on his mobile.

"And just who are you contacting so urgently at this hour?"

"Sir!" Robert said he turned around to see the Barrel of Frank's gun pointed at him.

"Who the fuck are you texting so late at this hour?"

"M-my wife, my wife sir!"

"You're a fucking liar," Frank felt a sudden rage as he pried open the door and pulled his driver out and threw him to the ground.

"I'm going to give you one more chance. Who were you just texting?" Frank heeled a blow into his driver's stomach and the man squealed out in agony.

"Katherine-Katherine Harrington."

"How the fuck did she get access to you?"

"I-I don't know", the man squealed. "I was out with the wife and kids, this women just came up to us. She was all lovely said she was having trouble finding her way around. We helped her out, she gave me her card…"

"How long have you been spying for her?"

"She introduced herself as Olivia James, I swear I didn't know at first."

"How long?" Frank threw in another blow and his driver keeled over.

"Before you met her. Before she ever came to the house. Tony must of put her up to it. She probably didn't know what he was up to."

"Did you send her the text?"

"No, not yet you came to quickly." Robert tried to reach for his phone but Frank kicked it away. He was so furious.

"Yet when you found out who she was and who she worked for, you still spied for her like a little snitch."

"Sir, she threatened my wife and kids!"

Frank picked up the phone and began to read the text.

URGENT! FRANK IS BURNING THE CASSETTE TAPES AS WE SPEAK AND A WHOLE BUNCH OF DOCUMENTS ON THE OFF SHORE ACCOUNTS. HE HAS REINSTATED TONY ON ALL ACCOUNTS ONCE MORE AND PLANS TO FLEE TOWN.

Frank couldn't help but laugh, "You know Robert I always took you for a piss poor driver, never thought you'd be a piss poor spy as well. Shame really." Frank considers deleting the text but thinks better of it. He only erases a part of it so that it now reads:

URGENT! FRANK IS BURNING THE CASSETTE TAPES AS WE SPEAK.

"There, a little goodbye gift for your friends. You were of good service, but unfortunately for Tony I don't like to share my things." Frank kneels down next to his driver and pushes the gun to his temple. "Any last words?"

"Sir please, I've got a son and a daughter. I got my wife."

"Should thought of that before."

"Where is your humanity? Have you no God?"

" Don't bring God into this. I don't live my life for him I am nothing to him. Nothing that is good or bad. Everything I am I am in my own right. I don't seek any divine inspiration; I am a mind all on my own. And that's what makes it easier. I can kill you; in fact I will kill you. And I can walk away, because I don't owe any gods a single thing. Especially not the life of a treacherous scum like you."

**BANG**

The gun went off and there was blood all over the grass. The fire still burned and Frank thought to himself, what a stupid man. He just died for nothing. Frank was considering burning him in the fire pit, but he thought better of it. He would just pin this murder on Tony as well.

MEET ME AT THE OLD BARN DR. HARRINGTON; FRANK IS LEAVING AS WE SPEAK.

He pressed send and was now out of breath. It had been a crazy night and to think Robert had died for nothing. Frank only burned the copies he still had the originals all of them. But it was a test of loyalty and Robert had failed miserably. Tony Gordon was fast becoming the weaker villain.

"I don't really want to listen to Adele," whined Maria. They had only just reached the outside of the city and were driving along the country roads. The clock read 10:55. "I mean she is a great singer, but I want something else."

"GAHH," said Michelle throwing her hands up into the air momentarily. "I swear Maria I am going to hit you! You freaking need to shut up already. I like Adele we are listening to Adele. I said we could listen to Whitney Houston, Celine Dion, or Adele and you chose Adele. DEAL WITH IT."

"Oh keep it down, Liam is sleeping! How many times must I tell you this, but nope you have to be a drama queen."

"Me the drama queen Maria, ME? You are drama rama 24/7 and quite frankly I am tired of it, so shut that hole in your face or you will be walking to the airport."

"Keep using that threat, we aren't going to make it anyways. You just had to stop for gas and to use the rest room and then you got snacks. Remember how you yelled at me today about the cheese and crackers? And to top it off you drive like a turtle."

"You told me not to speed Maria!"

"Well yeah, but that doesn't mean you have to drive like a turtle."

"GAWD bugger off will ya! You want faster, I'll give you faster."

Michelle hits on the gas and her car accelerates down the country road.

Carla had run out of the kitchen and up the stairs barricading her self inside Paul's old bedroom. Helen let her leave; she was too upset to stop her. She collapsed in tears, Paul knew. He was the sound they had heard that night in the kitchen and that car she thought was a rowdy neighbors it was his own.

And then she thinks about the poem, the one written for Paul when he was born and how she told the old man it was beautiful poem, her favorite so open ended about a journey on a road.

"Miss Connor, this wasn't the deal. Come out of there." The old man is banging on the door from outside.

"GOD! Just leave me alone. I just want to be left alone…"

_Alone, alone on the winding road_

_The road of which no man dares go_

_It is a road to which men in trust_

_All fears and deepest hopes_

_A road to greed or that of sin_

_By way of nature or by way of grace_

_A man shall fight_

_But he shall see_

_That winding road left to past_

_Its end reveals all truth_

It was like Helen knew; she always knew this was the path her oldest son would take. Is that why she clung to him when he was a baby? Because she knew when she wrote that poem, felt him move inside her womb that this would be his script his play of which to live out. Is this why she couldn't stop being angry now? Did her words become the prophecy she never would have dreamed of happening? But then Carla thought, she first printed the poem in her _Anthology of Dreams_, so maybe she knew it was going to come true eventually.

She thought of a toddler Paul Conner sat up on a stool as his mother told him every morning,

_"There are two ways through life: The way of nature and the way of grace. Nature only wants to please itself. Get others to please it too. Likes to lord it over them. To have its own way. It finds reasons to be unhappy when all the world is shining around it. And love is smiling through all things. Grace doesn't try to please itself. It accepts being slighted, forgotten, and disliked. Accepts insults and injuries."_

Did he think about those words when he died? She imagines him pressing down on his gas pedal going down that road, his own little road past all the things he lived, all the things he knew. He knew it in the end, what mother had said was true, he knew the truth and that was his end.

_He can't think and he can't feel a thing. The tears are streaming down his face and his whole world is ending around him as he speaks._

"_I saw them mum, I saw Liam and Carla. I saw them…" Paul's phone is on the passengers seat as he drives away from the house in the opposite direction of the downtown center._

"_Paulie tell me! Speak to me baby…" His mother Helen pleads with him through speaker phone. And Paul can't help but feel furious like she had wanted this all along. _

"_My own brother, my own wife and YOU knew. Couldn't you care?"_

"_Baby please…"_

_Put Paul doesn't want to hear it anymore. He has an uncontrollable need to drive and just keep driving until he can't anymore. He knew the truth, he knew this road his fate and in one last act of defiance against the mother who shaped him and his life like he was some prophecy, in defiance against that ingrained grace she so diligently tried to instill in him every morning he swerves his car off of the road. He wasn't giving anyone the satisfaction, not Carla, Liam, or his mother. He would reach that end, and it wouldn't be the one his mother chose for him. It would be on his own terms. It was an oak a big white oak, instinctively he rears the car in that direction. He accelerates his gas and then everything is black._

"Michelle slow down!" Maria hollered. "If you are trying to prove a point it's getting old. It's not funny anymore."

Michelle was panicking. She was trying to step on the brakes but they seemed to be failing her.

"Maria I'm trying but the brakes aren't working!" Michelle cried. " Maria it won't slow down."

"Are you sure?" Maria was on the verge of tears and there shouting had alerted little Liam. His blue eyes roamed between his mother and his auntie. He knew something was wrong. " Well maybe try getting off the main road."

"This car is uncontrollable," Michelle was trying to swerve it but it had a life of its own.

Maria didn't remember much after that there was some more hysterical screaming, more crying and then she remembers panicking seeing the white oak tree, and trying to grab at Liam and shield him but she didn't move quick enough, the car slammed before she even had time to move her hands and then everything was silent. Everything was black.

When Carla came out of Paul's room finally she saw that the old man had left. But she still went back down the stairs into the living room, through the kitchen and through the hall into the den. She say a word, she just sat down in her designated chair. Helen was already tied right back up again, and she seemed lost in another world. Lost in the past, a past she could never repeat.

Carla held out her hands for the old man to tie them, and he did. It was late now probably almost midnight. This day had drained her emotionally, it had drained everyone, changed their world and how they thought things had been.

"You can't repeat the past you know," says the old man. Carla notices that his grey eyes normally so expressionless and cold have some depth to them. He looks like he is decent, like he could be a man who wasn't what his work was.

"And how do you know this?" Carla whispers.

"You think you've lost them, all those people that died on you. I am no expert on your situation, but I've lost a lot of people near and dear to me in my long time on this earth. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it doesn't have to leave them open either."

Carla tried to take in his words of encouragement, but she felt her eyes welling up again.

The old man reaches into his pockets and retrieves fresh Kleenex. He gently dabs the tears away and Carla thinks that he must have been a great father, if he ever had the opportunity to have children. He sighed.

"You don't believe me, but when I was a boy I lost my father. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time as these things often go. But he was a great man, he taught me a lot of great things better than what I am now. But that's another story for another time. We didn't have much, but my father still knew the importance of a good education. He used to read to me from set poems written by the Roman philosopher Ovid, _Metamorphoses_."

Carla was familiar with the work; she had seen a quote from it in Paul's room. It was on the picture, a message inscribed from Barry.

"Well there is a part where Ovid says, Nothing in the universe is ever perishes forever. They only ever vary and adopt new forms. When one says they are born they only ever mean it as phase. That it is something different from what one was before. You die and you cease to be in the form which you were and so on and so forth. But each time you move onward you, let put sum it up like this…though this thing may past into that, and that into this, yet the sums of things remain unchanged."

"You really believe that? That everyone we lose isn't really gone. That God doesn't take them away from us?"

"You don't need God to tell you anything, you know what's in there." He points at Carla's heart. "You don't need any proof beyond the proof you give yourself. Are you not a child nature?"

"I don't want to be that."

"But you are, and whose says that's a bad thing. Whose to say it is wrong to want to be happy, to give yourself to sadness if it suits you from time to time. Nature finds it way to, just because it isn't the path of grace it doesn't make it any less important. If it pleases you to think the ones you've lost are with you, then they will be just that. Who cares what any one, whether it be God or human has to say about it."

Carla sat staring at the profoundness of this man. The irony that he was both her capture and her saving grace. She thought of how Dr. Harrington or maybe it was Helen she could remember told her that she was asking all the wrong questions. But she didn't think they had right, not at all. Carla had set out on her path to recovery, not asking the wrong questions, but instead seeking out the wrong answers.

"Thank you," Carla whispers and she means it. "Thank you from the bottom of my heart."

Maria opens her eyes she can smell the aroma of gasoline and fire flowing through her nostrils and she is disoriented for a while until she realizes what has just happened. She pulls her head sideways and she can see Michelle, but where is Liam?

"Liam!" she cries out at first in barely a whisper. She is so weak and she can barely bring herself to move but then an amazing strength comes over her, she has a need to find her child and protect him. "Liam," she cries out again as she drags her bloody legs through the dirt.

Her vision has been impaired by the accident and there is a smoggy feel to the airs that is making it difficult for her to breath as well as navigate. But then she sees her baby he is stuck under a dismantled door, near Michelle. She pulls at it tugging helplessly and crying.

"God please!" and with surprising strength she moves it off of her son like an adrenaline rush. She props her little boy up onto her lap. His head has a big gash and he is bleeding profusely. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and Maria panicking tries to recall her first aid training from her days as a candy striper. She breaths into his mouth and does the motions "Come on Liam, breath please breath baby." But he is not responding, not at all.

No Maria thinks to herself. He is too young! He is much to young. Liam, Paul, Tom, somebody do something. He is your son, your nephew don't let him die. Little Liam is starting to turn blue, no, no, NO! And then she feels a weight around her shoulders around her waist. An ambulance working is pulling her off. How could she have not notice they got here? When did they arrive?

Maria looks around to see them assisting to Michelle. They are putting her on a stretcher she seems to be alive. The EMS worker is looking at her with sorrow in his eyes; he has blue eyes just like her little Liam.

"Oh thank God you're here! My baby is hurt my little Liam somebody do something!"

"Ma'am I am so sorry," the EMS working is not moving towards her son like the two others on the scene are. One of them a girl with long blonde hair and grey eyes looks up at Maria with sympathy and compassion. Maria is confused and annoyed. She doesn't need compassion she needs help her son needed help. Why was everyone staring at her with sympathetic eyes?

"I am so sorry miss, your son he's dead. He was dead upon our arrival."

Maria couldn't believe her ears and she shook the one EMS workers hands off of her and rushed to her son in the dirt. She wouldn't let him go, she wouldn't let them tell her any such lies.

"YOU'RE LYING. Why are you telling such terrible lies? All he needs is to get to the hospital and then everything will be fine."

"No Miss, I am so very very sorry for your loss." The blonde EMT was crying now.

"Stop crying, I don't know why you're crying." Maria only noticed now how much she was crying to. That what they were telling her was true. She was now holding onto her baby boy. But then they pulled her off again, and Maria didn't know why she did it, but she dug her nails into the earth praying as she clasped the dirt in her hands. She held it up, and in her mind she asked if there was God any God out there at all that could here her…

"_I grabbed a pile of dust and holding it up foolishly, asked for as many birthdays as the grains of dust, I forgot that they be years of youth."_

But didn't want youth, she just wanted life not for herself but for her son. But God doesn't bring the dead back. And because Maria could not stop for death, he stopped for her instead. He let her take it in, she saw her sons eyes open as a baby, and she held him in her arms. The first silence before the scream, and now here he was silent once more. His eyes shut tightly and his lips and nose scrunched up. Gone the same way he had come. Where would he be? Only time would tell.

Piles of dust mean nothing.


End file.
